


What belongs together

by bettyH20



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 64,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23998849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettyH20/pseuds/bettyH20
Summary: Sidney concludes that he cannot keep his promise to Eliza Campion. He's doing everything to help his family, but will he manage to find his way back to Charlotte, despite his feelings of guilt and self-hate?Maybe he needs a little push...
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood & Sidney Parker, Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 383
Kudos: 545





	1. How to move on

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago, but I never dared to publish it ...  
> I translated it from German, so please excuse any incorrect translation

"Tom, last time, I'm not going to release the plans."

Sidney Parker's voice sounded more than annoyed, he had slowly but surely reached the end of his patience and could hardly bear the company of his brother, to whom he had always looked up as a younger man.

The last few months had been agonizing and painful, the ubiquitous lack of sleep did nothing to contribute to his mood, and his brother's recurring demands tugging at him.

"Sidney, you have to see that the Pogoda that Mr. Stringer designed would be an absolute eye-catcher for the promenade."Tom's enthusiastic voice made Sidney wince, his fist locked so tightly around the glass of whisky in his hand that he heard the glass crack, and he slowly turned away from the fireplace to look at Tom.

"That may be, but I just can't pay for it, Tom."

"Yes, because you made a completely nonsensical, selfish and incomprehensible decision without even talking to me about it," Tom burst out not for the first time, and he nervously stepped up and down in front of his Sanditon model.Suddenly he stopped and approached Sidney, who was still standing by the fireplace, trying to keep his temper."Really brother, what you did I can't understand."

With barely suppressed anger, Sidney turned off his glass and stared at Tom."Believe me, I feel the same way with you."

His voice was just a rough growl, and he saw in his brother's face that he did not understand the meaning of the words.But he had to leave before he did something he would surely regret later, so he sighed, turned around and left without another word.

In the background, he had heard the door, but in his anger had not paid attention to who Mary was talking to.He just had to get out of here, longing to swim in the freezing sea to calm his body and, with a little luck, his thoughts.

With his head lowered, he walked down the hallway until a voice solidified in the middle of the movement, a voice that haunted him in his dreams and which he had not believed he would ever hear again.

" .... to come back here, although I realize how horrible I miss you ...," Charlotte Heywood broke off and stopped as frozen as the man standing right in front of her.She had just arrived, long hesitated to accept Mary's invitation, and only a small addition in her friend's letter had finally let her make a positive decision.

“ _The house is so empty, only with Tom and the children, because everyone else is busy somewhere else, which is why I am very keen for your company_ ,” Mary wrote what made Charlotte think that all Tom's siblings were in London.

So what was he doing here? Why was he in Sanditon and where was his wife?

Sidney's eyes were as dark as she remembered, they burned into her, held her gaze, and she was unable to look away from him. The tension between them was almost unbearable, and even though she had said that she would be well with the dull pain in her chest, she suddenly felt just like she was on the cliff so long ago.

For over a year now, she left Sanditon last year at the beginning of September, and now it was at the end of October, but it seemed like nothing had changed.

"Sidney, were you leaving?" Mary's voice sounded a little ashamed, but she ripped them out of their rigid and Charlotte took a deep breath. She forced herself to say something, but could not prevent her voice shaking.

‘Mr. Parker ...’.

She saw his lips shape her name, her first name, but he didn't bring out a word. He swallowed, tightened his obviously tense shoulders and tried again.

"Miss Heywood ...".

Charlotte winced at his dark, rough voice, she had forgot how her body reacted to him and her heart beat so loud that she thought everyone would hear it.

Sidney didn't even know if she was called Miss Heywood anymore, maybe she had forgotten him and given her heart to someone else, someone who was worthy of her and would not treat her innocent heart as disgraceful as he did.

He had to leave before his inside would be visible to everyone.

"Excuse me," he said almost hoarse, bowing quickly and turning around, toward the kitchen to leave the house over the back. It would be impossible to pass her, so her scent had hit him, dust, and lavender, and her own smell.

If anyone had seen him, they would have declared him crazy for good, but it was later afternoon, it was dawn and it was unusually cold and windy.

So Sidney Parker could run over the cliffs without a coat and hat until he reached his cove, undressed himself and dived his tortured body into the ice-cold water of the sea.

At Trafalgar House, Charlotte stared at his back until he disappeared and she was greeted by a profusely Tom. He asked in a blatant tone whether she had seen the innovations in the city and offered her immediately to lead her around. But Mary intervened, she had enough decency to feel guilty and brought Charlotte to her room so she could rest.

It was the same room she had inhabited during her last visit and countless memories came on her.

"Come down as soon as you feel comfortable, dear," Mary said and smiled warm. Charlotte nodded, but didn't say anything. She regretted coming here, but she didn't want to show it to Mary.

When the door closed, her quiet facade collapsed, she sat down on the bed and cried.

Sidney had looked terrible, thinner than last year, although his arms seemed as muscular under his shirt, if not more. His beautiful facial features seemed tough, his jaw bit so hard, his muscles twitched, his whole being seemed exhausted, but most terrifying his eyes were.

When they first met, the expression was distant in his eyes, cold and always a bit bitter, but never had she seen such sadness and hopelessness in them. Even with her last painful goodbye, he looked at her with affection in his eyes, but now he seemed to be a broken man.

The thought hurt, she really hoped that he would have been happy with his wife, so that, at least, life went on for him if she had fallen apart.

Now she wondered what had been so completely out of his hand, she wasn't oath enough to assume that it could have to do with her, even though the way he looked at her had said something else in her heart.

She shouldn't have come, she knew with certainty now, because her feelings for this man, who was still beautiful in spite of everything, had not changed.

—~—

_One year earlier_

Sidney rolled on the side and had no slightest idea where he was at the first moment.

He didn't know why every bone seemed to hurt in his body, why his head was hammering, and the sounds around him didn't make the shaking pain behind his eyes any better.

„Mr. Parker, you're awake,” a man's voice came through the haze in his head and he opened his eyes.

He was ashamed to find that he was still in the Denham arms. He slowly remembered that he had been in one of the illegal boxing match last night, held in a basement of a warehouse on the edge of Sanditon and fought until he couldn't stand up. Later, he had dragged himself here, sitting in the rear corner alone and getting drunk senselessly until he obviously fell asleep.

“Do you want to eat something? Or something to drink?’ The host looked at him compassionate, he knew him as a young man before he had gone to London and later to Antigua, and actually stretched him a hand so Sidney could sit.

“No, thank you,” he still was slightly drunk, got up swaying to hopefully drag himself unseen into his room in the hotel.

Almost two months ago, she's been gone, two months in which he had learned painfully that he had made the greatest mistake of his life.

When he agreed to marry Eliza in return for her investment in Sanditon, he had argued that he could simply rebuild the walls with which he had lived fairly pleasant over the last few years. It was the only way to save his brother, his family and her name, but now he knew the price was too high.

She had torn down the walls around his heart, one after another, and he was unable to hide again. The worst was her tears, which had shown him clearly what he had done to her by his decision. He hurt her, crushed her innocent heart in his hands, and it killed him every minute of his life.

What had he done?This wasn't the first time he's thrown himself on his bed in his room and closed his aching eyes again.

Moaning, he fell again into the longed-for darkness, but was tormented by images of black carriage driving away and a church with terribly cheesy flowers.

In the afternoon, when he was finally able to get up to wash and dress properly, his gaze fell on the stack of letters on the desk in the room.

Eliza had already written to him three times and asked him to come to London, the Christmas season would start soon and the first ball of the winter would be in a week.She expected his presence, wrote that they had important things to discuss because of the wedding, which was to take place in the spring, and already rebuked him for not treating her with the appropriate attention.

Until now, he hadn't been able to answer her, but he knew he couldn't put it off any longer.So he sat down sighing and with still aching limbs, took the pen in his hand and wrote to her that he would come to London in 4 days.

At least he would have been liberated there from his enthusiastic brother, who did not once fail to praise all their happiness, to congratulate him again and again, that he was finally reunited with the love of his life and wanted to discuss ever new and more absurd plans with him, now that he was within reach a lot of money.

On the way from the Hotel to Trafalger House, he met Mr. Stringer, who looked at him with barely hidden dislike.

"Mr.Parker," he saluted barely, visibly unwillingly.

"Mr.Stringer," Sidney replied, nodding his head and trying to walk past him, but then stopped.

"Ahm..., Mr.Stringer, I'm going to leave Sanditon in a few days, but I see the renovations are progressing well.I would ask you to write to me if you need anything."

Sidney had always cherished James Stringer, he was a good foreman and would certainly be a good architect.Since the fire on the Terrace, Sidney had been more involved in the building work than he wanted, but he couldn't let Tom do it easily.The result would be horrendous costs, and that's what Sidney wanted to avoid.

Working with Tom and Mr.Stringer, however, proved difficult, as the former had utopian ideas and the latter apparently had a personal problem with him.

"As you wish, sir," James replied.'I've just brought your brother a few suggestions for the rest of the work, maybe you can look at them before you go back to your fiancée.'

James emphasized the word fiancée and saw Sidney's jaw clench. He simply didn't like the man, even though he had to admit that the building site was going much better now.James Stringer liked Miss Heywood very much, he was annoyed that she turned her affection towards Sidney Parker rather than him, and it was incomprehensible to him how he could then get engaged to another woman.

'I sent Miss Heywood these plans in one of my last letters and she wrote to me just yesterday how excited she was about them.'

Sidney couldn't hide from flinching.The mention of Charlotte was bad enough, but to hear that she and Mr.Stringer where in contact, letting a wave of jealousy shoot through him.

The man's satisfied facial expression towards him showed that it had been exactly what Mr. Stringer wanted to reach and Sidney tried to control himself.

He nodded narrowly and said goodbye.

Suddenly he could hardly wait to get on his horse and leave Sanditon behind.


	2. A painful Night in London

"Please, Sidney, that's the third glass since we arrived, it would be nice if you were to rule yourself." Eliza's cold voice ripped Sidney out of his thoughts while he still tasted the brandy on his tongue.

He slowly turned to her, looked at her with narrowed eyes and a forced smile and demonstratively emptied his glass.

"How nice to see you count. But you insisted that I should come with you here, contrary to my explicit wish, so you’ll have to endure my lack of mastery, forgive me.”

Eliza is pressing her lips, which made her face look easily stuck. Sidney was always polite, never raised his voice, but she could still feel how it was cooked under his skin.

It wasn't the way she hoped it was.

She's been engaged for almost four months, of course, she knew that she had forced him into marriage, that there was no proposal out of love, but she had assumed that he had already fallen for her again.

After all, he had waited 10 years for you, he had been grieving for 10 years, he had not married, and there were no public affairs. He was hers, he always was, and she was sure he couldn't resist her.

When he was 19 and they where engaged, he had longed for a look, a smile or a touch of her. He was the most attractive, prettiest and funniest young man in London, he was eager to achieve something and completely in love with her.

Now, more than 10 years later, he was still madly attractive, but he never searched for her gaze and rarely looked back, only touched her when it could not be avoided, and did not laugh at all.

He was successful, he had perhaps a little dark, but respectable reputation, and when he entered a room, one felt practically his presence.

He was the man who had eaten himself after Eliza Campion for 10 years, and now they finally got back together. He was her trophy, but it left a bitter taste in Eliza's mouth.

How could he change like that?

But she would never give up, repressed all the thoughts of this brown-haired peasant girl, whom he had danced with right here in that ballroom and dug her nails in his arm. He didn't even seem to notice.

Each fiber of Sidney's being cried out for more brandy to cover up the pain inside.It was unbearable to be in this ballroom, to look at the dance floor, where he could only see her in front of him, in her golden dress and bright eyes.

Four months of agony.

If he thought it would be easier to be in London, he was mistaken.The more time he spent with Eliza, the more miserable he became.The prospect that this would be his life made him angry, while at the same time feeling powerless and completely empty.

He drank to sleep without dreaming, worked too much to distract himself and the constant tension in his body made his muscles hurt.

It wasn't the first time he wondered if the stinging headache would ever go away, but he bit his jaw so hard to keep his face emotionless that it was unlikely.

Sighing, he turned away from Eliza, who had actually let go of his arm to greet one of her countless friends.Without reacting to her pointed gaze, he reached for another glass and stepped more into the shadow of a column.

It was impossible that he would be able to dance tonight, and he knew that fact would only make Eliza even more angry.

Again, he retreated into his own thoughts, thinking of the warmth of Charlotte's body as he held her in his arms, much closer than it would have been allowed, and lowered his head to hide the small smile that drew on his lips.

So he didn't notice a group of people coming up to them and winced when he heard his name.

"Mr.Parker, Mrs.Campion, how nice to meet you here," Lady Susan smiled, even though her voice was much cooler.

"Lady Susan, what a beautiful dress," Eliza replied enthusiastically and with far too sweet a tone.“It has been far too long since we last met.”

Sidney said nothing, bowed politely and closed his hands behind his back.

“Indeed, I believe it was last summer in the beautiful Sanditon.” Lady Susan watched the couple, Mrs. Campion seemed to shine while the famous Mr. Sidney Parker was standing there with an emotional face and tense posture.

“Of course, at the delightful rural regatta,” Eliza’s smile became more forced, she took possession of Sidney’s arm, which he obviously gave her reluctantly.

It was a clear side-shot, and Sidney took it with a stoic face.

"Indeed," Susan said slowly and nodded at Mrs. Campion. “I have not yet expressed my congratulations on you engagement, what happy news.”

Eliza laughed, looked up at Sidney and tightened her grip on him. "Oh, but that's been so long ago, it seems to me that it's never been different, isn't it, Sidney?"

It seemed she didn’t expect an answer, nor did he give any, since she spoke of the elaborate preparations without interruption.

“I recently learned the news of a lovely friend who wrote me,” Susan said, and saw right in Sidney’s eyes. She wanted to see his reaction and wasn't disappointed.

He swallowed hard, his jaw muscles twitched, and although he remained expressionless, he could not hide the pain in his eyes. “I must have actually missed the ad in the newspaper.”

Sidney knew exactly who she was talking about and his inside flinched. He hoped this evening would finally be over, or at least he'd have been drinking more so far. To his displeasure, his glass was already empty again, and there was no servant with a new one nearby.

Without his involvement, the conversation continued, but he had no idea what it was all about.

"Mr. Parker," Lady Susan addressed him directly, and Sidney met her gaze."I remember the last time we met here in this ballroom.A lot has changed since then, haven't it?"

Why did she do that?If she had stayed in touch with Charlotte, she would surely know about the whole, miserable story.So did she just want to torment him?

With a shuddering breath, Sidney straightened up a little more, before responding with a slightly rough voice of too many cigars."Indeed. Back then, trees were scattered all over the room and it was still summer."

Lady Susan laughed, but didn't let go of his gaze. "I remember exactly when I met the adorable Miss Heywood."

Eliza's nails dug deep into his skin at these words, but there was nothing in contrast to the sting in his heart when mentioning her name.

He had to get out of here, he felt as if his legs were giving way under him and hastily he looked around for a way out.

"Please excuse me, Ladys, Lord Babington has just arrived and I should greet him," he said stiffly, bowing and dissolving Eliza's hand from him.With a short nod and a muttered "Lady Susan," he turned away and walked towards Babington, but turned away just before his friend and disappeared through an open side door into the cold January night.

Lady Susan looked after him, this man seemed to be a completely different man from the one she last met here.Charlotte had only written her the most necessary details about her end of the summer, had said she would understand Mr. Parker's decision, and Susan had planned to look at him more closely to find out why he had so shamefully broken her friend's tender heart - and that was it, Susan was sure of that.

Now she had seen the worldly, spirited and imposing Mr. Parker start to sway at the mere mention of her name, and she had to press a little more.

So she apologized to the ladies, who swelled out inconsequential gossip and followed him.

It was only when Sidney put his hands around the ice-cold balustrade that he allowed himself to relax.A deep breath escaped his lungs, his shoulders slumped down and his head forward.With his eyes closed, he finally relaxed his face, felt it warp with grief, and cramped his hands around the cold pole.

How could he live like this?

"You don't seem to be able to bear to hear her name, Mr.Parker."

Lady Susan's voice frightened him, he hadn't heard any steps and winced.Immediately his muscles tensed again, he straightened up, but he could not control his face so quickly.So she saw the sheer emotion on his beautiful facial features as he turned half to her.

"Forgive me, I didn't notice you," he said, swallowing.

"You still know who I'm talking about, don‘t you? It was right here, in this room, when I watched two completely lost people dancing."She wanted a reaction from him to see why Charlotte was so trapped by him.

Sidney silent for a moment, overwhelmed by memories, and he realized that Lady Susan wouldn't give in.

So he steeled himself, closed his fingers into fists without paying attention to the hardly healed wounds on his ankles from the last boxing fight, and replied with a harder voice than intended.

“What do you wish to hear from me, Lady Susan?”

"The truth, Mr. Parker, I am only speaking for a woman who is very close to my heart.”

That disarmed him because Charlotte could use a friend like her well.

"Very well, then," Sidney said quietly and rough. “Yes, I find it hard to hear her name, and I cannot stand to say it.” He smiled tightly, rather contracting his muscles and openly returned Lady Susan's inquiring look. She wanted an explanation, raised her eyebrows questioningly and Sidney gave up.

“I lost her, put my family and brother above her out of duty, and hurt her terribly.”

Susan heard his voice grow darker, saw the sadness in his eyes and her voice was gentle as she came closer to hin.

"I can see that you didn't just hurt Charlotte."

Her first name was much worse to endure, and he winced again. “This is not about me, Lady Susan, after all, it was my decision. I sincerely hope she will forget me to remove me from her memory like an unwelcome, unpleasant acquaintance, shed no more tears because of me. That's all I deserve.”

"But what about you, Mr. Parker, will you forget her?’ Lady Susan knew the answer, she saw it in his every move, at the depth of his eyes, and heard it in the hoarse croak of his voice.

Sidney's eyes got wet, but he forced himself to control himself. He should have stayed home today.

“I will love Charlotte as long as I live and hate myself until my last breath for what I did to her.“

He turned away, unable to hold back and stared into the darkness.

"Would you be kind enough to excuse myself to Mrs. Campion? ”He asked without looking at Susan, waiting for no answer. "I can't stand going back in there.”

He went down the steps in the garden and disappeared into the ice-cold night.

He wasn't even wearing a coat, Susan thought worriedly as she retreated into the warmth of the house.

His words had confirmed her suspicion, but her heart hurts for her young friend. She knew about duty and knew that it didn't make anything easier.

She was actually planning to invite Charlotte to London, but now decided to oppose it. She'd be a friend, send her letters and books, and maybe she could have a beach house built in Sanditon to meet her there without having to go to the Parkers.

Now she would tell Mrs. Campion about her fiancé's discomfort, she was sure that Eliza's anger would hit him without hesitation tomorrow at the latest.

Sidney had walked aimlessly until he arrived in Bedford Place, completely chilled. There he locked himself in his study with a bottle of whiskey and drank until he sank into the welcome darkness.

It went on like this for days and weeks. Eliza had been angry, bleeding him and dragging him from one ball to the next like a hunting trophy, until a fateful evening.


	3. Solution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments, i hope you enjoy!

It was one of the most prestigious balls in mid-February, Eliza was in a good mood, Sidney had even forced himself to dance with her, and while she swayed towards a window, laughing and out of breath, he brought her refreshment.

Sidney didn't laugh, he thought her exaggerated happiness was terrible and, as always at these events, wished to go home. But he couldn't, so he got his fiancé's punch and went back to the window.

When he handed her the glass, she stepped closer and beamed at him. To anyone else, she might have been beautiful and seductive at that moment, with red cheeks, sparkling eyes, and her elegant beauty, but Sidney just couldn't see it anymore.

"Thank you very much, my dear," she murmured, and before he could do anything about it, she had lifted up to him and pressed her mouth to his.

Sidney froze, so far he had been able to avoid such intimacy due to social expectations and politeness, had only occasionally had to kiss her hand or cheek, but the feeling of her cool, thin lips against his made his blood go cold.

The last woman he had kissed had been Charlotte, sometimes he still thought he could feel her softness and warmth, taste her sweetness, and in horror he pulled himself free and stepped back.

"Oh Sidney, we're engaged, who should care if we kiss?" Eliza laughed, overriding his apparent dislike.

But Sidney realized with sudden clarity that he could never have this marriage, he wanted - no - he could not share intimacy with her, did not want to touch or kiss her, and the strange feeling of deception he felt took his breath away.

He felt like he was cheating on Charlotte, betrayed her and the thought was unbearable.

Of course, Eliza recognized by his face that he wasn't worried about society, but that he simply didn't want to kiss her.

She had to admit that she didn't care much, her first husband had kissed and patted her constantly, and she had never understood what was so special about it.

Sidney would be hers, he would be her handsome, attractive husband, and that would be enough for her ego.

Laughing, she drank her punch and went back to the lit room to meet her friends and didn't even notice that Sidney wasn't following her.

That night Sidney did not drink to numb his mind, but sat brooding at his desk, looking for a way out of the miserable disaster that had become his life.

\- ~ -

He had been sitting in her drawing room for an hour, waiting.

It was something she liked to do, usually he had always been happy with it, giving him a delay until he had to meet her, but he was impatient today.

The past few weeks had been exhausting, quite painful for him personally, but successful.It had inspired him, given him hope, and he couldn't wait to finally break free from Eliza and her bonds.

"Sidney, I wasn't expecting you," said Eliza pointedly from the door as she walked up to him impeccably dressed in an opulent dress and with perfectly coiffed hair."After ignoring most of my calls lately, you could at least have announced yourself."

Sidney sighed, got up, bowed tightly, and looked at her frankly for the first time in a long time.

She was beautiful, no doubt, she always was, but she was cold.There was nothing warm or loving about her, and Sidney realized that it had always been that way.

Eliza came closer and raised her cheek to him, apparently expecting a kiss, but Sidney was unwilling to give it.

"What, after a month without a word and three weeks before our wedding, you can't even kiss your fiancé on the cheek?" She sounded angry and disappointed, glared at him with her ice-blue eyes and raised her eyebrow questioningly.

Sidney swallowed, it was going to be hard.

"That's exactly why I'm here, Eliza," he said softly, watching her walk past him and sit on the sofa near the fire.She didn't offer him a chair, so he stood.

"What do you mean?" She finally asked pointedly, clasping her hands in her lap.

With a racing heart, Sidney clasped his hands behind his back and rose to his full height.

"I can't marry you, Eliza."

Her laugh made him wince, but his face remained blank.

"Excuse me?I don't think I heard you right, ”she laughed still, exaggerated and fake, but he could see her cheeks blushing slightly.

"You heard me very well, and I'm sure you understood it," he replied firmly.Her laugh stopped and her expression hardened.

"Our wedding is in three weeks, you took my money to save your brother's dream and gave your word." Eliza got up, suddenly cold and she stepped closer to the fireplace.

"My first appointment this morning was in the bank, I made you pay back your entire investment." He spoke calmly, but his mind simmered at the words.

Snorting, Eliza came up to him, an evil glimmer in her eyes.

"And where should you get all the money from, darling.You didn't have it in autumn, so where does it come from suddenly? "

He was uncomfortable talking about it, but at least she deserved his honesty.

"I have sold everything I own, the sum is paid back in full."

He could see that she was getting slightly nervous now, her face was red and she was breathing harder.

"Darling, Sidney, you pretend that the only reason for our engagement was my money," she spoke in a soft voice, grabbing his arm, but dropping her hand again when she noticed how dismissive and tense he was.“We belong together, we always have.We are the prettiest, richest and most influential couple in London.The unapproachable Sidney Parker, who has been waiting for his true love for ten years and I, the woman who has regained his cold heart after finally being released from her old and hard husband. ”

Sidney looked at her, he was trembling with tension and had to control himself not to shout at her.

He snorted, not really a laugh, rather a stunned gasp.

"This is the story that you came up with that sounds so great to you.You know very well that the truth is far from it. ”

"The truth?" She called angrily, staring at him."You gave your word to marry me.You love me. ”She sounded like a defiant child.

"You knew exactly that I had no choice but to accept your immoral offer.You knew I would do anything for Tom and you knew very well that my heart was no longer yours.I was more than clear after the regatta.”

Sidney's voice was still low, but she could clearly hear the anger in it.Eliza backed away a little, but she wasn't ready to give in. 

She had won and she wanted her prize.

"She won't want you now anyway," she said coldly, and Sidney froze."Do you really think your little peasant girl was waiting for you?It was clear at the regatta that the man who defeated you while rowing had his eye on her.She has certainly long forgotten you, you shouldn't give yourself too much credit.You may be beautiful, your reputation is mysterious, but you are cold and hard.The stupid little girl will have found someone better long ago. ”

Her words hurt, damn hurt, but finally she showed her true face.

"You can do whatever you want with me, Eliza, but this wedding will not take place.You will never mention Sanditon, my family or Miss Heywood anywhere, harm their reputation or talk about them, otherwise I will make the circumstances of our engagement public.It's dirty enough to damage your reputation.After all, you practically bought me, even for a woman with your status that is extremely immoral. ”

Eliza grew pale with anger and humiliation, but she wasn't ready to give in yet.

"I could destroy you with just a flick of my finger, Sidney.Do you really think her father would give her to you?"

She couldn't bear the thought of losing him to this girl.

When she made the offer to him after the terrace fire, she knew what she was doing.She knew he didn't love her because he had been clear at the regatta, but she wanted to win. She wanted the story of the man who has been waiting for her for 10 years and who has closed himself to all other women.She wanted him, but when she saw him on the dance floor in London, she had realized that his heart belonged to this trample.

Tom, however, as ignorant as he had always been, had invited her in Sydney's name to come to Sanditon after he had long left her side and she had seen her chance.But she had also seen the connection between Sidney and this terrible Miss Heywood in Sanditon.

She had done everything to make her small to show him that she, Eliza, was a respected woman and Miss Heywood was just a stupid country girl, but at the end of the day he had sent her alone to London with clear words.

When she heard of the fire, she saw her chance, made him the offer, and smiled victoriously when he showed up in her house on the last day of the deadline.

Now, losing so close to the day of her triumph made her angry.

"Do you really think it would be nice to be engaged to you?You are the worst company there is, brooding on balls in the corner, you drink, you fight and you never smile, are always tense.The Sidney I knew is gone, and what you are now is unbearable.Your peasant girl would not stand it with you, even if she can hardly make claims with her status.She may be sweet, but otherwise hollow and naive.Did you think the little Miss Heywood could love you? "

Sidney took a step forward and leaned down a little.

"Mention her one more time and you will regret it, believe me." He growled angrily between clenched teeth and Eliza gasped.

She believed him, had never seen him so angry before, and realized that he was serious.

Slowly she turned, looked out of the window, and tried one last time.

"You could have learned to love me again, Sidney, as you used to.We could have been happy, ”she said softly, but she knew it wasn't true.

"No, Eliza.Maybe back then, maybe we would have been happy back then, but I wasn't enough for you.Now that you got the wealth you wanted, you saw the chance to tie me to you as a trophy, it had nothing to do with love.” What he said was the truth, but it was still difficultto pronounce it.

"It's not true, Sidney ..." she half-heartedly tried to contradict, but they both knew better.

“You could have just invested without your condition.For friendliness.But you wanted a price."

There was nothing left to say, so Sidney bowed and reached for his hat.

"I wish you all the best, Mrs. Campion."

He hadn't yet reached the door when a glass broke on the wall next to him.

"Don't think I'll make it easy for you.You will regret leaving me because all of London will be talking about how the noble and beautiful Eliza Campion has left poor worm Sidney Parker one more time.Nobody will ever want to get engaged to you again, because everyone will know that something is wrong with you. "

Smiling cynically, Sindey turned to her one last time, saw how angry she was, and knew with absolute certainty that he had made the right decision.

“If you enjoy it, Mrs. Campion.Good day."

He hurriedly left the room and closed the door just in time when he heard the next glass break on the wall.

He heard her raging and shouting until her servant closed the front door behind him.

He took a deep breath of relief and felt a weight lift off his shoulders.But Eliza was right.

Would Charlotte still want him?Not knowing, he walked slowly down the street and prepared for the next uncomfortable conversation.

He had to write to Tom and he was sure that he would come here immediately to convince him to crawl back to Eliza.


	4. Friends

"Oh, look who the wind blew here," Crowe's voice greeted him as soon as he entered the Gentelmans Club. "The missing Sidney Parker."

Sidney slowly approached the back of the room, where Crowe and Babington were sitting at their usual table.

He had long considered accepting Babington's invitation that had arrived at Bedford Place this morning, but eventually he had to venture among people again.

"It's a way through pure fire to get here," he growled, looking around unobtrusively, but Babington grabbed his arm, pulled him into a chair and smiled happily at him.

"I'm glad you're here, it's been a long time since I've seen you."

Sidney nodded, reached for the whiskey on the table, and poured himself a glass.

"Oh, the gossip is barely audible, you should have been here two months ago," laughed Crowe, already drunk and bumped into his glass.

It had been two months since Eliza had officially broken their engagement.Two months in which he had waited uncertainly before realizing with absolute certainty that he would have no chance of happyness and then locked himself in Bedford Place.

"Where have you been?Babington forced me to go out of all of your previous opium caves to drag you out of there if necessary. ”

Sidney made a disgusted face, unconsciously scratched his arms and shook his head with a crooked grin.

"Thank you for thinking the worst of me," he grumbled, but secretly rejoiced in his friends' concern.“I was at home all the time, at Bedford Place. The house is big, if you walk slowly through all the rooms, it takes almost an hour. ”

They laughed out loud, it was nice to feel so casual, and Sidney sipped his glass.

"We were worried.When the news of the broken engagement spread, there was no sign of you.” Babington watched him closely, wanting to see his reaction.

The tight, typical smile appeared, he narrowed his eyes briefly, but didn't answer.

"I didn't understand at all why you wanted to marry her. She's freezing cold, ”Crowe said a little too loudly, but Sidney just stared at the bottle in front of him.

"Duty, guilt, ... foolishness," Sidney mumbled absently, and Babington and Crow glanced at each other.

"I thought it wasn't love," Babington started and was interrupted by a short snort from Sidney, "it was because of Tom, right?Because of the fire in Sanditon. "

Sidney hesitated, but these were his oldest and best friends, and Babers didn't sound like he didn't know the answer long ago.

"My dear brother had no insurance for the newly built terrace, which is why he faced ruin after the fire," he said sarcastically before taking a sip of his whiskey."Lady Denham wanted to see him in the debtor's prison if we couldn't find a solution within a week.And I didn't find any, there was only Eliza's degrading offer that if I marry her, she would invest. "

Babington nodded, that was exactly what he suspected and his heart sank.He had been so busy with his own happyness at the time that he overlooked his friend's fateful situation.

Crowe's brain, on the other hand, worked slower due to the amount of alkohol, which is why he looked at his friends in confusion."What does your brother's ruin have to do with you?Why did you have to look for a solution?"

Sidney sighed and poured himself in, he definitely needed more whiskey for such a conversation.

"He has a wife and four children, he helped me when I was down and he would never have found a way out himself."

"If she wanted to marry you so much that she bought you, why did she broke the engagement now?" Babington hissed at Crowe's insolent question, but Sidney just shrugged and took another swig of the burning liquid.

"I asked her for it," he said softly, and when his friends looked at him questioningly, he continued unwillingly.

"She thought it was going to be the way it was ten years ago, but I'm not that man anymore. She wanted me as a trophy, the man who loved her so much that he had been waiting for her for 10 years. ”

He refilled his glas again, noticed the look from Babington, but ignored it.

"It wasn't what she imagined, I could hardly stand it near her, and when I realized that I couldn't live like this, I did everything I could to pay her her money back."

"You bought yourself free," said Babington disgustedly, wondering how painful the past months would have been for his friend.

Sidney nodded, a little ashamed of this statement, but basically it was correct.

“I sold almost everything I owned, my plantations, my houses on the West Indis, all ships and all warehouses except one.That was enough to give her back her investment and I founded the Sanditon-Holding together with Arthur from the rest of what I still have.” He looked completely defeated and Babington took a large swig of whiskey himself.

"I don't know who was angrier, Eliza, when I told her I could never love her and asked her to break the engagement three weeks before the wedding, or Tom when I told him that all spending on Sanditon had to go to the holding company, as well as all the earnings. "

Sidney laughed, more tortured than happy."You see, I'm rid of Eliza, but will be bound to Tom and Sanditon for the rest of my life."

Sidney raised his glass, cheered, and drank.

"I had no idea, old friend," Crowe said, genuinely shocked, and grabbed Sidney's arm briefly to give him support.

It was quiet at her table for a while, thoughtless Sidney turned the glass in his hand, admired the shimmering liquid, and didn't think for the first time how miserable his life had become.

They talked about other things for a while, about Babington's marriage, the forthcoming hunt in his country house, and Crowe's business, they where laughing and drinking, almost as before, but Sidney seemed a little trapped in his own head.

Babington's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, but the words made his body shiver.

"Have you been to Willingdon?"

There was no answer and Crowe was confused again.

"What is he supposed to do in Willingdon?" He mumbled, slowly getting seriously drunk.

Since Sidney was still not ruling, Babington continued to speak.

“I saw the two of you at the ball in London. Two people who completely lose themselves in a single dance.In Sanditon, before the fire, you wanted to propose to her, I know that, so please Sidney, tell me that you spoke to her.”

He spoke so intensely that Sidney finally looked at him.

The sadness and pain on his face was more than clear, he was unable to hide it, and his voice was little more than a whisper when he spoke after a long hesitation.

"I can't go to her."

"Who to go to?" Crowe asked confused, but no one paid any attention to him.

"Why not?" Babington leaned forward in his chair, trying to catch his friend's eyes, but Sidney stared blankly into the air as if he had a completely different picture in front of him.

And so it was, Sidney did not see the table with the whiskey and glasses, he saw a beautiful face framed by dark curls, Charlotte's face, over which her tears ran after hurting her so terribly.

"What should I say to her?" He asked desperately, and Babington and Crowe were shocked to see his eyes shimmer suspiciously."How could she ever trust me again after what I did to her?How should I ask forgiveness if I know better than anyone that there is no forgiveness for what I have done. ”

Sidney desperately tried to control himself, raised one hand and pressed two fingers against his eyes to hold back his tears, then threw back his full glass with a sip.

To his surprise, it was Crowe who poured him, apparently he had finally understood who they were talking about and he even squeezed his arm briefly.

Babington, on the other hand, shook his head and couldn't accept what his friend said.

"You can't compare what you did with what Eliza did to you so long ago. The circumstances are completely different."

Shaking his head, Sidney sank further back in his chair, his face as expressionless and hard as most of the time.

"The pain remains the same no matter what the reason," Sidney said harshly."I saw her tears, heard her cry, and still let her go in that damned carriage.I sincerely hope that she has long forgotten,that what we had is just an unpleasant, blurry memory for her - that's all I deserve. ”

With a loud creak of the chair, he suddenly stood, swayed slightly, but managed to control.

"Excuse me, I didn't want to spoil your evening.Good night."

With that he went back to Bedford Place, alone and lonely, where he sat down in an armchair and drank until, as so often, he sank into the relieving darkness of unconsciousness.

Two days later, he left London for the painful trip to Sanditon, where countless memories awaited him.He hadn't been there since he left last fall and was afraid to come back.

But with all his money and Arthur's investment, he couldn't leave Tom unattended, he just couldn't trust him anymore.

—————————-

Being in Sanditon was joy and pain all in one.

Every street and every place reminded him of her, the beach, the coves, the river.When he stood in Tom's study he saw herin her white dress after the regatta, lit by the candles as he spread his innermost heart in front of her, in the hall of Sanditon House his heart was racing at how close he was to absolute happiness, and on his daily, long walks over the cliffs he could feel her soft, gentle lips on his.

The worst memories came to him in the salon of Trafalger House and where he had stopped her carriage to say goodbye to her forever.He would never forget her tears, her agony and pain, and he hated himself a little more each day.

What did she have to think of him?

The only ones who were happy to have him in Sanditon were Mary and the children.Georgiana reproached him, Tom was still angry and deeply hurt at his brother's betrayal, and Mr. Stringer's aversion had turned into overt contempt.

It got worse when Sidney kept rejecting plans, making changes, and slowing construction due to funding.

So Sidney worked most of the time in his study, writing countless letters to investors, reading books on architecture to improve construction, playing with the kids, and taking long, lonely walks.

He drank too much, but that was the only way he seemed to be able to sleep a few hours a day without being tortured by dreams.

The second Sanditon regatta was a success, even if Sidney was sitting at the hotel bar with Crowe in the morning and drinking bourbon until Babibgton insulted him and pressed his head into the cold fountain in front of the horse stable.

Sidney resigned himself to spending his life in loneliness and grief, he just knew that to survive he had to leave Sanditon at some point.

And then he heard her voice, her gentle, lovely voice in the hallway of Trafalger House.


	5. Unexpectedly encounter

Charlotte Heywood had to force herself to leave her room and go down the stairs where Mary was waiting for her.

How could she have thought that visiting Sanditon wouldn't hurt her anymore?

The past months had been difficult for her.

The grief, the physical agony of being separated from him and the thought of her life without him had consumed her.

She had made a brave face for everyone, smiled and laughed, played and hunted with her siblings, and looked forward to her friends' letters.

Her family had asked her about her months in Sanditon with great curiosity, and she had enthusiastically shared her experiences without mentioning his name even once.If she said anything about him at all, it was only as Mr. Tom Parker's younger brother, and her family assumed that he hardly played a role in Sanditon or her experiences.

Nobody seemed worried, only her father looked at her with a strange look.

Everyone, of course, recognized that she was quieter and more withdrawn than before, that she took long, lonely walks at dawn and Allison noticed that she slept poorly and little, after all, they shared a bed.

Her father saw her several times late at night when he looked at the animals one last time, sitting by the window and crying, but he didn't respond to her, just kept giving her a gentle smile or a warm hug.

She would talk about it when she was ready, Mr. Heywood thought, giving her time.

But Charlotte couldn't talk about it, couldn't even say his name to herself, and included every memory of him in her heart.

She wasn't angry because she understood too well that it was she who was pushing him to do more for his brother and Sanditon.Of course, she also knew that it was she who had changed him, who had taken off his hard, repellent shell, and had exposed the gentle, soulful man who he really was.

It hurt her, because with his armor he could have endured much better what lay ahead.

Although Charlotte had no idea about these things, she knew that she would love him for the rest of her life, that what she had with him was special.

But all she felt now was pain and sadness.

And the more months passed, the more certain she became that he had long been married, although neither Georgiana, Mary, or Mr. Stringer, who kept writing to her, ever mentioned the event or even his person, the more insecure she became.

Had he ever loved her?

Had he forgotten her long ago and was happy with his wife, the woman he had missed for so many years of his life?

Did he ever think of her or had she just imagined it all?

The questions tormented her, but she still got up every day, the pain less acute over time, but dull in her chest.

When Mary's invitation came, she told herself it would be nice to see everything again, after all she had loved Sanditon and decided not to let her grief lock her in.

She would do like Sidney when he was left.

She would shut herself up, put on a stoic face, and let no one get too close to see her grief.

But she wasn't him, already when the carriage drove over the cliffs, past the place where she saw him for the first time and a short time later when she saw him the last time, her tears had been running down her face continuously.

Seeing him, hearing his dark voice had opened her heart again, and the sadness flooded her.

Still, she was happy to see Mary, the kids, and Georgiana, so she took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and went downstairs to have a nice evening with the Parkers and Georgiana.

At night she cried herself to sleep, she hadn't seen him again, didn't even know where he was, since Georgiana only mentioned that they lived together in a smaller house out of town, so she couldn't even stare at the Crown Hotel, like the last time she was here and imagining him in one of the rooms. 

Not for the first time since arriving, she wished she hadn't left Willingden in the first place. 

—- ~ —- 

Only at dawn did Sidney reach the small house on the outskirts that he had bought for Georgiana and himself.Even though she probably disliked him even more now than before, she was grateful that she no longer had to live with Mrs. Griffits.

At first he had stayed with Tom and Mary for lack of money for the hotel, but he hadn't been able to endure with Tom.He needed space for himself, otherwise he would have gone insane.

The house was small, closer to the cliffs and had an incredible view of the sea.It was older, long uninhabited and therefore not as pompous as Tom's new buildings.Sidney liked it, it was private and personal and just right for his feeling as an outsider.

Georgiana didn't care if he sat in his study all night smoking and drinking bourbon or whiskey, or if he never came home and walked over the cliffs for hours like today.

Sidney was angry with himself.

The first time he'd thought about leaving Sanditon and England and going back to Antigua was two months ago.But the prospect of the bad weather conditions for such a trip in the autumn and the fact that he became terribly ill even in calm and gentle seas had kept him back again and again.He postponed it until spring, when he would have enough time to hire someone for Sanditon's finances because he couldn't bring himself to trust his brother.Not in this matter, and otherwise it was difficult for him.

Exhausted, he sat down in an armchair in the small drawing room, stared into the extinguished fireplace, and froze.He knew he should try to sleep, but how could he if the woman he loved with every fiber of his being slept in a bed at Tragalger House just a few doors down.

His body screamed for something to drink, but he pushed it away.That wouldn't help either.

Georgiana found Sidney slumped in an armchair after breakfast, he was sleeping, but his whole body and face were tense and she suspected he was cold.

She had no pity for him, loathed him for what he had done, and enjoyed his suffering, well ... at least a little.

His name had never appeared in Charlotte's letters, just as little as anything else that had to do with him, and that had taken Georgiana as evidence of how hurt and sad her friend was.And how angry.

So she hadn't mentioned him in her letters, not a word, and now she was looking forward to seeing how Charlotte would take him apart now that she was back here in Sanditon. 

With a loud clearing of the throat and the slamming of the door, she woke Sidney, saw him flinch in shock, and smiled maliciously at him.

"We received an invitation from your brother for lunch, isn't that nice? To celebrate the arrival of our dear friend Charlotte."

Taking a deep breath, Sidney rubbed his face, a look at his pocket watch showed that he might have slept for two hours, haunted by wild, tormenting dreams, and he was terribly cold. He got up stiffly, measured his ward with a quick glance and saw the satisfaction on her face.

"Your presence is expected, and I think politeness requires that you at least dress freshly," she said cheerfully, the dishonest kind of cheerfully, and looked at him.

"You enjoy that, am I right?" Sidney's voice was still rough from sleep, he was hoarse from the cold and his body shivered.When Georgiana nodded, he slowly walked to the door to disappear into his room."Have you ever thought that it might hurt her to see me?"

He might not have been vain enough to think she might still have feelings for him, and he knew she was lost for him, but her horrified look yesterday when she saw him, showed him that she hadn't expected him here in Sanditon.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself. She hasn't mentioned you in a single letter in over a year, so why should she care about you at all." Georgiana ignored Sidney's wince at her words and stoically looked back.

Then he nodded, snorted with a grimace, and left the drawing room.

Washed, exhausted, but perfectly dressed, he reached Trafalger House shortly after noon, where he could already hear the enthusiastic voices of Mary, Tom and Georgiana from the door.

Charlotte was really happy to see them all again, she had really missed these people, but she wasn't feeling as comfortable in this house as she had last time.

It seemed too elegant, too big and too stiff, memories lurked everywhere - of a conversation, of a quick glance, of her heart that was racing and of pain.

Would he come to this lunch?And would his wife go with him?

She hadn't asked any questions last night, and Mary and Tom hadn't said anything.They had talked about Willingden, the past summer, and many other things, but not about Sidney. 

"We will go for a walk afterwards Charlotte, there is so much to tell," Georgiana beamed at her friend, she really missed her.

"You've gotten too thin, Miss Charlotte, you have to eat more," said Arthur, and Charlotte laughed sheepishly.

"I'm fine, I've been helping my Family in the fields all summer," she said, suddenly feeling the air change in the room.

In the hallway, tense and with aching muscles, Sidney had taken a deep breath, how could he survive this lunch if his inside was already aching just because he heard her voice.

Slowly he stepped towards the salon, stopped in the door and looked at her carefully.

It was true, she was thinner, her eyes sadder, and her face had lost some of the radiance of her curiosity about everything new. Her hair was a little longer, still falling open and in wild curls over her shoulders, her skin was brown and it seemed as if she had gotten more freckles.

She was wearing a brown dress with long sleeves and a white, high-necked blouse, not one of last summer's muslin dresses that had shown so much of her figure.

But she was beautiful and he was unable to look away from her.

When Charlotte looked up and her eyes met across the room, for a moment it just seemed to be the two of them. 

Nothing seemed to have changed and all the doubts Charlotte had about him disappeared.

Each of them sank into the other's eyes, the intensity of his eyes made Charlotte's heart race, and for the first time since she had left Sanditon, she felt the heat that only he seemed to be able to release.

She would have loved to go to him, touch him and stroke his cheek, where she saw a muscle twitch with tension.His whole body seemed tense, but he was as beautiful as she remembered, his shoulders and chest broad and muscular under the black vest that Charlotte blushed slightly.

But he was married, out of reach for her and Charlotte swallowed hard.


	6. Some truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's so nice that you like the story! Thanks a lot

They were still staring at each other without noticing anything around them.

"Sidney," Tom called when Charlotte thought she saw his mouth twist into a tiny smile, but now he winced and looked away."We thought you were delayed."

"Please forgive me," Sidney answered harshly and sat down on the only free chair at the table, thank God at the opposite end of Charlotte.

He caught an angry look from Georgiana, who was sitting right next to Charlotte, before stubbornly concentrating on his plate and Diana next to him.

Everything seemed normal, everyone laughed, Tom spoke of the excellent new theater that the wonderful Mr. Stringer had designed and Mary invited Charlotte to the first performance, which was supposed to be in January.

So it went to dessert, the perfect picture of a happy family, except that one person at the table only answered questions, never asked one and another hadn't said a word.

When the table was quiet for a little moment, Charlotte couldn't stand it anymore and had to ask the question that almost drove her crazy.She needed to know, so she cleared her throat and looked straight at Sidney, who silently twirled his wine glass between his fingers.

"How's your wife, Mr. Parker?" She heard the tremor in her voice, was aware that suddenly everyone in the room was looking at her, but she only focused on him when he looked up in shock from the direct address and met her eyes."Doesn't she feel comfortable accompanying you here or has Mrs. Parker stayed in London?"

Sidney's eyes were unfathomable, he was silent for a long moment, but did not turn his eyes away from her until he finally answered quietly.

"There is no Mrs. Parker for me, Miss Heywood.I'm afraid I'll be an outlier all my life. ”His face briefly twisted into his typical, tight smile as he remembered when she called him that, but Charlotte's reaction surprised him.

Didn't she know?Sidney had been convinced that Georgiana or Mary would have told her, but her completely confused expression said otherwise.

What?Charlotte's thoughts raced, as did her heart.Wasn't he married?

She was still staring into his eyes, trying to read him, but all she saw was sadness.

Just when she wanted to ask, had to ask what had happened, a servant appeared next to Sidney.

"Forgive me, Mr. Parker, but your cook is here and says Mr. Stringer would be waiting for you and insisted on meeting you right away."

Sidney sighed, got up, and bowed."Please excuse me, good day."

Before he left he looked at Charlotte again, she was still staring at him, confused and completely unsettled, but also with a little sparkle in her eyes.

Georgiana barely spoke of him during their walk after the lunch, but if, only in contempt, she showed her the house that she lived with him, but they did not enter it.She excitedly told her that she corresponded with Otis Moulinoux again, of course without her guardian knowing, and Charlotte had to bite her tongue to avoid expressing her discomfort.

Secretly, she was happy when her friend left her and she could walk a few more steps alone.

There she had met Arthur.

The youngest Parker brother was as enthusiastic and excited as ever, talking about the weather, his exercise and illnesses, but apparently genuinely happy that Charlotte was back in Sanditon.

"It's really so nice to have you back here, Miss Charlotte.Something was really missing this summer,” he said honestly, offering his arm to go back to town.

"Arthur, can I ask you something?" Charlotte began carefully.But Arthur looked at her so openly that she continued."What happened that your brother and Mrs. Campion didn't get married?"

She hoped she didn't sound too eager, but Arthur didn't seem to notice, not even that she didn't say Sidney's name.

"Oh, that's a long story, Miss Charlotte.I always had the feeling that Sidney wasn't happy with his engagement, he looked worse every day and after he left Sanditon in autumn we didn't hear a word from him.”

Charlotte listened carefully, glad of the cold wind that would explain the moisture in her eyes.

“And then, in the spring, he wrote to me and asked me to come to London.I was so worried, Miss Charlotte, that I left immediately, even if Diana was worried, but what I found at Bedford Place was really terrifying.I've never seen him like this before, but ... "Arthur paused, a shadow flew over his face before shaking his head and patting her hand.

"Well, he asked for help, said that he had sold almost everything he had to get Mrs. Campion back her money.My dear brother Sidney founded a holding company in which after the payment of Eliza was all his, now very small, assets, but he lacked the last 5 thousand pounds.I could see how difficult it was for him, although he wasn't asking for himself, but for Tom, but he asked me to invest. "

Charlotte was completely confused by what she heard.

He had sold everything?Did he give up everything he had and owned to be free from Eliza?

“Of course I agreed, even invested more than he needed, and since then Sidney has been responsible for Sanditon's income and expenses.Tom was terribly angry when the news came that the wedding would not take place, I think he is still angry. "

The two had reached Trafalger House and Arthur said goodbye, since Diana must have been sick with concern for him.But before he left, he turned again and caught Charlotte's eyes.

"I think he's relieved not to be married to Mrs. Campion, but he's not happy.I think my dear brother is terribly lonely. "

With that Arthur left, secretly believing that there had been something between Charlotte and Sidney and hoped to have pushed Charlotte in the right direction.

Deep in thought, Charlotte entered the big house, apologized for the evening, and went to her room.She hardly slept, saw his dark, sad eyes in front of her and felt the heat in her body again just because she thought of him.

Would it be possible for them to have a future?But why hadn't he come to her, why hadn't he spoken to her?

There were far too many questions in her head, and despite the disappointment that he hadn't visited her, she decided to find out the answers.

When she went downstairs the next morning, she heard Tom's angry voice.She didn't want to listen, but she couldn't move either. 

"... he just doesn't release it, Mary, can you understand that? In a few days is the first winter ball, the announcement of the start of construction for the Pogoda would be a triumph and he simply refuses.” Tom was really angry, walked up and down excitedly and kneaded his hands.

"Tom, your brother has good reasons to hold back the plans," Mary tried to calm him down, but Tom didn't seem to hear her.

"Yesterday he was arguing with Mr. Stringer so loudly that it seemed to be heard on the street, and did you see his hands and face this morning?" Tom paused briefly and Charlotte wondered what it all meant.

Did Sidney get hurt?Or had he been fighting?

"I swear, Mary, if he continues to behave like this, so dismissive and unapproachable, continues to drink so much, hardly sleeps and goes to these illegal boxing matches, I'll send him away from here.I put him on the next ship somewhere, maybe he'll come to his senses again."

"Tom," there was distinct anger in Mary's voice, but Tom didn't notice."You forget where we would be, where you would be without Sidney."

"Please, my dear, he is forcing me to have every issue signed by him, we could have been so much further with the town if he had just married.I really don't understand the whole thing."

Mary sighed, "I know Tom, I know."

With that she left her husband's study and just saw Charlotte's skirts disappear up the stairs.

She sighed again, wondering if she had done the right thing when she lured her young friend here and decided to spend a nice day with her.

She invited her to a trip to the bathing machines, they played with the children and in the evening they sat together in front of the warm fireplace and talked about Charlotte's family and siblings.

"It's so nice to have you here, Charlotte," Mary said softly before retiring for the night."I missed laughing and talking to you." 

Smiling, Charlotte squeezed her hand.She was right, it was very nice and she had felt very comfortable tonight.

"I missed you too, Mary.It's nice to be here."

It wasn't entirely true, but Charlotte tried to be positive.


	7. Meet a friend

Troubled, Charlotte left the house for a little walk on her fourth day in Sanditon.

It's been two days, two days since she saw him.

He avoided her, once she thought she heard his voice in Tom's study, but when she came downstairs, he was gone.

She knew that she couldn't just go to his house, which would be totally inappropriate, so she tried to find him by accident on the construction sites.

Tom had left for the new theater after breakfast to discuss further work, and maybe he would be there too.

She kept hearing Tom talking about him in her head, and she was starting to really worry about him.

She was startled when Mr. Stringer called her name and jumped from a scaffold directly in front of her.He had written to her the past year and she had replied out of kindness and because she had always liked to talk to him about architecture.

"Miss Heywood, how nice to have you back." Mr. Stringer beamed at her, even reached for her hand and didn't seem to notice Charlotte flinching slightly.

"Mr.Stringer, nice to see you. ”Charlotte smiled, she was really happy, even if she unobtrusively pulled her hand back.

"I wanted to visit you this morning after hearing that you are here.Have you seen the new theater yet? "

"No, not yet, I was just on my way there," answered Charlotte, looking in the direction of the almost completed Building.

"Maybe I can go with you then, Miss?" Stringer said, his eyes sparkled, but Charlotte could hardly refuse.

She had never met him other than friendly, so she accepted his offer and they went on together.

Her heart was racing as they approached the building.There he stood, Sidney Parker, talking to Tom.Or rather, he was arguing with him, and before she could reach him, he turned and walked away quickly.She didn't know if he'd noticed her, couldn't see his face because she was too far away, and if she had been there alone she'd have run after him.

But now Mr. Stringer was at her side, talking about the great building and drawing her attention to the beautiful facade.

"Charlotte, Mr. Stringer, what a nice wether for the ball tomorrow." Tom greeted her with delight, walked towards them with outstretched arms and then turned in a circle.

"Isn't it great, Charlotte?Look at it, isn't it fantastic? "

"It is, Mr. Parker," laughed Charlotte, Tom had always been able to infect his enthusiasm.But now everything had a bitter aftertaste.

Tom looked at Mr. Stringer, they shared a look Charlotte didn't understand, but then Tom spoke.

"I communicated our plans to my brother.You can see from his departure that he wasn't thrilled.”

"That was to be expected," growled Mr. Stringer, "I've already spoken to him, but he didn't want to be changed."

"He was angry, as expected, but he will certainly calm down." Tom seemed satisfied, "he can't change it anyway." 

Charlotte said nothing, what should she say?These matters were none of her business, she had no right to speak.But inside her heart screamed.It was incredibly rude from them to talk about Sidney in her presence like this.

"Mr.Stringer, you have to show Charlotte the theater, I'm sure she'll be amazed.It's absolutely adorable."

Tom said goodbye and Mr. Stringer showed her the way.

He spoke about the elaborate construction, the exquisite materials and his suggestions for the plans.Mr. Stringer was thrilled to show her all of this and didn't seem to notice that Charlotte wasn't quite there.

When they had walked around the theater and approached the promenade to the beach, Mr. Stringer pointed to a fenced area.

"The Work on the Pogoda had started long ago, do you remember my drawing?"

Charlotte looked at him with a small smile.Of course she remembered.

"Of course, Mr. Stringer, you showed me, she was really great."

"I made it new, Mr. Parker wanted a few more changes and I wanted to build the Pogoda to honor my father." He looked a little sad, Charlotte knew he missed his father terribly

"What a nice idea," she said, smiling."He will be happy about it."

Mr. Stringer nodded, then looked at the abandoned construction site and snorted.

"Yes, but Mr. Parker, Mr. Sidney Parker ...," he choked out the name and Charlotte winced, "... refuses to commission the work and sign the contracts.Tom Parker may be an idealist and a dreamer, but at least he made a difference while we're only working on one project now.”

You could hear the dislike that Mr. Stringer had for Mr. Parker, and Charlotte answered him a tad cooler than normal.

"I understood that Mr. Sidney Parker is now responsible for funding Sanditon, so he must have reasons for his decisions."

She had stopped, inconspicuously putting some distance between herself and Mr. Stringer and looking at him defiantly.

It wasn't appropriate to talk about his employer like this, and she found it extremely rude.

"Mr.Parker didn't deserve your kindness, Miss Heywood, ”said Mr. Stringer, taking a step toward her.“He is a tough, rude man who has little control over his temper and questions every decision made here.He treated you shamefully, Miss, and you shouldn't be too concerned with him. ”

Charlotte's heart was racing with anger, why did everyone have to judge him when nobody seemed to really know him?

Mr. Stringer had no idea who Sidney really was, and Charlotte felt an almost physical pain at his derogatory words.No one had the right to be angry with him for their relationship except for herself.

But she pulled herself together, they had always been friends, and she at least owed him kindness.

"Thank you, Mr. Stringer, for your warning," it came out harder than intended, but she was just too upset."If you would excuse me now, I'm going to have tea with Mary."

She curtsied politely, waited for no answer, and took quick steps.

On the way to Trafalger House, she met Georgiana and Mary, who were about to go to the dressmaker for the ball next evening.

She was immediately persuaded to go with them, although Charlotte refused to try on a new dress.She had enough clothes and didn't want a new one.The memory of the last dress fitting she had here in Sanditon was just too big.

At that time she had barely noticed anything, just kept feeling Sydney's lips against hers, his arms around her body and her fingers in his hair.

So time passed and it was late afternoon when they returned to Trafalger House.

The children greeted them loudly, begged for attention and so Tom decided without much thoughts to go for a walk on the beach.

It was nice, but somehow it seemed like something was missing.

Sidney was missing, and when Henry asked if Uncle Sidney would come, Tom said no.Mary gave him a strange look, but Tom didn't respond.

They had walked for a while when Charlotte saw a dark, tall figure a good way ahead of them.She knew immediately that it was him, his build, his gait, that was all he was, her heart was racing and the cold air suddenly seemed to be getting warmer.

She went with Mary, had Jenny by the hand and could barely hear what was being said.

She hoped to finally have the opportunity to speak at least a few words with him before he would disappear again.


	8. A walk on the beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoy this...
> 
> thank you so mutch for reading

Sidney did not quite notice who was approaching him.

He looked down, his head still heavy, his body still aching, although he had tried to calm down.

He had avoided her, it was easy because he seemed to be able to sense her presence before he saw her.She almost caught him this morning, on the construction site, but he had to go anyway, otherwise he would have lost control in public and hit his brother.

It was hard to know she was here, that she was walking with Stringer, didn't make it better, and he knew that he would probably end up in the basement of the warehouse where the boxing matches were going on tonight.He went to relieve his frustration and because he enjoyed the pain that was brought in by his opponents' blows.

What had happened to his life, he asked himself again before he was startled to hear his name from several children's voices.

"Uncle Sidney, Uncle Sidney ...".

Henry reached him first, threw himself at him, and Sidney couldn't help but smile when he picked him up.The girls jumped around him and he chased them briefly through the wet sand, bit them screaming and ran off.

Those minutes were the best of his day, and he was desperately looking for them.As tense as his relationship with Tom was, his children loved him and he loved them.

"Sidney, how nice to meet you," cried Tom, serious. His brother was difficult, but he was his brother, and Tom knew secretly that he needed him.

Only now Sidney looked up at the group, saw Tom and Mary and of course Miss Heywood.Her hair fluttered in the wind, she held her hood with one hand and her coat seemed far too thin for the storms at the sea.

"Tom, Mary, well met," he said harshly, looking at Tom first, then at Mary with a smile, then turning his eyes to her. 

"Miss Heywood ...".

She looked at him, her cheeks flushed from the cold, her eyes slid over him, and suddenly he felt hot.

"Come on, walk a bit with us, we still have to talk to each other anyway," Tom's voice tore both of them out of their rigid and Sidney looked at him almost amused.

"I don't know what else is to be discussed ...," he began, but Mary interrupted him.

"Please, no business. The day is almost over, can't we just go for a walk as a family? The kids missed you, Sidney."

As if to confirm, Henry and Alisia grabbed one of his hands and pulled him into the direction he had just come from.

Sidney laughed, walked with them without resistance and felt her eyes on his back all the time.

Unable to turn away from him, Charlotte didn't notice Mary's knowing smile.

The wind blew heavily, blowing Sidney's coat around his skinny body.Every curve was traced, he didn't have his hat with him, his curls were wild around his head and his laugh made her belly flutter strangely.

After a while the children grabbed their parents' hands, Mary and Tom walked closer to the water with them, leaving Charlotte and Sidney alone.

He stood a little further in front of her, looked at her with an unreadable look as she walked slowly towards him and then lowered his eyes.

Charlotte looked at him, only now saw that there were still drops of water in his hair and that his tie was less neatly tied.She looked in the direction he had come from, realized that there was the cove back there where she had stumbled over him so long ago, and blushed. 

"You were swimming, Mr. Parker, am I right?" She teased him, but could hardly hide the slight sway.She had never forgotten the sight of him, naked, wet and shining in the sun, remembered the feeling of his hard body and couldn't help but let her eyes slide briefly over his chest.

Sidney looked up in surprise, saw her blush and knew exactly what she was thinking. A smile appeared on his face, his eyes sparkled and he looked at her with his head tilted to the side.

He really missed her.

"Honestly, I was, yes," he replied softly, but with a laugh in his voice.

Frowning, she met his eyes, her breath caught, and she reached into the fabric of her coat so he wouldn't see her hands shake.He looked beautiful, her heart was racing, but she tried to calm down.

"Isn't it a little too cold to swim in the sea this time of year?" She asked quietly as they slowly started walking along the beach side by side. 

They were too close, his coat touched her legs by the wind and the bands of her bonnet curled up on his shoulder, but none of them wanted to go further apart.

Sidney laughed softly, looked down and thought for a moment.

"I've been swimming here all my life all year round, it's soothing and the pain of the cold has become a welcome distraction."

She didn't understand what he meant, looked up at him in confusion and now she saw the sadness in his eyes again, at least for a moment, until he was under control again.

"Distraction from what, Mr. Parker?"

He turned away from her, stared at the horizon, and then replied so softly that she almost didn't hear it.

"My thoughts ..., my dreams ..., my feelings." 

Their eyes met, each seemed to be drawn to the other, and Charlotte trembled.

But Sidney misunderstood, maybe he wanted to misunderstand it deliberately and raised his eyebrows.

"Don't you have a thick coat, Miss Heywood?" He said challenging and Charlotte laughed.

Her winter coat was thick enough, she felt a lot thicker in it and knew he was teasing her.It was such a pleasant feeling, in contrast to the heaviness of her heart, that she looked down at herself.

"I appear to be almost twice as wide in this coat, I don't think it could be any thicker."

"By no means, Miss Heywood," Sidney muttered, and Charlotte watched his eyes darken as they wandered over her tight-fitting pink wool coat.He cleared his throat, swallowed, and then looked back at her with a smile. 

It seemed easy to laugh and joke with her, and it was a completely new experience for him.

"The only question is whether it is warm enough.We're not in the secluded Willingden here, but on the coast, where the winter weather is pretty uncomfortable.”

Indignantly, Charlotte half turned to him and raised her hand as if to grab his arm. 

"Maybe you should visit Willingden first before you criticize our weather, Mr. Parker," she replied with fire in her eyes and suppressed a happy laugh without success. “You would surely be surprised at the amount of snow that will soon cover the fields.“

It was early November now and the snow was sure to come soon.

"There is snow here too, but before we get that far, we should get you a decent scarf."

Sidney looked demonstratively at her bare neck, the soft white skin under her ears, and then went deeper to the edge of her coat.The birthmark on her collarbone was nowhere to be seen, but he knew it was there and Charlotte blushed again under his intense gaze.

To tease him as much as he did her, she stretched her neck to show him more skin and as if challenging him to touch her.She continued with a devilish grin.

"As long as you can still swim undressed in the sea, Mr. Parker, I can go for a walk without a scarf."

He laughed, bit his lip so as not to blush at what she was sure thinking, and accidentally - or not - bumped his shoulder against her shoulder.

They both shuddered at the contact, everything in Charlotte flinched, and when she looked at him again she had to force herself not to stroke his wet hair.

"You haven't even dried your hair, your whole head will freeze in the cold air," she scolded, and Sidney felt completely warm.

It made him brave, it got darker and darker and he didn't want to leave her company under any circumstances, even if they should have gone back long ago.They had left Mary, Tom and the children behind, walked slowly and with the same step next to each other and Sidney carefully leaned closer to her.

"Perhaps you should come with me back then and do me the honor of sharing a cup of tea with me.Georgiana is certainly at home and would be happy to see you.”

The question was asked gently and quietly, the intent to take her home with him, and Charlotte's breathing quickened.

She was about to answer, to tell him how happy she would be when the call came from behind. 

"Charlotte."

"Miss Heywood." 

Confused and reluctant, she turned around, saw the same reaction from the corner of her eye on his face and immediately felt his whole body stiffen and he took a step back.

Georgiana and Mr. Stringer walked quickly towards the two of them, they had become kind of friends, about the affection for Charlotte and the dislike for Sidney.

"Charlotte, I've called a couple of times," said Georgiana, looking worriedly between her and Sidney.

"Forgive me, I didn't hear it," replied Charlotte, seemingly accidentally stepping closer to Sidney.She was annoyed by the interruption and wanted to be alone with him.

"Well met, Miss Heywood," Mr. Stringer smiled at her and just nodded in Mr. Parker's direction.

“A seamstress from London has arrived with the patterns for the interior of the theater.She wants to show them to Tom and Mr. Stringer, so we looked for you,” Georgiana explained, pointing to Mr. Stringer and herself. Then she grabbed Charlotte's arm and pulled on her."They asked me for my opinion and I thought you absolutely had to support us."

"Your knowledge would be of great value, Miss Heywood," said Mr. Stringer kindly, stepping aside so that they could move back toward town, but Charlotte stopped and turned.

Sidney stood stiff and expressionless in the same place. He would have looked menacing in the breaking dusk - tall, broad-shouldered and dark - if she hadn't known him better, but the muscle in his cheek, which twitched treacherously, betrayed his inner feelings.

He didn't move, just looked at her.

"Don't you come back with us, Mr. Parker?" She asked a little hoarsely, and Sidney's face twisted in a tight smile.

"Please excuse me, Miss Heywood," he almost whispered, barely able to control his voice."I will take a few more steps, but I hope you enjoy the samples."

Neither Georgiana nor Mr. Stringer paid any attention to him, Georgiana already spoke about the colors that would make the theater special and Charlotte could only nod to him before she was pulled away.

Sighing and with a sharp sting in his heart, Sidney watched her leave, he would never be able to bear to see her go away.He watched her go until they reached the dunes and the entrance to the town, then turned and kept walking on the beach until he was so frozen that a glass of whiskey sounded very tempting.

She would have said yes, he thought, slightly confused.She would have come to his home with him, where he surprisingly felt comfortable, and would have had tea with him.


	9. The night of a Ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mothersday to all Mums!  
> I hope you like this one...

With new ease that made her smile, Charlotte entered the salon of Trafalger House on the evening of the ball and was enthusiastically received by Mary.She wore the same dress as on her first ball in Sanditon, only she had a dark blue spencer embroidered by her sister Allison with long sleeves against the cold over it.

Her hair had been pinned up by Mary's maid, but not so strictly, but looser, because she didn't like the feel of the hairpins on her scalp.

She was nervous, her experience with balls was not the best, they had all not ended well.But she wondered if Sidney might dance with her, even if she had to assure Mr. Stringer of the first dance last night at Georgiana's urging.

Would he look at her again like he did yesterday?

Would he pull her to him like he did in London and not let her out of his dark, intense eyes? 

Mary greeted her, smiled at her, and said how lovely she looked.

"Thank you, Mary, you look really beautiful too." Charlotte blushed, took Mary's hand and admired her silk dress.

"Adorable, dear ones, you all look adorable," cried Tom and came out of the study.As always, he was dressed in bright colors and was in an excellent mood.

"Let's go, dear Mary, Charlotte, the carriage is waiting for us." Tom took his wife's arm and was about to leave the drawing room when Sidney appeared in the door frame.

At first, Charlotte couldn't think of anything else but how beautiful he was. Then she realized that he wasn't going to go to the Ball tonight.

He wore dark trousers and a black leather vest, no waistcoat, no hat, and he had several rolls of paper and architectural plans under his arm.

Disappointed, Charlotte looked at the floor, kneading the white fabric of her dress between her fingers, but when she looked up again she saw his admiring, appreciative look. But she also saw the dark shadow of a bruise on his cheek - she was really worried about him.

Sidney opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't get a word out. Of course he remembered her dress, remembered exactly how it had confused him at the time, how desperately he had tried not to get too close to her when they first danced, and how terribly he had behaved on the balcony afterwards.

He would love to tell her how beautiful she looked, how much he'd love to go with her, and how much he wished he could dance with her, but the decency required and his nerves did not allow it.

"Sidney, do you have all the papers you need?" Tom asked his brother, not noticing how the two stared at each other.

Sidney nodded absently, didn't look away from Charlotte, and startled when he felt Mary's hand on his arm.

She was not blind to the glances between the two, the sparks and the tension that existed between them, and was increasingly annoyed with her husband. She'd talked to him about it so many times, but he just didn't believe her

"It is so unfortunate that you cannot accompany us, my dear brother. I was hoping for it so much… ,” she said quietly, walking past him and pulling Tom with her.

Charlotte noticed that if she wanted to leave the room she would have to go right past him and stopped after a few steps.

"You won't be attending the ball, Mr. Parker?" She asked softly, with a slight tremor in her voice. The disappointment was audible and she didn't try to hide it.

With a sigh, Sidney gripped the plans in his hand and Charlotte noticed his cracked knuckles.

"Unfortunately not," he whispered regretfully and she saw the anger in his eyes."Since my brother and Mr. Stringer have commissioned the work for the Pogoda by themselfs and the workers will arrive here the day after tomorrow, I have to calculate the exact expenses and find a way to finance the whole thing."

His eyes were sad now, he saw the many questions on her face and just as he came up to her, Tom came back.

"Charlotte, we are waiting for you, Lady Denham is waiting for us, we should not disappoint her."

She winced, she would have preferred not to go at all, as much as she had been looking forward to the ball a few minutes ago, so much she had now lost her enthusiasm.

Sidney stepped aside, bowed to her and gave her one of his rare, brighter smiles.

"I wish you a wonderful evening, Miss Heywood."

She nodded to him, hoping that her disappointment was not too obvious, and followed Tom into the carriage.

The ballroom was as impressive as she remembered, she danced, laughed and had a friendly chat, but her heart and thoughts were with Sidney.

After a while she managed to sneak away and crawled onto her balcony, the balcony where she had been as close to pure happiness as she would ever come.

She would never be able to entrust her heart and hand to someone else, and she cried quietly in the seclusion of the balcony.

Why did he stay away from her when she sensed that his feelings hadn't changed?

On the edge of the ballroom she saw Tom and Mr. Stringer laughing, Georgiana was dancing with Arthur, everyone seemed happy, only Sidney and she didn't.

Determined, she wiped the tears from her face and decided not to give up easily.

She would find a way to speak to him, preferably tonight. 

—- ~ —- 

Angry, disappointed, and with the omnipresent pain in his heart, Sidney was sitting in his study, brooding over sheets of numbers that were fully written.His fingers ached, as did his eyes, and a while ago he had started drinking from frustration.

The thought that she would probably dance with anyone who asked her, most certainly with Mr. Stringer, made him almost sick, he tried to drive the pictures out of his head, and emptied his glass of whiskey again.

While walking yesterday, he had briefly considered whether he might get a second chance after all.

But the fear and shame of what he had done to her and how she could react to his approach held him back. 

With a snort, he swept Tom's plans for the pagoda from his desk. This town would drive him mad at some point, and again he cursed himself for not having gone to Antigua long ago.

The later it got, the more blurred his thoughts became and with a desperate sound he dropped his head to the table top and closed his eyes.

Sidney didn't hear the door that opened just before midnight. He did not hear Georgiana speaking to Charlotte as the two women entered the house.

"I still don't understand why you need the book tonight," said Georgiana, slightly confused as she took off her coat.

"I don't think I can sleep now after all the excitement, and I've always wanted to read Ovid's works," Charlotte replied, smiling pleadingly.

Georgiana had told her that Sidney had given her the book, but she no longer knew exactly where she had put it.

On the way home from the ball, Charlotte had asked for it, hoping to speak to Sidney for a few minutes.

So she had accompanied Georgiana to the small, beautiful house on the outskirts of the town, and as soon as they approached her heart was racing.

It was his home, he slept and lived here - the thought felt incredibly intimate.

"I have to find it first, would you like to come with me?" Asked Georgiana, raising her eyebrows.She wanted to prevent Charlotte from meeting her terrible guardian, so she didn't want to take her around the house.

"No, I'm just going to wait here in the chair and rest my aching feet," smiled Charlotte, sinking into an armchair by the front door

Her friend nodded and left, and Charlotte got up immediately.

She walked slowly down the hall, past a small, dark drawing room, a dining room, and her hope sank that she wouldn't be able to go upstairs to find Sidney, but then she saw the light of a candle from one of the back rooms.

It was his study, a cozy room full of papers, plans, and a large shelf full of books on the wall. The windows faced the sea, his smell was overpowering here, one of his cigars lay on a table in front of the fireplace, the fire was only glowing and slowly Charlotte entered the room lit by a few candles.

Sidney was sitting at his desk, his head resting on his arm on the wood of the table top, a half-empty whiskey bottle with an empty glass stood next to a stack of full written papers and he seemed to be asleep.

She went closer to him, couldn't stop herself, and looked at his face.

The fine lines seemed tense even in sleep, his forehead wrinkled, his lips slightly open, but his shoulders rose gently with his deep breaths.

The feelings that flooded Charlotte brought tears to her eyes, this beautiful, strong, and proud man was sleeping on his desk, probably drinking so much until he sank into the dark and couldn't even relax then.

Charlotte understood with absolute clarity that she loved him with all her heart and soul, that she had been doing it since her first meeting, and would do so for the rest of her life.

Hesitantly, she raised her hand and gently ran her fingertips across the deep crease on his forehead.

It was beautiful to touch him, slowly she stroked his skin and slid into his dark curls.The strands were soft and velvety, she was fascinated by the way his mouth twisted into a small smile for the briefest moment before he seemed to wake up.

His eyes opened, he was confused, at first didn't know what had woken him before he felt her gentle fingers in his hair.

Startled, he raised his head, straightened up and saw in horror that Charlotte was standing directly in front of him in her white dress.

Ashamed, he turned away, hid his face in his hands, and sighed in frustration. 

She couldn't see him like that, not like that. 

He was drunk, slept on a chair and had no tie or vest on. His shirt was open at the top, his sleeves rolled up and he was anything but presentable.

She was still standing in front of him, he could feel her closeness and growled desperately.

"You can't see me like that, what are you doing here?"

The alcohol in his head made him indistinct, he was even more ashamed and hit his table lightly with his fist.

"I don't want you to see me like this," he whispered in a choked voice."Not like that, not ...".

Charlotte smiled, took a step closer and reached into his hair again. He winced but did not withdraw.

"I know," she replied as quietly as he, gently caressing him as her skirts brushed his bare arm.

She was going to kill him, how should he pull away from her when her fingers felt so good in his hair? 

Charlotte carefully put a hand on his face, gently turned him over to her and their eyes met.

"Why are you doing this?" Charlotte asked quietly, her fingertips tenderly stroking his cheekbones.Sidney frowned, didn't know what she meant at first, then the bruise came back to him.

"To hurt me," he whispered honestly, her gentle fingers on his skin were incredibly soothing.

"You have to stop this!" The real concern in her voice was too much and overwhelmed him.

"Charlotte ...," Sidney whispered breathlessly and felt tears in his eyes. Her hand slid warmly onto his shoulder, he was unable to look her in the eyes any longer, he knew he could not hide anything from her and with a suppressed sob, he leaned his forehead against her stomach. 

It was completely inappropriate, but Sidney was unable to deal with it.

The soft fabric of her dress was cool under his skin, her small, thin body swayed almost under the weight of his head, and her smell was so strong now that it flooded his senses.

Taking a deep breath, he pressed his nose into her dress, inhaled her scent, and imagined the heat of her skin against his cheeks.

Completely overwhelmed by the feeling of his head on her stomach, Charlotte closed her eyes, her fingers firmly buried in the fine curls on the back of his head to prevent him from pulling back.

His hot breath penetrated the thin muslin fabric, wrapped around her belly button and made her whole body tingle.

The sound of her first name on his lips made her shiver, and she felt the tears behind her eyelids.

She gasped as his warm, big hands wrapped around her waist. He pulled her closer and took another deep breath. 

"Why didn't you come to me after you broke your engagement?"

The question had stung her soul since she had heard of his broken engagement, she had to know the answer, otherwise she would go crazy. The thought that his feelings for her just weren't enough hurt, but she had to know.

Sidney sobbed softly, had she been waiting for him?But his guilt was far too big.

He hesitantly raised his head, dropped his hands and met her eyes.

Surprised and tormented, Charlotte found that he was crying, his eyes shining with tears that were now slowly falling down his cheeks instead of the fabric of her dress. 

"What to do Charlotte?" He asked hoarsely."To ask forgiveness?"

He looked at her and breathed heavily before briefly closing his eyes.

"There is no forgiveness for what I did to you. All I've ever given you was pain and grief.” He swallowed hard, avoided her gaze again, and the sadness in his eyes broke her heart. "I have no right to ask you to trust or forgive me, and neither should you."

He tried to turn away, but Charlotte held him, forced him to keep looking at her, and leaned down a little.

"There is nothing to forgive," she said firmly, meaning every word of it. She had understood why he had done it, would never have allowed him to abandon his family, and knew from the start that it had hurt him as much as her.

Only in the darkest hours, when the pain overwhelmed her, had she been angry with him and then felt even worse, knowing what the engagement would cost him.

"Do you hear me? You hurt me, but also yourself. I saw it when you said goodbye and I see it now."

Charlotte gently embraced his face, saw how he understood what she was saying, and how his eyes lit up with a hint of hope. 

Sidney got up slowly, he was so close that her bodies touched, and Charlotte's fingers fell on his chest.

Again she felt his hands on her waist, he pulled her closer, his warmth surrounding her, while his eyes sank into hers.

Could it be that she still loved him?Sidney's heart was racing, the alcohol was completely gone and his eyes fell on her beautiful lips.

Would she allow him to kiss her?

He tilted his head hesitantly, he felt her breath on his face and ran a hand up her back.

She shivered, clawed her fingers into the fabric of his shirt, and brushed the bare skin of his neck with her knuckles. They both trembled at the contact, and a fire that Charlotte did not know began to consume her.

"Sidney ...".Her voice was barely a whisper, for the first time she called him by his first name and the sound of it made him gasp softly.

"Charlotte, I ...," his lips almost touched hers, but then a cutting voice came from the door.

"What are you doing, Sidney, let her go immediately." Georgiana came angrily into Sidney's study and pulled Charlotte away from him.

Charlotte could hardly stand upright, she swayed slightly, felt the loss of him and anger inside her.

Why on earth were they constantly interrupted?

"Forgive me," muttered Sidney, holding on to his desk, without her proximity and warmth he felt numb, his body ached with the loss, and he wanted to scream.

"You are drunk, are you crazy?Do you want to ruin her?” Georgiana stood between the two and glared at her guardian, who looked completely overwhelmed."You did enough to her, so stay away from her.If only she had never met you, why didn't you just marry the furie, you would have deserved it, God knows. "

With that she pushed Charlotte out of the room, did not give her the opportunity to say something or look at Sidney again and closed the door with a loud chant.

Exhausted, disappointed, and yet with a racing heart, Sidney sank back into the chair and stared straight ahead.

"I can speak for myself very well, Georgiana," said Charlotte hard when she finally found her voice again."I was looking for him, not him for me."

Georgiana shook her head angrily and pointed to the closed door behind her.

"You can't trust him, he's a tough, bad man who takes what he wants and has no feelings." She didn't understand Charlotte, how could she get involved with him again?

But she hadn't expected her friend's anger and was surprised.

"Have you ever looked at him once?" Exclaimed Charlotte passionately, clutching her dress."He suffers, just like I do, but that only affects him and me. Nobody else."

Exhausted and tired, she turned to the door, but turned back to Georgiana again.

"If he took what he wanted, why is he alone?If he has no feelings, why then does he suffer?” She asked quietly and looked at Georgiana intently."Did you ever ask him why he did what he did?Have you ever thought about who bears the cost of Tom's Sanditon after the pavilion burned down and ruined Tom?”

Charlotte opened the door to go and sadly stepped into the darkness of the night.

"Our friendship means a lot to me, but you have already influenced me for your purposes, and I will not allow it again." 

Georgiana watched Charlotte get into Tom's carriage that had been waiting outside and knew exactly what her friend was talking about.

The afternoon when Otis came to Sanditon and they convinced Charlotte that Sidney was a racist who made his money from slavery and kept them apart only because Otis was black. She felt guilty, ashamed to have hurt her friend's feelings so much, and decided to apologize to her.

When she approached Sidney's study, she found the room empty, the candles were out, and her guardian was nowhere to be seen.

He would probably walk along the beach und sit down at the cove again until morning, she thought sadly and sighed. 

Had she misjudged him after all? 


	10. Tom's interference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the interruptions, i just can't help it

He went to his bay and sat on one of the large stones.He stayed there until dawn, became sober in the fresh air and considered.

That she had come to him, that she had been looking for him, meant a lot to him. Holding her soft, warm body in his arms, her fingers in his hair, that was exactly what he longed for, it made him feel complete.

_There is nothing to forgive_

Sidney knew that was not true, he had made a terrible mistake, but would it be possible to make amends?

Maybe she would give him another chance, maybe - just maybe - she could forgive him.

But this time he had to do it right.He would court her, show her how much she meant to him and that she was the only thing he needed to live.

When the sun rose, he went home, bathed and shaved, and dressed as carefully as he could.She would be at breakfast now, he guessed, and maybe she would go for a walk with him afterwards.

"Are you sober again?"

Georgiana was just coming down the stairs when he put on his coat.Sidney sighed softly, but looked at her frankly.

"Yes, and I have to apologize."

She snorted, her behavior towards him was more than rude, and slowly enough.

"Georgiana, as little as you like it, I'm your guardian, we live together in this house, but if you don't like it, feel free to go back to Mrs. Gtiffiths.This is a concession on my part, and I don't expect you to thank me for it.All I ask is a little respect and kindness. "

She looked at him with angry eyes and came closer.

"A concession?" She hissed, but Sidney looked at her blankly.

"Yes, a concession.Your father wanted you to be educated as a distinguished lady, and that includes being with a governess.Since you were unhappy with Mrs. Griffiths, I took you in, where you have far more liberties. You should be happy to be here in Sanditon.”

Georgiana breathed heavily and stared at him. "Sanditon is terrible, it is boring ...".

Sidney interrupted her in a loud voice, he really had enough.

"After your last trip to London had enough excitement, I think you should be fine here."

Ashamed, Georgiana turned.

If he knew Otis was sending her letters again, he would probably explode.But even if she answered to this letters, she was a lot more reserved than last time.It was just hard for her to trust Otis again.

"You should leave Charlotte alone, she's too good for you," she said to change the subject.

Charlotte may have been right and Sidney suffered, but he had kept her from her own happiness by traveling her away from Otis at the time, and she could not forgive him.Maybe Otis would never have started playing if she could have married him?

Only a small part of Georgiana's brain said that she was acting unfairly and childishly, but she successfully suppressed it.

"Maybe ...," Sidney murmured, his eyes narrowed and he remembered how she had pressed his head against her stomach."But she has to decide that, nobody else."

With that he bowed slightly, left the house and hopefully made his way to Trafalger House.For the first time in months, he felt a real smile pull at the corners of his mouth and he shook his head over himself.

Charlotte's heart skipped a beat when she heard the front door close.

She had dreamed of him, of his closeness and smell, and had woken up with a warm feeling in her stomach.

Would he come to see her today?

"Sidney, good thing you're coming.I need to speak to you urgently. ”As always, Tom's loud voice greeted him before he even entered the room and Sidney sighed.

"Good morning," he said softly and met Charlotte's eyes with a smile. They looked at each other, alone in the room for a moment, until Tom took his arm and pulled him towards his study.

"Tom," Sidney growled, "I didn't come here for you."

"Please Tom, this is the first time in months that your brother is entering this house smiling," Mary scolded and stood up."Can you leave him alone with your work at least once?"

Mary was pleased to see the change in her brother-in-law, as well as the long looks between him and Charlotte.She hoped so much that the two of them could find each other again to finally be happy, but Tom had only his town in mind again.

"It is important, Mary, he also wanted to take on the financial responsibility, I didn't ask him to."

This problem would be between the brothers forever, so Sidney had no choice but to follow Tom.

After the first few sentences of his brother, he regretted coming to Trafalgar House at all, his blood started to boil and he couldn't keep his temper back.

"You want me to go to London?" He growled angrily, his voice cutting like steel."Now?Are you serious, Tom?"

The cold in his stomach made him pale, he couldn't leave her, not now.After so long he finally felt that there was hope in his life.

The nervous smile she had given him when he entered the drawing room made his heart skip a beat and the thought that she might have been waiting for him flooded his body with warmth.

Leaving now would mean hurting her again, and that was the last thing he wanted.

“You have to talk to the investors and go to the bank.The new workers are tomorrow and I have to order the materials.You need to lure some people over here to see the new construction site, Sidney, that's important.For Sanditon.” Tom spoke enthusiastically as always and Sidney wondered seriously if he could live with beating his eldest brother. 

Frustrated, he turned away, went to the window, and stared blankly outside.

He was so angry.

"If you hadn't commissioned the pagoda yourself and waited until the houses were finished, I wouldn't have to go to the bank like a beggar.How do you imagine how I should pay the whole thing?"

"You said that your ship entered the port.If you can sell the goods directly, then we can use it to pay the new workers and you can save yourself the trip to the bank.” Tom seemed enthusiastic about this plan and smiled brightly.

The fact that he didn't even ask if Sidney wanted to invest more of his own money made him furious and he turned angrily.

"It's my ship, my money," he called out loudly, his voice dark with anger."The only thing I still have, have you thought that maybe I don't want to invest it in your plans like everything else that was once mine?"

The thought had occurred to him tonight as he stared at the sea.

If he really dared to go to Charlotte's father and ask for her hand, he would at least have to show something for her safety.The first delivery of his home-grown coffee was the perfect opportunity, and now Tom was claiming the money for himself.

He would never be free of this town.

"You have no reason to yell at me, Sidney.All I'm asking is a few days in London to advance Sanditon's future. That's all."

Tom knew exactly how to speak to his brother. Without him he would be lost, even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, but Sidney loved his family and siblings and Tom knew that Sidney would not abandon him in the end. 

Charlotte sat frozen in the drawing room and closed her eyes.She knew Sidney was going to have to go.It was his duty, and even if she had once accused him of giving too little of himself, he gave everything for his family and friends.

It was something she loved about him, even if it hurt the most.

As much as she had hoped not to meet him when she got here, she could now hardly imagine how she could take it if he left Sanditon.

Mary saw the pain on her young friend's face and could hardly hold back her anger.

How could Tom do this to his brother?

They only heard Sidney's growling voice, but they both knew what he was going to say and Tom's cheering answer.

Then Sidney entered the drawing room hesitantly and with heavy steps. 

His eyes searched for Charlotte's eyes, but when she looked at him the pain and uncertainty on her face almost brought him to his knees.

For a moment he said nothing, just looked at her and Charlotte saw the same pain in his eyes that she felt inside.

She managed a small smile, which he returned sadly before he briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There were so many questions in Charlotte's head, but she couldn't ask any of them. Mary seemed to feel her need because she got up and went up to her brother-in-law.

"How long will you be gone, Sidney, my dear?"

Sidney cleared his throat before answering, but his voice was still harsh.

"A while. It will be difficult to sell the Violet's cargo in such a short time for a decent price, so I'll have to meet a few people. Also, I have no idea how to lure our investors to Sanditon, so I have to come up with something and I don't want to start with the bank.”

As he spoke, his eyes wandered from Mary to the floor and back again, but not to Charlotte.It was just too painful.

But he felt her eyes on him, straightened and finally looked at her.Their eyes immediately met and held each other.

"But you'll make it back by the end of the month?" asked Mary worriedly. Then December would begin, there was already snow in the air and she wanted to have all her loved ones at home at this special time.

"I don't know," Sidney said uncertainly, that would be a little over two weeks."But I will write."

Mary knew the words weren't meant for her.He spoke to Charlotte even though she hadn't said a word.Her heart ached for them, but she didn't give up hope.Charlotte would stay until Christmas, so there would be enough time.

"Be careful on the trip and come back as soon as you can," she said, reaching for her brother-in-law's arm.

He gave her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, gave her a quick hug, and then stepped back. "Thank you, Mary."

Slowly he turned to Charlotte, who hadn't said a word yet, bowed to her, but without taking his eyes off hers.

"Miss Heywood," he murmured softly and as gently and tenderly as Mary had never heard his voice before.

Charlotte gave him a small smile and whispered in a hoarse voice. 

"Mr.Parker. "

He smiled too, a real, loving smile that made Charlotte shiver because she felt as if he would stroke her with his eyes.

Then he went, left Trafalger House and the woman he loved one more time to go to London for his brother.

"How could you do that, Tom? "

Mary stunned at her husband, who absently read the newspaper.

"What to do, my dear?"

"You know exactly what.If you need money, go to London yourself.Why does Sidney always have to do everything for you, and right now."

Tom looked up blankly.

“He broke his engagement, which is why we have problems with the money in the first place.So he also has to find a solution."

"You want to build this town, not him, Tom," Mary called almost desperately, but Tom already got up to leave.

"I build this town for you, our children and our family. It is nothing more than his duty to help his family.” Without looking at the two women, Tom went into his study and left an angry Mary behind

"Would you like to go for a walk, my dear?I find it very suffocating here and would like to take a few steps.”

Charlotte looked gratefully at Mary and nodded.That would be a good idea, the fresh air would do her good, and she knew that if she were alone now she would not be able to hold back her tears.

A short time later, the two women walked arm in arm across the beach without speaking, but satisfied with each other's company.

And then there were still tears on Charlotte's cheeks when she saw a man dressed entirely in black riding a black horse at a fast pace over the cliffs away from the town.

“Oh dear, I'm so sorry.I'm sure he'll be back as soon as possible, please don't give up hope,” said Mary, hugging Charlotte like a mother her crying child, determined to make her friend's time until Sydney's return as pleasant as possible. 

Charlotte wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath.

He had said he hadn't come for Tom, so it could only mean that he wanted to see her.He had looked tired but looked a lot better, his eyes were a little brighter and she was sure that he would have gone for a walk with her.

She would wait for him to come back and not lose.


	11. Letters

During the long and cold ride to London, Sydney's thoughts whirled until he finally had a concrete plan.

He would use the time in London to organize something special for Charlotte to get things right this time.And he would write her as he promised.

When he had left Sanditon he had to get something out of his study, he knew she would understand the meaning of it.

Shortly after he reached Bedford Place, he sent a note to Babington and Crowe to visit him in the evening.There was a lot to talk about. Before going into Tom's problems and the cargo of his ship, however, he went to central London to get something important.

While watching his ship unload two days later, he vowed that this would be the last time he helped Tom in this way.Since he almost destroyed himself over ten years ago, he always felt guilty towards Tom.His brother had helped him back then, but if one looked at it closely, that debt had long since been paid.Tom reminded him of the guilt so that he couldn't forget it, but that would be over now.

He would give half of the coffee proceeds to Tom to pay the workers, the other half he would keep to build opportunities for a new life.

A life with Charlotte - if she wanted him.

The first letter arrived in Sanditon three days after he left.

Actually, it was rather a small package, which was surprisingly heavy when Mary handed it to her with a small smile after Charlotte came back from a walk with the children at the beach.

“That was in the post today, Charlotte. It is addressed to you,” she said, winking before turning to Alicia, who wanted to show her the shells she had collected.

Charlotte looked at the package, which surprisingly had no sender. She did not recognize the handwriting, but the way her name was written in neat, yet energetic and strong letters made her heart race.

She knew immediately that it was from Sidney, his handwriting exuded the same elegance and arrogance as his whole personality.

With red cheeks and a pounding heart, she ran upstairs to her room and sat on the windowsill to carefully loosen the paper so as not to destroy the written words.

It was a book - bound in black leather that had to be older and apparently was read a lot because the leather was already a bit worn in some places.

A solid paper card was under the book in the package and Charlotte picked it up with trembling fingers.

_It's my own, I devoured this book after my father gave it to me for my 16th birthday and I greatly appreciated it as a loyal companion during my time in Antigua._

_They are excerpts from the most important works by well-known philosophers, including Heraclitus and Ovid._

_It is yours if you want it;I hope it will give you the same plea_ sure _that always brought me reading.But I hope the memories that some places can cause don't hurt too much._

_As a kindred spirit, I would love to sit next to you in a quiet place to read the words with you._

_Yours,_ _Sidney_

Of course, she immediately understood what he was talking about. The Regatta, their conversation at the river before he asked her to get into the boat with him, the indescribable moments when they rowed together and the gruesome conversation later in the refreshment tent between Lady Susan, Mrs. Campion and herself.

She had been so hurt at the time about his words, which she did not understand, but that made London high society laugh.

Now she understood what he really wanted to say at that time, heat was gathering inside her and her heart was racing.

With trembling fingers she opened the valuable book, read the dedication of a father to his son on the first page and felt her own tears on her cheeks.

_Much learning does not teach understanding - but prove Heraclitus wrong and do your best_

This gift was the most valuable and significant she had ever received, and she vowed to honor it.

She carefully leafed through the pages, began to read and couldn't stop, the thought that he had touched these pages, read the words, made it so special and in the next few days you rarely see her without the little black book in her hands.

The second package came a few days later, it was larger than the first, she shared a bright smile with Mary when the servant handed it to her in the morning and then ran back to her room.

Again she opened the paper carefully, found an artistically painted box and opened it with tense breath.When she saw what was in it, she laughed loudly and happily, something that she had rarely done in the past year, but she couldn't hold it back.

In her hands she held a beautiful scarf made of thick, red wool that was so soft and warm that Charlotte could not tell what animal the wool could have come from.

The dark red color shimmered beautifully in the sun shining through her window and she knew that the color would match her dark hair and pink winter coat beautifully.

She had to smile when she thought about the walk with him when she felt like herself for the first time in a long time.

Again she found a card and read it with anticipation.

_Since I can smell the snow in the air even here in LondonI thought you could use the scarf. You will see that the air at the sea is colder than in your home. The color will make your eyes sparkle even more and your dark, wild curls will shine when blown away by the wind over the dark red._

_I look forward to seeing it._

_Yours,_ _S idney _

Charlotte read his words over and over again, his affection was palpable in every sentence and she couldn't wait until he came back. 

She would have liked to answer him, but she didn't even know where to send a letter and she was reluctant to ask Mary about it.

Just five days later, another package came, which she opened with her heart racing with anticipation as soon as she was sitting on the windowsill in her room.

They were gloves that matched the dark red scarf. They were just as soft and warm, and to Charlotte's surprise they fit perfectly.

Her fingers trembled as she unfolded the sheet of paper and read its beautiful, characteristic handwriting.

_A pair of gloves for your tiny little hands. I saw that the last time they were almost blue on the beach and since I'm not allowed to wrap my fingers around yours, to warm you with my hands you should put them in the warm wool._

_I hope you like them._

_Yours, Sidney_

With her heart aching with longing, she lay down on her bed and looked at the ceiling.

She knew she shouldn't be hoping too much since her situation hadn't really changed, but his gifts and letters made her happy.It felt like he was courting her.

It definitely made time easier until he came back.It's been two weeks now, and there's still no news of when he'll be back. 

Charlotte's days were filled with the children who asked for her attention, with long conversations with Mary, who did her soul good, and of course with Georgiana and James Stringer.

Georgiana had actually apologized to her.

"I'm sorry, Charlotte, I interfered too much in your affairs, I admit that, but despite what you said about Sidney, I can't understand what you see in him. There are so many good men here to whom you mean a lot and who haven't hurt you.”

Charlotte felt that it was more than that. Could it be that Georgiana projected her own uncertainty about Otis Moulinoux onto the sitiation between her and Sidney? It was something else entirely, and Charlotte couldn't stay silent.

"You don't want to see what I see because it's easier to blame him for certain things than others." When Georgiana tried to turn away, Charlotte stopped her. "I'm not blaming you, Geirgiana, that's something between you and your guardian. I've been between you two before and won't do it again. But please respect that my feelings for him are different from yours.” 

After this conversation, the two tried to avoid Sidney Parker completely.

As a result, the atmosphere between them was always slightly tense, mostly because Charlotte felt that Georgiana kept driving her into Mr. Stringer's company.

Again and again they met him by chance in the town or on the beach, and Georgiana usually said goodbye after a short time, so that only Charlotte and Mr. Stringer were left. 

"How long will you stay here, Miss?" Stringer was asking as they slowly walked back from the beach to town."I hope you find reasons to stay this time."

Charlotte looked at the ground, she liked Mr. Stringer, but the hints he kept making bothered her.

"I'll go home just before Christmas, Mr. Stringer," she replied honestly."I promised my little siblings to spend the holidays with them."

"Yes, of course," replied Stringer, looking briefly at her from the side. She looked very pretty, the red scarf she was wearing was a perfect match for her and he hoped he would get his chance now that Mr. Parker was back in London.

The man was a good businessman, the building site was a lot better organized, the workers were paid on time, and new plans were attributed to whoever made them, but Sidney Parker was personally a cruel, selfish, and awful man in Mr. Stringer's eyes. He had never understood what Charlotte had found in him, but it was over a year ago now, and although Mr. Parker had broken off his engagement, he hadn't reconnected to Charlotte. That gave him hope, so he was bolder than normal.

"I would like to visit you there after Christmas if I get your permission."

Mr. Stringer had stopped and when Charlotte turned hesitantly to face him, he took her hands in his.

"Mr.Stringer, of course you are always welcome to visit me, I have always enjoyed your company very much,” she started slowly, but today she knew more about love than the last time she was here, so she knew what his actions meant. Gently but firmly, she released her hands from his before continuing in a low voice."But I want to be honest with you. You have been a good friend to me, and I really appreciate that, but I don't want you to hope in vain for more.”

She could see his smile disappear from his face before turning away and slowly starting to follow the path again.

"I see, miss," said Mr. Stringer, and although it hurt, he was grateful for the clarity. He wouldn't want to lose her as a friend and had to try to forget his feelings for her.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stringer." Charlotte followed him hesitantly, looked at her hands and they walked in silence for a while.

Stringer looked at her again just before they reached the first houses.

"He's hurt you before, Miss Heywood.He is ... I don't think he is worthy of you, nor do I think he deserves your love. I've said it before and I'll say it again. He is a tough, cold man and I ask you to be careful."

Charlotte's expression changed immediately, she reached for the scarf that matched her gloves and stopped again.

"Thank you for your concern, Mr. Stringer. But I think you may not know Mr. Parker well enough to judge him.”

James sighed, knowing she would defend him.

"Of course, Miss," he said, bowing slightly."I will leave you now, I still have to look at the pagoda construction site for the workers."

Charlotte nodded and said goodbye politely, but secretly she was happy to escape the company.

She decided to walk a little further, because despite the light snowfall and the increasingly biting wind, she was comfortably warm.

—- ~ —-

"What do you mean, Arthur. An advent festival?"

Charlotte heard Tom Parker's voice from the study before she could take off her coat completely.

"It was all Sidney's idea, he wrote it to me." Arthur was sitting forward in a chair near the fireplace, across from him Mary was sitting with a smile on her face while Tom paced up and down."He organized everything, brother. It will take place down by the river, but the whole town will be decorated. We will hang lanterns everywhere, of course at a safe distance from the buildings, we will light several fires on the river bank, and fire bowls will swim on the river. Mr. Crow will build three pavilions, two will be makeshift gentleman clubs, one a salon for the ladies. Lord Babington has provided three horse-drawn sleighs, and they will take visitors around the town, just as Father used to do with us.”

Arthur sounded so excited that Charlotte shared a small smile with Mary when she sat down on the sofa next to her.

"There will be a few market stalls with fabrics, books and of course food, and there will be music on every corner."

"It's an incredible idea," Tom called enthusiastically and turned to his wife."Mary, did you hear?Sanditon will shine like a pearl."

"Sidney said he had seen something similar in Spain once and he thought it was something special for Advent," said Arthur, but looked at Charlotte.

"When will he be here himself?" asked Tom excitedly."He wrote that the market was supposed to be in four days, on the evening of the first Sunday of Advent, but he didn't write when he was leaving London?"

Charlotte could hardly breathe, she was so excited about the answer, but Arthur shook his head.

"I don't know, he wrote to me that he had something important to do and that he didn't know how long it would take, but of course he would be back on Sunday." 

Four days at most, Charlotte thought, four days before she finally saw him again. It wasn't the first time she wondered if he longed for her as much as she longed for him, but she doubted it.

Taking a deep breath, she kept telling herself not to hope, but it was difficult.

And then another letter came from him two days later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not Christmas at all, but as I said, I wrote this a while ago 😉


	12. A difficult conversation

Sidney was exhausted.

Every bone in his body hurt and he felt as if he hadn't slept in days.He had let his horse run at a calm pace some time ago, and after seeing the first houses ahead, he rode at walking pace.

The past two weeks had been exhausting, filled with conversations, business lunches, and countless letters and notes to realize his idea of an advent market. It would be the perfect opportunity and a nice setting to speak to Charlotte, and he imagined she would like it.

With Arthur, Lord Babington, and Crowe, it had been easy to organize the whole thing, even Esther had helped get the news out and Sidney thought it might be a success.Lady Susan had written to him that she unfortunately had other commitments, but that she would spread the news and wished good luck. He smiled at that and decided to show the letter to Charlotte.

He had left London this morning, but the weather was bad, it had snowed and was bitterly cold, so the trip took longer than it should.

But now he saw Willingden in front of him, rode across the bridge, and slowly approached the Heywoods' estate. It was already dawn, the light was burning in the handsome, surprisingly large house, but when he got down into the courtyard a young man came towards him.

"Good evening, sir.Can I help you?” The man should be in his early twenties, his face had the same curious expression as Charlotte's and he suspected it was her brother.

"Good evening," Sidney greeted kindly, his voice a little rough from the cold."My name is Sidney Parker, I would like to speak to Mr. Heywood."

"Father is already inside, it's horrible weather today," replied the young man, studying Sidney closely."I'm Marty, I'll take you to him."

"Glad to meet you, Marty, thank you," Sidney forced himself to smile and stroked his horse soothingly over the head."Would it be possible to get a warm blanket for my horse?"

Marty took a few steps to a wide door and called for someone, and a short time later a groom appeared."Would you please rub Mr. Parker's horse and cover it up, Timmy?"

After giving the reins to the stable boy, he followed Marty to the house.

He was terribly nervous, his heart was racing and he was afraid that his hands would tremble, but there was no way around it. So he straightened up, his shoulders tense and entered the house where Charlotte had grown up.

"Father, you have a guest," said Marty, as soon as they entered the drawing room.

The room was swarming with children gathering around an older girl by the fireplace. She looked different from Charlotte, narrower and less elegant, but her hair was just as dark. It had to be Allison, Sidney thought, before turning his attention to the man at the head of the table.

With his hat in hand, he bowed formally to Charlotte's father.

"Mr. Heywood,” he said with a rough voice, turning his head briefly to greet Charlotte's mother, who was sitting in a chair next to her husband and cradling the probably smallest of the Heywood children in her arms."Mrs.Heywood."

Sidney looked back at Mr. Heywood, who had stood up and looked at him with a curious but also skeptical look.

"Erm, ... my name is Sidney Parker, sir," Sidney started with a racing heart, heard a little gasp as he said his name and looked briefly in Allison's direction, which stared at him.Confused, he saw her cheeks flush before she looked at her brother, who was still standing next to Sidney, but then he turned away from her and seemed to continue calmly."I am Mr. Tom Parker's younger brother, whom you met with so much kindness last year and whom your daughter is currently visiting."

Mr. Heywood held out his hand, nodded, and greeted him kindly but with restraint.He wondered what an elegantly dressed but somehow somber looking man wanted here in the early evening and in this weather.

"Mr.Parker, welcome to Willingden, ”he said, also looked briefly at Allison, who had reacted so strangely to the man's name, and then looked at his wife, who was sitting up in her chair.

"Good evening, Mr. Parker.Is Charlotte doing well?Is everything alright in Sanditon?"

Sidney replied quickly that he hadn't wanted to worry the family.

"Yes, yes I think she is fine. I'm coming from London but I haven't heard anything to the contrary.” 

"From London, sir?" asked Mr. Heywood, raising his eyebrows the same way Charlotte did."It is a long way, and it will have been very difficult in this weather."

Sidney smiled slightly and looked out the window before nodding."Yes, I was hoping the weather would be better."

Mrs. Heywood sent one of her daughters into the kitchen for tea while Mr. Heywood asked Sidney to sit down.He took off his coat, which Marty took from him and hung near the fireplace so that he could dry, sat down and gratefully took a sip of the hot tea.He hoped the family would put the trembling of his hands on the cold in his bones, but he was so nervous that he just couldn't hide it.

The Heywood house was lively, the moment he was seated, he was assailed by several children with questions about Sanditon, Charlotte and also about London, which he patiently answered, glad to have the opportunity to calm down a little.

"What brings you here, Mr. Parker?"

Mr. Heywood had watched the exchange quietly, but he couldn't help but notice how tense and nervous Mr. Parker was, and it occurred to him that this man might have had something to do with his daughter's strange behavior since her return from Sanditon last fall.

He was not disappointed.

Sidney took a deep breath, straightened up more unconsciously, and his hands clenched.

"I'm here to talk to you about your daughter," Sidney replied softly, with a harsher undertone.

To tease him a little, Mr. Heywood looked around the room and raised his hands."I have several daughters, Mr. Parker, so you have to be more precise."

Sidney laughed in amazement at this comment, he already liked this family.

"I mean Miss Heywood, .... Miss Charlotte Heywood."

"You have met her since she was a guest with your brother again?" Allsion had got up and walked over to the table, she looked at him curiously and Sidney wondered what she knew about him.

Had Charlotte told her about him?

He nodded and had to clear his throat before answering.

"Yes, ... yes, I had the pleasure, but only briefly, because I had to go to London on business."

Allison raised her eyebrows but continued to speak, ignoring her mother's eyes.

"Then you live in London?"

Sidney felt like an interrogation, but these questions were nothing compared to what would surely come later, so he answered dutifully.

"No, I live with my ward, Miss Lambe, most of the time in Sanditon, but I have to travel to London more often for business reasons."

"So you're a businessman? Not a visionary like your brother?” Mr. Heywood interfered now and motioned for his daughter to be quiet.

Sidney turned back to him, nervous that he had not yet received an answer as to whether he could talk to him about Charlotte.

"I am far more involved in my brother's dreams and visions than I would like, but only in financial and business terms."

"You don't believe in Sanditon's success that your brother wants to build up?" asked Mrs. Heywood in surprise.

"Yes, indeed I do," Sidney hurried to say, then sighed softly."I'm just not as enthusiastic as Tom because I have a slightly different view of the possibilities than he does." 

Mr. Heywood seemed satisfied with his answer and stood up.

"Mr. Parker, you wanted to talk to me about something, so I suggest you follow me into my study.”

Sidney swallowed, then got up quickly and nodded.His hands reached for his hat, which he kneaded nervously before he noticed what he was doing and put it back on the chair he had just been sitting on.

"Thank you very much," he said, bowing slightly before stepping back to let Charlotte's father walk past him.

"Will you have dinner with us?" asked Mrs. Heywood, who had also got up, and Sidney was a little surprised by the question.

"I don't want to cause work, Mrs. Heywood.I saw an inn on the other side of the town and will stay there for the night.I'm sure I can get something to eat there too. ”

"Oh nonsense, it doesn't make a big difference to us whether there is another person sitting at the table or not." Charlotte's mother smiled at him kindly, and since he didn't know what to say, he simply nodded and then followed her husband out of the room.

"Sit down, Mr. Parker."

Mr. Heywood pointed to a comfortable looking chair in front of the fireplace and sat down across from him.He found it amusing how nervous the man was, it didn't match his elegant exterior and stern face."Would you like a drink?"

Without waiting for an answer, he poured two glasses of bourbon and gave Sidney one of which he accepted with thanks.However, he only sipped the drink cautiously, mainly to calm his nerves.

"So you want to talk about our Charlotte," said Mr. Heywood after taking a sip of the biting drink himself. "She never mentioned your name, but I suspect you have something to do with my daughter's melancholy last year." 

Sidney's heart sank.It was going to be more difficult than he expected.

He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes briefly, but he stubbornly ignored the sting at the thought that she had never spoken about him.

"I'm afraid," he said softly, exhaled with a shudder and stared at his glass.He straightened his shoulders as he began to speak - this was difficult for him since he was not a person who shared his feelings openly, but he wanted to be completely honest.

"When I met your daughter last summer, I wasn't very polite to her. She has confused me from the start, with her opinions, her assumptions and her big eyes. She challenged me, yelled at me, rightly and wrongly.”

He smiled briefly, probably remembering a special event, Mr. Heywood guessed, before watching Sidney's face turn tender and gentle.

"I resisted it, God knows, but she just dug through the walls that I had built around me.I am ... I fell in love with her."

Sidney looked up from his glass, noticed that Charlotte's father was watching him closely, and lowered his eyes with red cheeks.

"I wanted to offer my hand to her to ask if she would marry me," his voice was very quiet and the sadness on his face reminded Mr. Heywood of his daughter."And then the fire broke out, revealing my brother's total irresponsibility."

Reluctantly, he took a sip of bourbon and looked at Mr. Heywood.

"Please forgive my frank words, I love Tom, I do, but I'm not blind to his mistakes."

Mr. Heywood nodded, his impression of the man who had been with them over a year ago was that of a dreamer.

"Go ahead, Mr. Parker, I won't judge you prematurely."

Sidney took a deep breath, smiled his tight, half smile, and looked into the fire.

"He did not insure the work on the new buildings, the main investor at Sanditon was of course angry, wanted her money back and my brother and his family were on the brink of ruin. I couldn't stand by, Lady Denham wanted to see him in the debtor's prison, he has a wife and four children who would have lost everything, I ... it was impossible to do nothing.So I went to London, Lady Denham gave us a week, but even with my own fortune and my brother Arthur's money, it was impossible to cover the amount of Tom's debt in such a short time.”

When he saw Mr. Heywood's eyebrows rise as if considering how much it could be, he sighed and took another sip.

"It was 80 thousand pounds."

Charlotte's father gasped in horror and then drank himself.

“This is a sum that is hard to imagine.It is incomprehensible how your brother could be so irresponsible to his family."

Sidney nodded and was silent for a moment.The next part was the worst, but there was no choice. 

"You have to know, Mr. Heywood, that I was engaged as a young man. I was just the second born son at the time and only at the beginning of my business, and when ... when my former fiancée broke the engagement to marry an older and a lot wealthier man, I took a very bad path. Back then, Tom helped me, paid my debts, and gave me the choice of going to Sanditon with him or boarding a ship. I took the ship, was in Antigua for over 7 years and came back to London as a successful, wealthy businessman.”

He was nervous, could not sit still, and got up, but immediately sat down and emptied his glass.

“I never saw Mrs. Campion, as she is now called, since then until I happened to meet her just before the regatta organized by your daughter in London.She came to Sanditon at the invitation of my brother, she is now the richest widow in the country.I refused her request for a second chance on the evening of the regatta, but when I came to London she wrote to me."

Sidney got up again, went to the window, but then stood behind the chair where he had been sitting.

"I waited until the last day of the week, talked to every bank out there, thought about taking Tom's debt to go to debtor's prison for him, but the amount was too high, they would probably have locked us all up.There was no solution, I was desperate, so I went to her. ”

Sidney sighed, everything inside him still wincing as he thought back to the moment he had entered Eliza's house.

"Her offer was clear and straightforward. She would take over the debt and invest in Sanditon if I married her in return.” 

Mr. Heywood sigh, reached for the bottle on his desk and held it out to Sidney.

He sat down gratefully, had his glass refilled, and leaned back in the soft chair.The lump in his throat was big, but he forced himself to continue talking.

"I had no choice but to accept her offer."

Mr. Parker sounded resigned, infinitely sad, and exhausted, and Mr. Heywood could already guess how the story continued.He felt his daughter's pain and drank his glass himself to refill. 

Sidney's voice was darker as he continued to speak.

"When I told Charlotte I broke her heart, just like my own.I could see it in her eyes, the sadness, the pain.I hurt her."

The guilt took his breath away for a moment and he remained silent. He was aware that his story sounded more than bad and that his hope for a positive answer was hopeless.

But he had to try, he had to ask.

"Then are you married, Mr. Parker?" Asked Mr. Heywood in surprise.

Sidney shivered at the thought of it alone and shook his head.

"No.No, I ... I realized that I can't live like this. So I sold almost everything I owned, my plantations in Antigua, my ships, my warehouses, ... everything.It was enough, I was able to give Mrs. Campion her money back, i got a bank loan and with my brother Arthur I founded a holding company that used all of my other income to fund Sanditon and service the bank loans. The engagement was broken, the scandal was ... well, I survived, but my brother Tom was pretty angry with me."

Sidney laughed without humor, Tom probably didn't even know what he had given up for him.

"When was that?" Mr. Heywood leaned closer, confused and stunned.

Sidney rubbed his face, cleared his throat, he was really tired.

"That was in April, I left London in June and bought a small house for myself and my ward in Sanditon, but was about to travel to Antigua soon to visit the small coffee plantation still under construction, the only thing left to me." 

Mr. Heywood nodded, but his face was illegible.

"Mr.Heywood, I didn't know that Ch .... Miss Heywood would visit Sanditon. I didn't dare come here because how in the world could I have asked for forgiveness?I thought there was none and hoped she would just forget about me and be happy. ”

Sidney swallowed, desperately trying to hide his feelings, but failed miserably.His inside was open on his face.

"But then suddenly she was standing in front of me. She said there was nothing to forgive, and although I know that's not true, I know that I love your daughter and will always do so."

Sidney looked embarrassed at his hands, only now did he notice that they were trembling.

"Mr. Heywood, I am aware that I am far less than perfect and that you would want every man other than me at your door.I know I've made terrible mistakes, but I'm here asking for your permission to marry your daughter.” Sidney's voice broke and he swallowed hard to continue speaking.Every muscle in his body was tense, the glass in his hand cracked, he had closed his fingers around it so tightly, but he had to go on.

"I have to ask her ... if she wants to be my wife. I don't have much to offer her anymore, I just have to rebuild my business and I will probably be bound to Sanditon forever, but I ...,” he shrugged, not knowing what else to say and whispered the last three words quiet and suffocated."I love her."

Then he remained silent, waiting for Mr. Heywood's answer, and felt as if he was dying of nervousness, guilt, and shame.


	13. An answer

Mr. Heywood was silent for a while, thinking about what Mr. Parker had said, and watched the man in front of him closely.He stared into the fire, his whole posture tense, his face expressionless now, and Charlotte‘s father could see that the speech had cost him a lot.

"Mr. Parker, you come here and tell me how you got to know my daughter, how you fell in love with her, and that you promised her the prospect of marriage to you, so to speak,” he began firmly, leaning on his chair a little forward."Then you say that because of your brother's irresponsibility, please excuse my words, you were forced to reunite with your now rich, former fiancee and to engage yourself with her in order to save your brother from prison and his family from ruin. You talk about how you broke Charlotte's heart. But then you couldn't keep your promise to the other woman."

Mr. Parker's face grew tense, his muscles in his jaw began to twitch, but his eyes were dark with despair.

“So you sold your property and business to buy yourself free from the engagement, which sparked a scandal in London. You say you were hesitant to come here even though you love charlotte and that you still put all your income in your brother's dream, even though he is angry with you.”

"Mr. Heywood, I know what that sounds like, please ... " Sidney knew how Charlotte's father would answer his question. He wanted to get up to go so he wouldn't have to hear the answer, but Mr. Heywood didn't let him speak.

"Mr. Parker, you tell me that you are a good man who made an impossible decision for his family, hurting my daughter and himself, and then did everything to make amends. You say that you truly love her, and I know that although Charlotte has never mentioned your name, she has feelings for a man in Sanditon that go deeper than usual, and I dare to assume that you are this man.”

Now Sidney looked up, met Mr. Heywood's eyes, and waited for his judgment. He seemed calm on the outside, but his inside was in turmoil.

"And despite all of this, you sit here nervously like a school boy." Mr. Heywood smiled before continuing."You have my permission, of course, and should Charlotte give her consent, you both have my blessing to marry."

All strength seemed to leave Sidney's body, he sank into the chair, released a breath he didn't know he was holding, and couldn't stop his eyes from filling with tears.

Mr. Heywood stood up smiling, put his hand on his shoulder for a moment, and pressed lightly.

"Take a moment and then come for dinner. I would like to know more about your time in Antigua if you don't mind.”

Sidney nodded, but had to close his eyes because he knew he couldn't hide his feelings. 

"We will provide you with a room for the night, you look exhausted." Mr. Heywood left the young man alone in his study, smiled shaking his head, and shared a knowing look with his wife when he entered the salon again.

In a good mood, he sat down at his seat at the table, waited for the meal, and looked forward to talking about distant Antigua with his probably future son-in-law. 

Sidney sat there with his eyes closed for several minutes.

He tried to slow his heartbeat, but it was almost impossible. He knew, of course, that he was nowhere near where he wanted to be, but the approval of Charlotte's father meant more to him than anything else.

Shivering, he took a deep breath, opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling, and then allowed himself to smile for a moment.

Before he went back to the salon to join the Heywood family again, he poured himself another sip of bourbon and drank it all at once.

Then he went to join the lively, warm, and hearty affair of a Heywood dinner.

"You came with a horse, right sir?"

The little girl that sat further down on the other side of the big table looked at him with huge eyes and Sidney smiled.

"Yes quite right. Did you see it?” He asked calmly, leaning down instinctively so as not to be so tall.

She nodded excitedly so that her blonde curls flew around her face. "It's as dark as you are."

Allison, who was sitting next to the girl, scolded her, but Sidney shook his head.

"No, not. She is right. It's completely black.” With a smile, he turned back to the girl who was now looking at the table."What's your name?" He asked softly, strangely enough, children had this effect on him.

She looked up again and looked a little defiant."Kate."

"So Kate, would you like to have a lap on his back tomorrow?"

Kate beamed at him and Sidney looked at her father."Of course only if your father allows it. But I could take you round the yard.”

The other children immediately shouted, "Me too, me too," and started begging their parents.

Mr. Heywood nodded, which made the children cheer.

"Of course if Mr. Parker doesn't bother?"

One of the older boys got up to draw attention and Sidney looked at him.

“We wanted to go to the river tomorrow afternoon to fish. Would you like to come with us, Mr. Parker?"

Overwhelmed by the interest of Charlotte's siblings, Sidney swallowed, then nodded.

"I have two days, then I have to be in Sanditon. Until then I am at your disposal."

He laughed when the children immediately started discussing what they wanted to show him, and Mr. Heywood, who was sitting next to him, gave him an apologetic look.

"We don't get frequent visits from men as elegant and impressive as you are, so you have to apologize."

Sidney snorted, felt uncomfortable to be called that, but shook his head.

"Don't worry, I would be happy to spend time with Charlotte's siblings, even though I'm afraid I won't be able to remember all the names immediately."

This time he didn't improve her name, he felt so close to her here.

The room that Mrs. Heywood and Allison had prepared for him was small, cozy, and warm, Sidney was so exhausted that he fell asleep as soon as he touched the pillow, and his dreams were full of Charlotte.

For the next two days, Sidney was more relaxed than ever.

He had all the Heywood children ride his horse, went fishing, helped Marty and his younger brother Will repair a fence that had been knocked over by the snow, and had a long and pleasant chat with Mr. Heywood.He took long walks on the snow-covered paths around the village and explored Willingden.

On the first of these tours, behind the Heywoods' yard, he found a few white flowers under a large tree, their heads stretching towards the sun through the thin layer of snow.

They reminded him of Charlotte, curious, fearless, and beautiful, and since there were really many growing there, he carefully picked out a handful. 

The house was surprisingly quiet when he entered the drawing room, so he sat down at the table after getting something out of his room.

It was another of his books, the most valuable he owned, though it was a small, worn-out version of Hamlet.But it had been one of his mother's last gifts to him, the inscription on the first page had faded slightly from the frequent reading, and he had taken it with impulse from his room at Bedford Place. 

Now he cautiously placed the flowers, dabbed dry with his handkerchief, between the sides when Allison's voice startled him.

"What are you doing, Mr. Parker?" She asked in surprise, apparently she had been watching him for a while.

"Miss Allison," said Sidney, but didn't stop what he was doing. "I found these flowers under the tree behind the house and ... well, they reminded me of your sister."

He looked up briefly and smiled as Allison looked skeptically across the table.

"Why are you putting them between the pages?" She asked confused.She didn't understand what he was doing.

"To press them so they don't break," Sidney said, frowning that he would have thought that was obvious.

"Yes, I understand, but why?" Allison replied with a slight impatience in her voice that made him laugh softly.

"I'd like to send them to Miss Heywood, your sister, if you gave me a sheet of paper and a pen." With a gentle smile, he placed the last flower between the pages and looked up.

Allison looked at him intrigued, she probably wouldn't have expected something like that from him.

Sighing, Sidney leaned back and raised his eyebrows.

"You recognized my name when I introduced myself yesterday, didn't you?"

She blushed, hesitated briefly, and then sat across from him in a chair.

"Charlotte mentioned you in her first letters every now and then, and it was all about how rude you were and how angry you made her."

Sidney laughed with a snort, he should have expected that. As Allison spoke further, he felt the familiar prick in his heart and, ashamed, turned his gaze to the table.

“When she got home it took a while to tell me a little bit, and then only because she woke up crying at night.She said that she lost her heart to you, but that you had other commitments and therefore it was just the way it was."

Allison noticed a muscle twitch in his cheek and wondered if his teeth wouldn't hurt if he bit them so hard.

He didn't answer, staring blankly at the book in front of him and she got up to bring him pen and paper.

When he nodded gratefully, she smiled at him before leaving.

"She'll know you were here.She loves these flowers, picked one every winter and put it on her bedside table.”

With slightly trembling fingers, Sidney took the sheet of paper, thought for a moment, and began to write a short note.

_Dearest Charlotte,_

_I saw these flowers and immediately thought of you.They seem to be just as brave and fearless as you, as they grow through the cold snow to reach the sun's rays.In any case, they are as beautiful as you are._

_The book means a lot to me, it belonged to my mother and she gave it to me before she died._

_I ask you to take care of it and keep it for me until I am back in Sanditon._

_I long to be near you again and hope you give me a smile when I come back._

_Forever yours, Sidney_

—- ~ —- 

Charlotte's heart skipped a few beats before it started all over again.

It was the first time that he addressed her directly in his letter, and the words made her almost dizzy.

_Dearest Charlotte ......_

He longed to be near her.

Oh lord, what happened to her?She had no idea what it was, but her whole body seemed to tingle and hurt strangely.

To distract herself from it, she picked up the book and wondered what flowers he was talking about. There were no flowers in the package.

But then, when she turned the book in her hands, the pages easily opened and many white, pressed flowers fell into her lap.

She gasped and looked down.

How could that be?He wasn't ..., was he?But no, it would be impossible ... 

Charlotte didn't know what to think. These flowers grew behind the house at home in Willingden. But why should Sidney be there?

Smiling, she collected the flowers, she always loved them. Carefully she tied them up into a small bouquet and placed them on her bedside table.

Lost in thoughts, she stroked one of the white petals, trembling, knowing that Sidney was the last to touch them.

The little black book was still on her bed, and when she picked it up, she ran her index finger in awe over the worn leather.

The thought that it had belonged to Sidney's mother made her heart race, it was great proof of his trust in her that he had sent it to her. It was the first time he ever mentioned his mother, and it meant a lot to her.

She opened it carefully and gasped when she saw the inscription on the first page.The ink was a little faded, it must have been written a long time ago: 

_\- Courage is knowing what not to fear -_

_Don't be afraid of love - you will find her, my dear Sidney, and if you have her, don't let go of her again!_

_Mommy_

The quote was from Plato, and the sentence his mother had written for him brought Charlotte tears to her eyes.

For the rest of the day she sat in her room on the windowsill reading Hamlet.

Tomorrow would be the market, so he has to come back tomorrow.She couldn't wait to see him again.


	14. Advent festival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you enjoy this!
> 
> I love all of your comments, thank you

Finally the time had come, one carriage after the other came to Sanditon in the morning of the market day, it felt as if all of London was here, which made Tom go crazy.He ran around the house excitedly all day, annoying the workers who had hung a lot of lanterns the previous day and still did the rest of the work today. Mr. Crowe finally threw him out of one of his pavilions, which were already fully furnished, as he pestered him with questions until Lord Babington finally took care of him.

He assured him that everything was ready, but he had no answer to Tom's panicked question of where Sidney was.

“He will surely be here in time, people are in good hands in Crowe's pavilions, the fires are burning, the sledges are going on and everyone knows what he has to do. So calm down and enjoy the day."

When it was afternoon Charlotte and Mary and Georgiana also went to the river bank where the pavilions stood.The whole town was lit by lanterns that were just lit, there was laughter and bargaining at the market stalls, the big fires that were lit in stone rings gave surprising warmth and the fire bowls floated on the river.

It was incredibly romantic, and the darker it got, the nicer it was.

"Miss Heywood, I've been waiting for your call for weeks, but to no avail. Don't you think it would have been polite?"

Charlotte winced when she heard Lady Denham's voice behind her.Mary had hooked her in and the two turned to see the old lady with Lady Babington behind her.

"It's nice to see you again," Esther smiled and reached for Charlotte's hands. “We came from London yesterday, the trip was very exhaustive, but I have to say it was very worth it. It is wonderful here."

It wasn't very obvious yet, but the sparkle in Esther's eyes and the hand on her stomach told enough.

"Oh Esther, I'm so happy for you and Lord Babington," Charlotte laughed, hugging the once severe and dismissive woman. "And yes, it's really beautiful here."

Mary also congratulated on Esther's pregnancy, they were about to talk about the symptoms in the first months when Lady Denhams interrupted them.

"I haven't heard anything else since yesterday, please Esther." She rolled her eyes and then fixed herself on Charlotte. "I never thought I would still see yourself unmarried. What are you doing here since the last time you discovered that there is no rich husband for you here. You should look elsewhere."

Charlotte straightened her shoulders and stubbornly looked back at Lady Denham.

“I visit dear friends, Lady Denham.I also said it already, the man who owns my heart could be poor like a mouse, and I would still marry him if he wanted me.” 

Mary and Esther suppressed a laugh and Charlotte blushed.When would she stop being provoked so much that she no longer paid attention to what she said?

Lady Denham just nodded, seemingly satisfied, and Charlotte wondered what it meant. But Esther stepped in and released the tension.

"Please aunt, leave Charlotte alone. Let's just enjoy the great market and see if we can find my husband to accompany us on a sleigh ride.”

Esther winked at Charlotte, squeezed her hand and and led Lady Denham away to one of the tents.

Mary shook her head."She'll always be a beast, but I don't think she means bad."

Charlotte nodded and saw Tom waving at them and Georgiana who had gone ahead to talk to Arthur.She looked around attentively, but did not see the face after she longed.

Tom greeted them all effusively as always, they were now close to one of the fires that made Charlotte's red scarf and gloves glow.It was getting darker and darker, Tom had brought them hot chocolate from one of the market stalls, something that was new in London and tasted incredibly sweet.

Charlotte took a cautious sip and then noticed that someone was looking at her.

Her heart immediately started racing, she raised her eyes and sought his gaze.

The trip from Willingden to Sanditon had been arduous and long since the paths were very bad in between.It had taken Sidney longer than he wanted, but he had also left later than expected because, surprisingly, the Heywood children didn't want to let him go.

Since it was already afternoon when he reached sanditon, he had gone straight to the river bank, speaking to every market owner, to the workers who kept the fires and candles burning, and finally to Crowe and Babington. He had been looking for her the whole time, but only now, when dusk was falling and he and his two closest friends were standing in front of one of the Gentelman Club pavillions, did he see her.

She was wearing her pink coat, and he saw white muslin underneath, but what he immediately noticed was the red scarf and the red gloves. Her curls, which stuck out from under her bonnet, blew over the red wool and it looked just as beautiful as he had imagined.

Unable to take his eyes off her, he stopped listening to what his friends were saying, just looked at her, and registered the very moment when she seemed to notice him.

She paused, looked up from the cup she had just been drinking from, and looked straight in his direction.

Their eyes met, there seemed to be none other than the two, and Sidney saw Charlotte's face twist with a beautiful smile.

She smiled at him as he wished, as he had written to her, and Sidney couldn't help but smile back.

Beside him, Babington and Crowe looked at each other in confusion until they followed his gaze and saw Miss Heywood. Crowe rolled his eyes in mock despair as Babington watched Sidney.

For the first time in months he saw his friend's eyes shine again, to be honest he had last seen it at Middsommerball over a year ago and he really prayed that no disaster would happen this time. 

Without a word or a greeting to his friends, Sidney slowly walked in Charlotte's direction. When he got closer, she turned completely to him, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shone.

She was beautiful, and if she had been alone, it would be the first thing he would say.

But of course Tom saw him walking towards the group and immediately started speaking without realizing that Sidney wasn't listening to him at all.

"Miss Heywood, nice to see you again," he said softly as he bowed slightly to her.

Charlotte's cheeks glowed even more when she nodded in agreement and didn't leave his eyes.

"Mr. Parker,” she breathed shyly, but with a small smile."I hope you had a pleasant journey?We expected you earlier.”

"Not really, it turned out that the snow is much higher inland than here on the coast," he said, grinning as Charlotte's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.

"London isn't exactly inland, Mr. Parker." Had he been to Willingden after all?

Charlotte was so confused, but in an exciting way, and she would have liked to be alone with him.

Because now Mary greeted him with a hug and Sidney turned to Georgiana to greet her too and ask about her well-being. His voice was a lot cooler to her than he had just spoken to Charlotte, and the smile on Mary's face showed that she noticed.

"Sidney, are you listening to me at all?" Tom seemed annoyed, but his brother ignored him. 

"Have you gone on a sleigh ride yet, Miss Heywood?" He asked, turning back to Charlotte.His cheeks were also flushed with cold, he was completely dressed in black, even his leather gloves were dark, the coat he was wearing was tight around his broad upper body and had a velvet collar and coat cuffs.He looked incredibly handsome, his cheeks were covered with thick stubble and made him look slightly rough, which only caused Charlott's stomach to twist.

"No, not yet. We are just waiting for one to become available."

Sidney looked around, saw Arthur emerge with the sleigh at the edge of the forest, and pointed in his direction.

"Come on Charlotte, Arthur is back," Georgiana called and ran to reserve their seats. Mary followed, but didn't miss the way Sidney offered his arm to Charlotte.

With a racing heart, Charlotte wrapped her hand around his elbow, felt Sidney pulled her tight and slowly they walked towards the waiting sleigh.

“The route that Arthur and I chose is beautiful. When you are on the other side of town, you should see the lights and the illuminated river.” Sidney spoke softly, his voice warm and velvety and he felt Charlotte's fingers tighten around his arm.

"Are you coming with us, Mr. Parker?" Charlotte didn't want to break away from him, although it would probably be uncomfortable with Georgiana and Mary.

"No, unfortunately not. I'm afraid Tom will burst if I ignore him any longer, but I'll wait here when you come back."

They looked at each other while walking, the tension between them almost palpable. Then they had reached the sledge and Georgiana scolded impatiently why it had taken so long.

Without reacting, Sidney held out his hand to Charlotte to help her up and she took it with a thankful smile.They held on a little longer than necessary, then Sidney stepped back.

"Be careful, Arthur. Enjoy the ride,” he said, nodded to the others, then set the horses in motion.

Sidney watched her until he heard Tom call his name again and he turned with a sigh.

"I met Mr. Stringer this morning, he said he would also like to go on a tour with you," said Georgiana, looking sharply at Charlotte. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Georgiana please. It would hardly be appropriate if I went alone with a man, and I also told Mr. Stringer very clearly what our friendship meant to me, but that he couldn't hope for more. You should accept that, Georgiana."

Annoyed, Georgiana turned to Mary, which gave Charlotte the opportunity to admire the view. To feel the wind in her hair, she took off her bonnet, let her curls blow in the wind and looked around.

As Sidney had said, she saw lights everywhere, the river shimmered, and she could even hear the soft music.It was almost magical and she wished she could be here with Sidney. 

Georgiana ignored her throughout the trip, Mary told how Tom used to do this lap with her and the kids, and Arthur told about the trips with his parents.

When they stopped at the edge of the forest over the river again, Charlotte's heart skipped a few beats.

As he had promised, Sidney was waiting for her.

He spoke briefly to Arthur, helped Georgiana, who looked at him reluctantly and trudged away, then Mary, who hugged him again, and then stepped closer to the sled when Charlotte got up from her seat, her bonnet in one hand, her hair in wild curls around her head. 

"May I help you, Miss Heywood?"

Why was his voice so rough and dark?Charlotte wondered because it always shivered down her spine.

She swallowed and nodded, holding out her hand, but he was right in front of the running board so she couldn't get out.

With a look that went straight to her soul, Sidney ignored her hand, raised both arms and put his hands on her waist. Charlotte breathed shuddering, feeling his warmth despite the many layers of clothing she was wearing, he pulled her closer and she instinctively raised her hands to put them on his shoulders.

Their faces were so close that their clouds of breath mingled, their eyes were locked, and they both breathed heavily.

Sidney picked her up, seemingly effortlessly, lifted her out of the sled and held her close.

He let her slide infinitely slowly down his body, Charlotte's fingers gripped his neck, but she was unable to look away from him.

They didn't move when Charlotte felt the ground under her feet again, nobody wanted to let go of the other and she noticed how Sidney's eyes fell briefly on her lips.

Then they heard the laughter of the people around them and stepped back with red cheeks to clear the sled for other visitors.

Charlotte looked shyly at the ground, she missed Sidney's hands on her and swayed slightly after he released her. 

"Would you like to take a few steps with me, Miss Heywood?"

She smiled when she looked up at him and came closer.

"That would be very nice, Mr. Parker."

They walked silently along the edge of the forest, away from the laughing crowds towards the river bank.Sidney would have liked to take her to a completely remote place, but if someone found them there, Charlotte's reputation would be in jeopardy.So they moved to a place covered by an old willow tree, but still within earshot of the others.

They stopped close together and looked at the water for a moment. 

Sydney's heart was racing in his chest as he slowly turned to face her. Smiling gently, he reached for the thick scarf around her neck.

"I hope you are warm enough? It's pretty cold tonight ... ,” he whispered, rubbing the wool between his fingers.

"Yes thank you. The scarf and gloves are beautiful, and so incredibly soft,” Charlotte enthused, reaching for Sidney's bare fingers since he had removed his gloves.She had only wanted to show him how warm the wool was, but when their fingers met, her breathing stopped and she looked him in the eyes.

"Thank you for your letters and the books, I took good care of them," she said slightly shyly, which softened Sidney's bones. 

"May I ask ...," she hesitated, but then continued. "Where did you find the flowers? They are beautiful."

Sidney grinned and cocked his head to one side. "Oh, I found them under a tree. They just grew through the snow there."

He saw Charlotte's insecurity and wanted to redeem her, so he said softly.

"Your family is great, your siblings showed me the whole village, they ... they are really great."

Charlotte looked at him with wide eyes."So you really were in Willingden?" She asked in surprise.

Could it mean what she thought it meant? 

Sidney took a deep breath, stepped closer to Charlotte, and put her hand, still holding his, on his chest.

"Charlotte ...," he whispered hoarsely, swallowed, and tried to continue speaking."I didn't expect to have another chance like this, but ... you're here, and that gives me hope that you can forgive me.I will never forgive myself for how much I hurt you, but I would do anything to show you what you mean to me.”

Charlotte shivered when she felt his hand on her waist again. She dropped her bonnet, closed her fist around his coat in his back, and came closer. His body was now pressed flat against hers, their hands clamped between them and they both felt that they could each feel the other's racing heartbeat.

“Since I saw you for the first time, you have fascinated me, attracted me like a moth to the light and since then I have been completely under your power. You are everything to me, Charlotte, without you, I can hardly breathe."

Sidney's voice trembled, Charlotte's face was so close to him, he felt her warmth, her hands and knew that he was slowly losing control.For a brief moment, his eyes slid to her lips, they were slightly open, red and inviting, and he would have loved to touch them.

When he looked up again he noticed that she was doing the same, she was looking at his lips.He couldn't hold back the words he wanted to tell her a long time ago and bowed his head slightly, just a little.

"I love you, Charlotte ...," he whispered in a voice so dark that Charlotte gasped softly and pulled harder on his coat."I love you ...".

She had never seen his eyes like this before, they were almost black in the flickering light, his eyelids fluttered as he leaned closer and Charlotte closed her eyes.She was trembling with anticipation and could not stop the soft whimper when she finally felt his warm, soft lips on hers again.

Lost in her sweet mouth, the irresistible sound she made, Sidney gently moved his lips over hers, caressed her softly, and nibbed lightly.

The feeling was so indescribably beautiful, his arm tightened around her tiny body and when she returned his movements with pure longing, he growled deep in his chest, pulled his hand out between them and shoved his fingers into her hair.

He carefully tilted her head a little to the side, opened his mouth and gently slid his tongue over her lips.

Only slightly, he didn't want to scare her, but he couldn't hold back either.

At the unexpected touch of his tongue, Charlotte whimpered again, remembering that she had felt the tip of his tongue too when they first kissed so long ago, but this time she was brave enough to open her mouth to him.

Sidney's soft moan made her body hurt in an odd way, his tongue dipped cautiously into her mouth and gently searched for hers. Overwhelmed by the feeling, Charlotte rose to her tiptoes, shyly touched his tongue, and both lost themselves in a passionate, deep kiss. 

—- ~ —- 

At the edge of the forest, Lord and Lady Babington stood with Mr. Crowe and watched them. They had just returned from a sleigh ride the married couple had forced Mr. Crowe to attend when they saw Sidney and Charlotte standing half-hidden by a riverside pasture.

Esther had grabbed her husband's arm excitedly as Sidney pulled Charlotte closer.

"Oh darling, do you think he'll finally do it and ask her?"

Babington just grinned while Crowe groaned in frustration.

"Just wait and watch."

When they kissed, Esther sighed enthusiastically, that she had softened quite a bit during her marriage, but she knew the question hadn't been asked yet.

And then they heard the voices, Crowe actually took a step forward as if he wanted to stop the group, but of course to no avail.

"Oh damn it.Sometimes I would prefer to lock Tom Parker somewhere,” growled Crowe and the three had to watch helplessly as Charlotte and Sidney broke apart.


	15. An important proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next one ...

Sidney heard his brother's voice and reluctantly pulled away from Charlotte's mouth.They looked at each other, breathing heavily, but the voices came closer, now she heard them too and Sidney hastily took a big step back. Before Charlotte turned to the river, she saw the sheer rage on Sydney's face, but she knew that he wasn't angry with her, but with his brother, who interrupted them again.

"Ah Charlotte," Tom Parker said cheerfully and came up to them with a beaming smile."I've been looking for you."

Confused, Charlotte turned to find that the disappointment was even greater if she herself was the reason for the interruption.

“Mary and Georgiana are waiting, I promised you to buy the sweet marzipan. May I kidnap you?” Tom didn't even wait for an answer, but held out his arm and simply pulled her away from Sidney, who could only stare at him angrily. Then he saw Mr. Stringer and Mr. Robinson looking at him and sighed deeply.

To avoid conversation, he turned and headed for one of the Gentelman Club pavilions, where he met Babington and Crow, who were apparently waiting for him.

The disappointment burned in his stomach, again he hadn't been able to say what he wanted to say, because Tom got in his way.

"I swear if it weren't absolutely dishonorable I would hit him so hard that he couldn't get up for at least a week."

Babington laughed at his words, but nodded sympathetically.

"I would help you, but since we're gentlemen, I'd rather invite you for a drink," Crow said, as usual, drunk and pulled him into the dark room.

Sidney looked over his shoulder, spotted Charlotte at one of the stands surrounded by Georgiana, Mrs. Griffith, Tom, and Mary, she laughed, but he noticed how she looked around.

He decided to take a quick drink and then look for her to finally ask the question he should have asked over a year ago.

The short drink became two when Babington quickly pulled aside.

"Sidney, you're the first to tell, but I want you to hear it from me," Babington started with a happy grin, even if he was a little nervous.He had been so lucky himself when Sidney tormented himself so much, but he didn't want him to find out from someone else.When Sidney looked at him curiously, he smiled broadly."I'm going to be a father, Sidney, and I want you to be a godfather."

Sidney just looked at him for a moment, then laughed and hugged Babington tightly. "I congratulate, Georg, I'm very happy for you," he said sincerely. "I am honored and will be ready."

They looked for a new whiskey and clinked glasses, while Sidney hoped to be as lucky as Babington himself.

—- ~ —-

"Doesn't that taste unbelievable, Charlotte?" Georgiana was completely ecstatic, Tom and Mary had also tried the sweet, sticky mass, only Charlotte couldn't find anything special about the highly advertised marzipan.

The only thing she tasted was Sidney, whose lips she could still feel on hers, whose tongue ....

God, she was hot and cold all of a sudden, her body ached for him and all she wanted was to be alone with him again.But here she stood, among her laughing friends, feeling completely lost. What had he done to her? 

He had said that he loves her.

Just the thought of those words made her cheeks flush, but she hadn't had time to say it back.

She looked around searching, but couldn't see him anywhere. Where had he gone?

She hoped he would find her again soon, maybe he could escort her back to Trafalger House and then they could finally talk to each other again. 

"Charlotte?You don't listen at all.” Georgiana was really exhausting at times, and Charlotte forced herself to focus on her.

"Of course. It tastes pretty sweet,” she said with a smile, but was told by Tom that it was absolutely special.

"It's terribly cold here in this country," wailed Georgiana, who couldn't do anything with the winter in England.

"You're right, my dear," said Mary, looking anxiously towards the fires, where the mood gradually became more exuberan. "I think we should go back. It's slowly too late for you young ladies to be out here.”

Mrs. Griffins agreed immediately, believing that a social gathering should not take place outdoors in the evening.

Charlotte panicked that she would have no way to stay here longer.She could hardly say that she wanted to wait for Sidney.

"I'd like to stay here a little longer, it looks so beautiful," she said carefully, but Tom was entirely on his wife's side. Charlotte suspected that he was happy when he was rid of responsibility for her, after all, she was a guest in his house.

"Mary is absolutely right, it is already very late, I will accompany you back."

And so he stepped forward, and Charlotte had no choice but to follow the other women.

The disappointment hit her deeply, she would have loved to look at the lights and the fire bowls on the river longer, especially in Sidney's company. 

—- ~ —- 

After just another glass of Whiskey and a few business talks, Sidney headed for the pavilion exit.

Babington was standing at the entrance, waiting for him and ready to accompany his pretty wife home.He put a hand on his friend's shoulder as they stepped into the cool winter air and smiled warmly at him.

"Good luck my friend.After being interrupted so suddenly, I hope you finally find the opportunity to end this conversation."

Sidney was speechless for a moment, then laughed and nodded.They said goodbye, Sidney went went to look for of Charlotte, but couldn't find her anywhere.

With an ever worse feeling in his stomach, he ran through the rows of people, searched the market stalls that slowly closed their shelves, went from fire to fire, but no trace of her.

"Sidney, it's good that I find you. You have to talk to a couple of people, I already have the promise for two new houses.” Tom gave him little chance, he pulled on his arm, talked non-stop, but Sidney broke away.

"Where's Miss Heywood?" He asked roughly, saw the confusion on Tom's face and sighed.

"She went home with Mary and Georgiana, she shouldn't be out at this late hour," replied Tom, confused.He became even more confused when his brother swore, turned and walked towards the town.

Tom called for Sidney but got no answer and shook his head.Sidney seemed to be getting stranger and he was starting to get really dissatisfied with his behavior. 

Sidney almost ran until he finally reached Trafalger House.Even before the door he opened his coat, because he was terribly warm, impatiently he opened the door and stormed down the hall.

He could hardly just go to her room, that would be totally inappropriate, so he paused.

The house was quiet, there was no sound, but then he saw the dim light coming through the half-open door of the drawing room.Perhaps ....

She was sitting in an armchair in front of the fireplace, her legs curled up under her, a book in her hand, apparently without reading it.For a brief moment he watched her, her curls now drying before the fire and curling wildly, her cheeks rosy from the warmth, and her small figure in the white dress.

"You're still awake," he said softly, not wanting to scare her and saw her smile at the sound of his voice.

"I hoped you'd find me," she said shyly, blushing, which Sidney found even more adorable."I wanted to wait a while."

Sidney smiled, his irresistible, honest smile, and slowly pulled away from the door.

Charlotte straightened up, thought of what he had said to her down by the lake, and remembered that she hadn't returned the words.It hurt her that he didn't know and she cleared her throat quietly.

"Sidney, I ..." she started, but stopped when he suddenly fell on his knees in front of her.

He stared at her for a moment, his name out of her mouth made his heart race even more and he just couldn't stop himself. 

He gently took her hands that had dropped the book and looked into her eyes.

"Marry me, Charlotte," he whispered in a dark voice and had to swallow."Please marry me and share your life with me.I know I don't deserve you, but I can't stand you being pulled away from me again and again."

Charlotte started to cry, the tears running silently down her face, even more than she saw tears in his eyes as well.

"Become my wife and let me be by your side for the rest of our lives."

Completely overwhelmed, Charlotte couldn't answer at first, but she nodded, trembling.

"Yes," she whispered tonelessly, laughing and crying at the same time, repeating it over and over again."Yes Yes Yes."

With a deep sigh, Sidney collapsed, dropped his head into her lap, and trembled uncontrollably.All tension left him, tears flowed uninhibited from his eyes and all he could think was that she would be his.

Nothing could stand between them now, absolutely nothing.

Charlotte gasped softly, she felt his breath through her dress on her thighs, which made everything tingle in her, but she didn't want him to pull back.

She gently released a hand from his to dig her fingers into his curls, felt the tremor of his body, and only now realized how tense he must have been, how much he had feared that she would reject him.

She was swamped by her feelings for this tall, strong man kneeling at her feet and finally found her voice again.

"I love you, Sidney," she whispered, smiling at him as he lifted his tear-wet face to hers. "I was so scared of losing you."

She gripped his cheeks with both hands, wiped away his tears and gasped as he straightened up, gripped her hips and pulled her towards him.

His lips reached desperately for her mouth, Charlotte pressed closer to him, groaned at the passion with which he kissed her and returned his kiss as best she could. 

It was unlike anything before, the promise of what would come in the movement of his lips, the hungry, demanding touch of his tongue made her burn and he didn't seem to be able to feel her close enough.

He gently pulled on her, leaned back and Charlotte followed, slipping from the armchair into his lap and sat on his legs.It was an indescribable feeling to feel his body like this, he started to gently caress her back, his hands were so big that his thumbs slid over her sides and he felt her shiver.

When his mouth devoured her, Charlotte began to touch him with her fingertips. Slowly she ran ran down his cheeks, neck and shoulders, he was wearing only his shirt and a vest, shyly slid her fingers over the buttons on his chest and slid under the fabric to get closer to his skin.

Sidney growled, lowered his hand down until it was almost completely on her butt and pressed her tightly against hin. The desire that she triggered in him was unbearable, but he knew he had to stop.

They were in his brother's house, just engaged, although the mere thought of that word made him lose control again.

He looked at her, saw her red lips, her half-opened eyes and felt her hand in his hair.He gently licked her lips with his tongue, her moan immediately penetrated his inside and while this time running his hands over her sides, closer to her breasts and ribs, it was she who captured his mouth.

A little shy though, her tongue dipped between his lips, but Sidney encouraged her, lured her and played, and moaned softly. 

When they heard footsteps upstairs, they pulled apart, breathing heavily.

But Sidney wasn't ready to let her go yet, pulled her into a tight hug and buried his face against her neck.

"You're going to marry me ...," he murmured into her hair, and Charlotte laughed lightly, closing her arms around his neck and held him tight.

"I will ... I will be your wife."

The happiness that flowed through them was overwhelming, not even the noise from the stairs could disturb them, and when Sidney got up with Charlotte in his arms, carefully placed her on her own legs and kissed her gently and tenderly, Charlotte started again to cry.

Sidney was wiping her tears away with his thumb when Mary entered the salon.

"Sidney, Charlotte ... are you all right?" Mary stopped, of course she knew that Sidney had entered the house some time ago, she just wanted to finally give them some privacy.

She had listened to what Sidney had said on the landing, closed her eyes with a soft sigh when Charlotte accepted his hand, and then walked around the nursery.

Now trying to ignore the slightly tangled hair, the reddened lips and the heavy breathing of the two, she laughed sincerely at Sidney's beaming eyes and Charlotte's broad smile and came closer.

"Yes, Mary," said Sidney hoarsely, smiling. "Yes everything is all right."

He looked briefly at Charlotte, nodded to encourage her and Charlotte turned to her friend.

"Oh Mary, I'm going to be Sidney's wife, can you believe that?"

She sounded so overwhelmed, so full of hope and happiness that Mary cheered and hugged her."I'm so happy for you, my dear, it was taking too long."

She gently pushed Charlotte's hair out of her face, kissed her cheek and beamed at her.“Welcome to our family, Charlotte.I couldn't be happier than having you as a sister."

Sidney watched them, his heart full of emotions, his eyes burned with unshed tears, and the gratitude for this happiness almost brought him to his knees.When Mary turned to him, her eyes were full of tears, full of guilt, and she hugged him without a word.

Sidney had always suspected that Mary knew about his feelings, probably before he knew it, but he didn't blame her for what had happened.

"Sidney, my dear brother, I can't say how glad I am that you finally have her back.I know how much you suffered, and seeing you so happy is all I wanted.” Mary's voice wavered, but she smiled and squeezed his hand, which Sidney returned.

"Thank you, Mary," he murmured muffled, looking at Charlotte and reaching out for her. 

"I should go now, but I'll be back tomorrow morning."

Sidney could see how little Charlotte wanted him to go, but it wouldn't be right to stay here.

"Come on, Charlotte, I'll take you upstairs.Tomorrow we can discuss everything for the wedding after breakfast.” Mary smiled knowingly, went ahead and waited at the top of the stairs as the two said goodbye.

Sidney took Charlotte's hand, lifted it to his lips and gave a gentle kiss on the palm of her hand.

"Good night, Charlotte."

She smiled with a shiver, the expression in her eyes was sad, but she tried to be strong.Seeing him leave would probably be painful forever, even if they were now engaged.

"Good night, Sidney," she murmured, turning and running up the stairs.She didn't want him to see her cry, didn't want to make his heart heavy now that they were both so happy.

They would get married soon, and then hopefully he would stay with her forever.


	16. Lanterns in front of the window

Taking a deep breath, Sidney watched her go, knowing that it was difficult for her to say goodbye because he felt the same, but they had to endure it until they were married.After that, he wouldn't let her out of his sight again. He walked slowly to the front door when Tom came in.

"Sidney, why are you up here?You should have been down by the river, you missed an excellent opportunity for doing business.What's wrong with you?"

Tom sounded angry, Sidney sighed and followed him into his study.

"Tom," he began, pouring two glasses of whiskey and handing one to his brother."I know you don't notice much outside of Sanditon's concerns, but I got engaged to Miss Heywood tonight."

Tom frowned in confusion, sat down on a chair with a startled expression and looked at his brother.

"With Charlotte? Our Charlotte? But why?"

Resigned, Sidney clenched his teeth, sat down, and began telling his brother what he had missed in the past almost a year and a half.

The longer he spoke, the calmer Tom became, his face pale and his eyes wide with disbelief.

"But, ... but at the ball in London, you looked so happy, finally alive again. It was when you met Eliza again."

Sidney shook his head.“When I danced with Charlotte, I felt like a living person again, for the first time in years.That was before I saw Mrs. Campion again, and I left half an hour after speaking to her.”

"How could I misunderstand all of this?" Asked Tom, digging his head into his hands.

"It was good to have a rich widow in the family, so you decided I should still love her," Sidney said more harshly than intended.

Tom sat up, defiant and insulted like a little child.

“You got engaged to her when you were in London after the fire. It just seemed logical and I thought it was pure luck."

"Oh please, you must have seen that it almost killed me. There was no other way to save you from prison and your children from shame, nothing else was the reason.” Sindey felt the anger inside him, but tried to keep his temper. It wouldn't help with Tom.

The realization slowly came to Tom, Charlotte's farewell from Sanditon in tears, Sidney's drinking and boxing, his miserable appearance like a half-dead man and his shoulders always tense.The depressing mood when Mrs. Campion was here in Sanditon, Sydney's disintegration after he broke the engagement and the return of the glow in his eyes as soon as Charlotte was back in Sanditon.

"My dear brother, I cannot say how sorry I am for all of this, I ...," Tom was beside himself.He got up and paced nervously in front of Sidney, hands clasped."How can I ever make it up to you?"

Sidney sighed because he didn't know.He had always looked up to Tom as a young man, admired him, his family, his visions, his enthusiasm. He loved him, he was his brother, but he had lost his respect for him in the past year. And his trust in him.

"The only thing I ask of you is that you are polite and respectful to Charlotte.Everything else ... is as it always was ”.Sydney knew that he would be in Tom's business forever, that Tom would always ask more than he could give, and there was nothing he could do about it, but he would be damned if Tom hurt Charlotte again.

"Of course, brother, of course," said Tom, excited and happy again."I will welcome her to our family in the morning." 

Sidney nodded, and as Tom said goodbye to go upstairs, he stared at the stairs for a while.

She was up there, lying in her bed, maybe thinking of him. The need to be close to her now that they were finally united was overwhelming and Sidney couldn't resist.

It wasn't desire or lust that drove him up the stairs, though his body ached with longing for her.It was an overwhelming need to be close to her.

He paused briefly in front of her door, the whole house was quiet, there were no sounds.

With trembling fingers, he silently opened the door and slipped into her room.

It was dark, the fire in the fireplace was still glowing, but her curtains were open so that the light from the lanterns hanging in the middle of the street cast gentle shadows on her bed.

He could see her, her narrow shape under the sheets, she lay with her back to him and did not move.

Sidney hesitated briefly, he didn't want to wake her up or scare her, he just wanted to say good night to her.

He couldn't stop himself and walked slowly and quietly towards her bed. 

Charlotte had prepared for the bed with a happy smile on her face.

She was going to get married.She was going to marry Sidney Parker.

Smiling, she left her curtains open to watch the lanterns outside her window that were still glowing. In deep thoughts, she didn't hear her door open, but suddenly she felt the presence of another person in her room.

The air warmed, her heart started racing, and the smell that hit her made her take a deep breath.

Knowing that it was him, she turned her head over her shoulder when she heard soft footsteps and looked at him with shining eyes.

Without saying a word, Sidney climbed onto her bed, pressed himself firmly against her back and wrapped his arm around her.Humming softly, he hid his face against her neck, took a deep breath of the scent of her hair and sighed as Charlotte put her arm over his to pull him closer and her fingers intertwined with his.

Just the feel of his fingers on hers chased a shudder through Charlotte's body and she wondered how it would feel like to feel his bare skin against hers.

She fit his body perfectly, snuggled up to him and closed her eyes to concentrate on the feeling of him.

"I just wanted to say good night to you, my love," Sidney murmured softly, feeling her shiver. It was a new experience to use such tenderness, he had never called anyone like that in his life.

"Can't you just stay here?" Charlotte whispered so low that he barely heard it, he growled like a cat, and even pushed his legs into the bend of her knees.

"You have no idea how much I would like to, but I'm already taking too many risks.I have agreed with your father that if you say yes, I will accompany you back to Willingden and we will discuss together when and how the wedding should take place.I pray that it will not take too long." 

Sidney's warm breath slid down the back of her neck, she felt it through the fabric of her nightgown on her collarbones, and goose bumps spread all over her body.Unconsciously she pressed closer to him and gasped when she felt his soft, hot lips on her neck, just below her ear.Charlotte's body seemed to be burning, she had never felt anything like this and was completely overwhelmed.

Did she know what she was doing to him?Sidney had no idea, but probably didn't suspect, and her innocence made it much more difficult for him.

But he had to go, had to stop, otherwise he would completely lose control.

"Sleep well, my love," he murmured directly into her ear, feeling her body trembling again and smiling slightly.Her reaction to him made him proud and filled him with pure joy.

When he slowly pulled back, she turned, lay on her back and looked at him with wide eyes.

It was incredibly hard to get up from her bed without kissing her again, but Sidney forced himself to do it.

Charlotte breathed heavily under her duvet, Sidney just let his eyes slide over her shape for a moment before turning to the door with a last, gentle smile and disappearing as quietly as he had come.

Agitated and overwhelmed, Charlotte watched him go, still smiling as the door closed before curling up into a round ball and looking at the lanterns outside her window.

His scent was still in her room, in the sheets on her bed, and before she fell asleep, she took a deep breath. 

—- ~ —- 

Sidney was awake as soon as the sun rose.

He wanted to go to Trafalger House as soon as possible to have breakfast with Charlotte and his family, but before that he had to talk to Georgiana. 

So he waited for her in the drawing room until she came down the stairs.

"Good morning, Georgiana," he said calmly when she looked at him skeptically."I would like to discuss something with you.Would you please sit down with me for a moment?"

Georgiana made a face, apparently she wasn't really interested in talking to him.But she sat across from him on a chair and looked at him with her eyebrows raised.

Taking a deep breath, Sidney straightened up and looked her straight in the eye. 

"I asked Charlotte last night if she would marry me and she said yes."

Georgiana's face darkened, but she said nothing, so Sidney continued.

"I am aware that the relationship between you and me is difficult, I also know that you blame me for many things, including the death of your father. I can understand that, and I do not require that you behave differently towards me.I just ask you to be kind to Charlotte and don't consider her feelings for me against her. Friendship with you is very important to her and I don't want to be the reason why you two are arguing.” 

Angry, Georgiana got up and took a few steps across the room.

"I told her she shouldn't trust you, but apparently she didn't listen to me."

"What did I do to earn that distrust from you?" Sidney asked quietly.Georgiana looked at him for a long time before answering in a choked voice.

"You said you would just show him something and at the end of the day he was dead and you were alive." 

It had been one of the worst days in Sidney's life, a day when he'd lost a good friend. Robert Lambe had been seriously ill but he wanted Sidney to show him one of the newly built houses for the freed slaves on his plantation. On the way back Robert had collapsed and died, while Sidney had to watch helplessly and could do nothing.

The guilt was heavy on him, and he always knew that Georgiana had never forgiven him for his helplessness.

Perhaps that was why he had kept her away from his life after they arrived here in England.He did not know.

Of course he had made mistakes when it came to his guardianship of her, but he had tried to make amends. 

"I did everything I could to help your father that day, but I didn't stand a chance. But I understand that that's why you're angry with me. Still, he's dead and we're both here. I would like you to stay with us, with Charlotte and me, until you are of age and can decide for yourself where you want to go, but the decision is yours. I don't have enough money to buy your own house, but I'm sure Mary would love to take you to Trafalger House if you wish.”

Georgiana turned in surprise.Did he really just say he wanted her with him?

He had once been like a brother to her, and she really missed that time.

"I'll think about it," she replied softly, then paused and swallowed."Would you ... would you be willing to tell me what happened to Dad that day and what he wrote in his will?I only know fragments of it ... ".

Sidney looked up, strangely pleased with the request, and nodded.

"Of course. In my study is the letter in which he asked me to bring you here if anything happens to him - we can read it together.You can ask whatever you want." 

Georgiana nodded and smiled slightly when Sidney got up.

"Are you going to be kind to Charlotte?"

It really seemed to bother him that she could punish his fiancee for loving him, and Georgiana laughed.

"She is my friend. Just because she has an extremely bad taste in men doesn't mean that anything changes."

Sidney nodded and offered his arm to her.

"Would you like to accompany me to Trafalger House to have breakfast there?"

She nodded hesitantly and took his arm.She looked at him intently, some of the darkness around him seemed to be gone and his eyes sparkled with something she had never seen before. 

Together they left the house in a strange, but not unpleasant familiarity. 

—- ~ —— 

"My dear Charlotte, welcome to our family, my dear, welcome."

Tom's cheerful and loud voice greeted her as soon as she entered the dining room the next morning.

She blushed when Tom pulled her close and gave her a quick hug, but when Mary hugged her too and the kids jumped wildly around them, she laughed happily.

"Are you going to marry Uncle Sidney and then be our aunt, Charlotte," asked Jenny, pulling her to sit next to her at breakfast.

"I think so, yes. Is that okay?” Jenny and Alicia cheered while Henry didn't quite understand what was being said. 

But there was not enough time to explain it to him, because at that moment the doors of the house opened.

Charlotte looked up with a beating heart, but it was Arthur and Diana who entered the room.

"Good morning, dear ones," gasped Arthur, as always out of breath.

“Tea, Mary, poor Arthur needs tea.He insisted on taking a walk along the beach, but all this movement just doesn't do him any good.” Diana whined as always, even out of breath, and everyone tried to calm the younger Parker siblings.Mary called after more tea while Tom led his sister to a chair.

In all this confusion, Sidney and Georgiana reached Trafalger House and watched for a moment from the door, amused.

Then Sidney's eyes met Charlotte's and everything else disappeared. 

He walked slowly towards her, his eyes shining at the sight of her , while she had to hold onto the back of a chair so as not to sway.

"Good morning," he whispered softly, and his dark voice sent a shiver through Charlotte's body.

"Morning ...," she was unable to say more as Sidney grabbed her hand and leaned down to her.

His lips were incredibly hot when he kissed her tenderly on the cheek.

Such an expression of affection was terribly inappropriate even for a fiancee, but Sidney couldn't help it.He would have drawn her to him if she had been alone, but at least a small part of his brain hadn't forgotten his family in the room. 

When he looked up again, he noticed that the room had become quiet and Charlotte's cheeks flushed deeply when she found that everyone was looking at them.

"Erm .." Sidney cleared his throat, slipped Charlotte's hand in the crook of his arm and met the questioning looks from his younger siblings."Miss Heywood and I are getting married, I asked her yesterday and luckily she agreed."

Arthur began to cheer like the children did, rushed towards him, and hugged his brother tightly in his arms.

Sidney laughed in surprise, but returned the hug and watched gratefully as Arthur also effusively congratulated Charlotte.

"Oh, I'm so happy, I can't believe that my so unapproachable brother is finally getting the luck he deserves. It is an honor to have you as a sister, Miss Charlotte, really an honor."

Diana also hugged them both, albeit a little more confused.

"I had no idea ...," she murmured. In some ways she was as inattentive as Tom. 

Then Georgiana stood in front of Charlotte, the two fiends looked at each other before Georgiana pulled her into a tight hug.

"Congratulations, Charlotte.Even if I don't understand your affection for my wretched guardian, I wish you both every happyness. You really deserve it."

Her words lacked sharpness, she glanced sideways at Sidney and saw him watching the two women with an illegible look while Charlotte had tears in her eyes.

"Thank you Georgiana.It means a lot to me and I am sure that you will find that your guardian is not so wretched at all.”

Georgiana nodded, noticed Charlotte looking at Sindey, and stepped back to give them a moment's privacy.

"You could come to me afterwards and we can have a little talk?Sidney has to go to the river to monitor the cleanup afterwards, right?”

Charlotte agreed and Georhiana went to leave them alone. 

"I missed you," Sidney whispered as he leaned close to her ear.

Charlotte looked up at him with a smile, a sparkle in her eyes.

"Since your warmth stayed in my bed and your smell hung throughout my room, I just closed my eyes and imagined you would still hold me."

Sidney had to swallow hard at her words, he actually blushed a little and he was very hot.Charlotte laughed at his reaction, took his hand and pulled him to the breakfast table. 

It was a loud and happy affair, but Sidney and Charlotte were in their own world.Whenever they could, their hands touched under the table, Sindey rubbed the fabric of her dress between his fingers and Charlotte intentionally leaned close to Sidney several times to answer a question from Henry next to him. 

Mary watched them and smiled to herself, so she had been right, Sidney only needed a little push to finally overcome his guilt.It was a pleasure to see the two of them treat each other, she hadn't known Sidney had such a loving side and Charlotte was literally beaming with happiness.

At last it was the way it should be.


	17. Home to Willingden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for your lovely comments, I hope you still enjoy this

"Babington, look. I think he's back from hell. Have you ever seen him smile like that?"

Crowe and Babington were just walking down the street to watch the river clearing up when they saw Sidney and Charlotte leave Trafalger House together.

The big smile on their friend's face was more than an unusual sight, usually there was always something slightly dark about him.As they got closer, they even heard him laugh at something Miss Heywood had said, and the sound was much more unfamiliar.

"Finally, I was afraid to get the news at some point that he drowned himself drunk in the sea."

Although Lord Babington was joking, his words had a hint of truth.

Even Ester had been worried, which had surprised Babington with warmth.Her yesterday's frustration at the fact that her two friends' kiss was interrupted made him laugh, and when she slapped him playfully on the arm, he kissed her gently and whispered how happy he was that she was already his wife.

"Miss Heywood, Sidney, nice to meet you both this morning," Crowe said as they reached the self-contained couple and looked demonstratively at Charlotte's arm, which was in Sidney's elbow. He had put his other hand over her gloved fingers as if he was afraid that she would detach from him.

"Crowe, Babington," Sidney looked up in surprise. He hadn't paid attention to his surroundings, just the feeling of going for a walk with his fiancee."Sorry, I didn't notice you."

"Good morning, Mr. Crowe, Lord Babington," Charlotte said softly and a little nervously.What would Sidney's friends say to her?Would they accept her as their friend's future wife?

But her worry was completely unfounded, since Lord Babington approached her directly, bowed to her, and took her free hand briefly in his.

"Miss Heywood, after Sidney's smile and the way he holds you, I assume that he could finally ask his urgent question.So can I congratulate you?"

Charlotte laughed in surprise and looked briefly at Sidney, who was watching her lovingly.

"You may, Lord Babington." She nodded shyly.

Crowe sighed but laughed and Babington kissed Charlotte's hand lightly.

"My sincere congratulations to you two. I've never seen this grim man so satisfied, Miss Heywood, and it's a pleasure to finally see you both together.”

Charlotte's cheeks flushed, she wasn't sure what to say and just thanked him. Then Babington turned to Sidney and gave him a quick hug, slapping him on the back.

"I'm happy for you, Sidney, I really am."

Crowe also congratulated them cheerfully, he also slapped Sidney on the back, which made him laugh out loud.

"You don't have to hit me so hard. It's cold today and I haven't slept much. Show a little mercy. "

"And who shows mercy on me?" Cried Crowe, but laughed. "Soon you will be married, and stop drinking with me in the evening, just like Babers, because you want to stay in your wife's arms like him."

"I hope so," Sidney replied softly, seeing Charlotte's adorable red cheeks and would have loved to drag her behind the next corner of a house to kiss her senselessly.She noticed the dark expression in his eyes, gripped his arm more tightly, and came a little closer. She loved being able to stand so close to him, to put her arm in his, and her inside tingled with the way Sidney unconsciously played with her fingers.

Unable to resist, he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed the warm, red wool over her palm. 

When he looked up again he noticed the surprised expression on his friends' faces. He was not known for such a public display of his feelings, but he didn't want to suppress it either and shrugged his shoulders.

"We were on our way to the river, are you coming to oversee the cleanup?" Crowe raised an eyebrow doubtfully, but Sidney nodded.

"I will follow immediately, I will only accompany Charlotte to Georgiana."

They said goodbye, went down the street in opposite directions, and didn't notice the two men who had been watching them all the time. 

—- ~ —- 

"Do you think I misjudged him?Or should I try again to warn Miss Heywood of him?" 

Fred Robinson sighed in frustration and looked sternly at his friend.

"I've told you before, James.I think Mr. Sidney Parker is a good businessman, he's a fair employer, and has proven many times that he wants decent working conditions for his workers.You may not like him personally, and nobody demands that, but you owe him respect."

James nodded reluctantly, they had spoken about it a number of times and he knew that Fred was right. It was just hard for him to accept it.

"As for Miss Heywood, I think her heart clearly belongs to Mr. Parker, everyone can see that. I know you had hopes, but think about the girl from yesterday by the fire and the way she looked at you.You should focus on that, probably fiery Charlotte would have finished you anyway, considering how she and Mr. Parker shouted at each other on the street in her first summer here. You wouldn't be up to it. "

Fred grinned and winked at that last sentence and James had to laugh.

"You're right," he admitted, but still looked at her disappearing shape again.

He had painted a future with her in bright colors, but he realized that there was never anything like that in the stars for them.

He nodded to himself, decided to perhaps invite the girl from last night - the daughter of one of the new stonemasons - for a walk later, and went with Fred to the construction site of the theater. 

—- ~ —- 

When they reached Sidney's house, he slowed. Instead of going to the front door, he led Charlotte around the side of the house into the garden. As soon as they were around the corner and no longer visible, he pulled her towards him.

His hands slid her bonnet off her head to dig into her curls while he sighed and leaned his forehead against hers.

"God, how am I supposed to endure this? All I want is to be close to you ... ".

Charlotte had been surprised at first, but her hands found his upper arms by themselves to hold on to him.His strong muscles moved under the thick fabric of his coat and she wondered what his bare arms would feel like. When he spoke, in a dark and almost hoarse voice, she put a hand on the back of his neck to pull him closer.

"Patience is not one of your strengths, is it?" She laughed, even though she felt exactly like him. Shaking his head, he looked at her, ran a finger across her full lower lip while his eyes darkened again.

"Neither do mine," whispered Charlotte, leaning up and touching his mouth with hers.She was shocked at herself, but immediately felt Sidney react and return her kiss, which made her brave.

She opened her mouth uncertainly, hesitantly pulling his lower lip between hers.She noticed Sidney held back to let her take the lead, only his hands slid over her back to wrap around her waist and lift her up a little as he pressed her close.

But the soft moan that escaped him showed her that he liked it, so she gathered courage and dipped her tongue between his lips.

She whimpered at his intoxicating taste, the feel of his tongue that received hers, and the sheer sensation of feeling his body so close to hers. 

It was a long time before they came loose, their lips were red and swollen, and they were breathing hard.Sidney didn't want to step back and let his lips slide gently over her cheek to her ear, where he kissed the soft skin just below.

"Do you think your father will insist on a long engagement?"

Again Sidney leaned his forehead against hers, looked into her eyes and smiled slightly embarrassed. He had never shown his feelings to anyone so openly, at least not since he was a stupid 19 year old idiot. He had always guarded himself, was proud to be able to keep his face and posture blank, but in Charlotte's presence he seemed to lose that ability completely. Especially now that she was going to be his wife, it was impossible to hide his love for her.

Her hand slid over the soft stubble on his cheek, wondering how it would feel on her bare skin and laughed.

"Since he likes to tell the story of how much he was in love with mom and that he married her after only three weeks, I will not accept a day longer. "

She leaned against him with her eyes closed, so she didn't see the brief flickering of lust in his eyes.

Three weeks ... three weeks until he could make her his wife and peel those annoying layers of clothing from her.

He could handle that. 

—- ~ —- 

Only four days later, two weeks earlier than planned, Charlotte and Sidney made their way to Willingden.Sidney had asked Georgiana whether she wants to accompany them - at first she refused and said she wouldn't sit in a carriage for hours in this cold, but on the morning of her departure she was ready dressed and with a small suitcase in front of the house. 

"So you've changed your mind?" Sidney didn't look at her, he didn't know if he could keep his expression blank. He was both relieved that she had given in to his invitation, but also disappointed that he could not spend the long journey alone with Charlotte in the secluded room of the carriage.

"As you can see?It is hardly appropriate that you two are alone in the carriage, and after seeing how you kissed Charlotte in front of her door in your brother’s house last night, I fear for her reputation.”

As Charlotte blushed, Sidney raised an eyebrow and sighed.

It had been a gentle, loving, and chaste kiss by his standards, but Georgiana was right.He assumed it was better that way.

For most of the trip, the two women talked about Charlotte's family and Willingden while Sidney was silent.He was sitting next to Charlotte, his hand on the bench between them, rubbing the soft fabric of her dress between his fingers. Again and again Charlotte felt how he brushed her thigh, she tried not to blush, but slid unobtrusively closer to him.

"He's back." Kate's voice was the first thing Sidney heard when he got out of the carriage outside the Heywood estate."Look, Allison, he's back here."

Before he could help Charlotte out of the carriage, he heard footsteps running behind him, turned, and had just enough time to extend his arms out to catch the four-year-old Kate who threw herself at him. Laughing, he picked her up, was greeted with a kiss on the cheek and had to swallow hard.

"Hello little Kate. It's nice to see you again,” he said touched, while Charlotte climbed out of the carriage herself and was surrounded by her other siblings.

But her eyes were on Sidney, who was greeted so stormily by the second youngest Heywood child.It warmed her heart to see how he dealt with her siblings, the boys told him about their last forays, he kept Kate in his arms and listened carefully to everyone.

It was only when Georgiana cleared her throat that he remembered his manners and gave her a helping hand.

"Oh, the lady is very dark," whispered Kate with wide eyes, but Georgiana actually smiled.

"Yes, she was born in Antigua, it's very warm there. That's why she always freezes here in England. Do you think she can go inside?"

Kate giggled, greeted Georgiana cheerfully, and when Sidney set her on her feet, she took her hand and pulled her to the front door. 

"Mr.Heywood, Mrs. Heywood, it's nice to see you again."

Mr. Heywood shook hands with Sidney after hugging Charlotte and shooed them all into the house.

"I see you have received a positive response, Mr. Parker.I'm happy to see you both here." 

"Charlotte, my little girl." Mrs. Heywood hugged her daughter with tears in her eyes."I can't believe all of this.Such a distinguished man and my little girl."

She had thought a lot about his visit since Sidney's departure and was now very concerned about the prospect of a marriage between the two.Now to see Charlotte coming home with Sidney startled herand a thousand worries swirled in her head.

Charlotte rolled her eyes furtively as Mr. Heywood sighed and pushed his wife and daughter into the house. Sidney frowned, suddenly alarmed. 

All of the children had scrabbled around Georgiana sitting on the floor with Alison.She was telling stories about her homeland, obviously feeling good, so Mr. Heywood led his wife, Charlotte and Sidney to his study.

"Now stop crying, woman, that's totally happy news," he said firmly when they all settled down in front of the fireplace.

"Mom, aren't you happy for me?" Charlotte couldn't help but be a little disappointed with her mother's reaction. 

"Yes, of course, child, everything is just as different as I always thought. Where will you live. I assume in London with your work, Mr. Parker?It's so far away and so so different from how you grew up."

Suddenly Sidney understood that Mrs. Heywood had never traveled far, she had married a boy from her neighboring town and was simply worried.

"You don't have to worry, Mrs. Heywood, we will live where Charlotte wants to live. In London, if she wants to - although I would rather less prefer that opinion myself. I think Sanditon or even here in Willingden."

Everyone present looked at him in surprise, but he only saw Charlotte. Her eyes shone with affection.

"I would like to live in Sanditon. I like the house you bought, it is far enough from the town, has a garden and the view of the sea is indescribable.”

Sidney nodded with a smile, that was what he expected, but he would have moved here if it meant being with her.

"But when should the wedding be? It is in the middle of winter. Maybe Charlotte should be here at our house for a few more months and the wedding should take place in the summer.” Mrs. Heywood still sounded worried, looked at Sidney skeptically, but he looked back.

"It's entirely up to you and your husband, Mrs. Heywood.We will wait as long as you wish.” Sidney tried to keep his voice normal, although this sentence was more than difficult for him.

No matter what Charlotte's mother would say, he would accept everything, the main thing was that Charlotte would eventually become his wife. He looked at Charlotte, knowing that she was staring at him in frustration.

"And will it have to be a London wedding?I think your social position will require that.”

This time Mrs. Heywood was interrupted by her husband before Sidney or Charlotte could say anything.

"Hetty, stop it now," he said, patting his worried wife's hand.“The wedding will take place here in Willingden on the Stephanie Day. We'll light a campfire in the garden so it won't be cold and hope the sun will shine.”

With a cheer, Charlotte threw herself into her father's arms. That would be just three weeks. She heard her mother sigh deeply, but her father smiled at her when she kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you, Papa," she whispered softly and squeezed his hand.

Sidney said nothing, but he had a relieved expression and a small smile on his face.

Not long now, and she would be his.

Charlotte later sat on the bed with Alsion and Georgiana in their room. Sidney had gone to the inn this time, but it was decided that Georgiana would share a room with Charlotte and Alison. They were talking quietly about the coming days when the door opened and Kate slipped inside.

"Sweetie, what are you doing here?" Alison got up but Kate hopped on the bed and looked at Charlotte with wide eyes.

"Charlotte?" She said shyly, but when her big sister smiled at her, she continued."Do you think that I will also have a husband as beautiful as you?"

Georgiana and Alison laughed, but Charlotte remained serious.

Kate was a really cute girl and she really loved her. She gently brushed back her blonde locks as she answered.

"I'm sure, honey, you'll find a handsome man too."

The beaming smile on Kate's face made Charlotte giggle, but her little sister was right.

Sidney was really beautiful.


	18. Preparations

Sidney sighed and read the letter again. He had sent and received several letters in the past week to prepare everything for his and Charlotte's wedding.

The letter he was reading right now was from Tom, however, who asked him to come back to Sanditon immediately.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Parker?"

He was sitting in the drawing room at the Heywoods, Charlotte was sitting on the sofa reading a book while she waited for him to take her for a walk.They had spent many hours together since they were here, talking about so many things, telling stories from their childhood, and laughing endlessly.

Seeing Sidney so relaxed and happy was infinitely beautiful for Charlotte and she really enjoyed the time.The only annoying thing was that they were hardly ever alone, which meant they couldn't get any closer than a few stealthy short kissess.

Alison and Georgiana were out somewhere, they had made friends quickly and were inseparable.

Mr. Heywood, who had just entered the room, saw the frown on his future son-in-law's face, and Charlotte looked up when he asked.

"What's the matter?"

Sidney looked at her with an illegible look before sighing with the letter in his hand.

"It's from Tom. He writes that there are problems and that I should come back immediately."

Charlotte's face went pale. Tom and problems had never ended well for her.

"Oh, did something bad happen?" Mr. Heywood asked anxiously, but noticed how Sidney and Charlotte looked at each other.

"No, Tom likes to exaggerate. He has problems with the workers, nothing bad."

"How long will you be gone, Mr. Parker?“Sidney still looked at Charlotte even though she didn't say a word.Now he turned away from her and looked at her father.

"I think a week. My lawyer wanted to go through the wedding documents with me, and your wife and Alison wrote me a list of what else they needed from London.”

One week.

That was exactly what he had said the last time, but he hadn't come back to her then, but was engaged to another woman.

Charlotte knew it was ridiculous, but the icy feeling in her stomach didn't go away. She tried not to show it, but she felt Sidney watching her and knew that he would see something was wrong.

And she was right, he put the letter down, got up with a deep breath and walked slowly towards her. He stopped right in front of her, but she didn't look up at him. She didn't want him to see her wet eyes.

"Charlotte," Sidney whispered softly, he had seen her turn her head away and assumed that she wanted to hide her tears.

The thought of leaving her was unbearable, and he understood that she associated it with the last time he went to London for a week.

He cursed Tom and his problems, but mostly himself for the pain he had inflicted on her and the resulting uncertainty.

Without paying attention to decency or her father in the room, he dropped to his knees in front of her and took her hands gently.

"Please look at me, Charlotte."

The pleading undertone in his dark voice dropped her tears and slowly she turned her head.

"Five days. I promise I'll be here in front of the church on Sunday to hear the last announcement of our wedding."

Charlotte clung to his hands, wanted to lean against him and breathe him in, but her father was watching them. So she gently stroked his knuckles and sighed.

"You don't have to hurry, if you have to go to London the trip will be tiring, so take as much time as you need. I'm sorry, I didn't mean ...,“ she stopped when Sidney leaned closer. She hated being so insecure. She trusted him, but not Tom.

"Five days," said Sidney firmly, looking into hers with his piercing eyes. "I love you Charlotte, don't forget that. I will be back soon."

He kissed her palm gently, wiped away her tears, and stood up without looking at Mr. Heywood. He went to pack his things.

The faster he left, the faster he would be back.

Charlotte blushed when her Father cleared his throat.

"You chose a good man, my dear Charlotte. Really a good one." 

—- ~ —- 

"Tom, what's the problem?"

Sidney entered his brother's study with quick steps to clear up the matter as soon as possible. He was cold, in a bad mood and wet, so his voice was harder than he might have intended.

However, when he entered the room, he saw Tom and Mr. Stringer facing each other, both with angry faces.

Tom sighed in relief at Sidney's appearance, while Mr. Stringer straightened up and looked a little nervous.

"Sidney, well, you're here. You have to speak to the workers."

Frowning Sidney waited for an explanation and, to his surprise, it was James who spoke.

"Mr. Parker, it's really cold outside, the bricklayers can't work in such weather, they are now helping the carpenters, but it's usually common to pay a bonus for working this time of year.”

Tom snorted and threw his hands up in the air, but Sidney gave him a dark look.

“It's Christmas next week, and since I've just ridden half the day, I know it's terribly cold. We talked about stopping work until next year and paying a Christmas bonus, Tom. I gave you the money, why didn't it happen?"

“The Advent market was a success, Sidney, the opening of the theater is in mid-January, it would be a symbol if the Pogoda were finished by then.I ...,“ Tom stopped when Sidney walked up to him.

"Tom, what happened to the money for the workers?"

"I ...," Tom stuttered, knowing Sidney would get angry if he told him.

"Thomas Parker," Sidney growled, aware that Stringer was taking a few steps back, visibly uncomfortable to be a witness to this conversation, but still interested. 

Tom straightened, after all he was the oldest Parker and didn't need to let his younger brother scream at him.

"I bought the chandelier for the theater that you refused."

"You ...," Sidney didn't know what to say, anything he wanted to say would have been disrespectful. So he turned away, took a few steps to the fireplace, and tried to calm down.

"Would you please wait for me outside, Mr. Stringer?" Sidney looked at the man only briefly, but even then James saw how angry he was. "I'll go to the construction site with you right afterwards."

James nodded, took his hat and left.

Sidney turned, and clasped his hands behind his back.

“If you don't stop making unapproved decisions, I'll pull my money out of the holding. The rental income from the terrace apartments serves the loan that I have taken out for your debts, but we will stop all further projects.I'm tired of it, Tom, and if you don't stop, I'll go and let you build the town by yourself.” 

Tom visibly panicked, he knew his brother was serious, and he was scared.

"Sidney, please, I'm sorry. I know I'm tiring, but I need you here. I promise to try to do better."

It was a futile hope, but Tom was his brother, so Sidney nodded.

When Mary entered the study, Sidney said goodbye.According to her expression, she had overheard the conversation. As he passed her, she squeezed his arm briefly and Sidney hoped she would speak to her husband's conscience.

James Stringer was waiting outside the door, looking at him curiously, but Sidney just nodded wordless and together they went to the construction site. Once there, James called the workers together and was curious about what Sidney would say.

“Gentlemen, I would like to thank you for your excellent work this year. Since it will soon be Christmas we will finish the work for this year and start again with fresh energy in the new one.” The men cheered and Sidney paused before he continued.“I wish you all a few wonderful days with your families. I would ask you to tidy up and secure the construction site, after which I invite you to the Denham Arms for a drink.Toast the wedding of Miss Charlotte Heywood and me, which will take place two days after Christmas, the bill goes to me."

This time the cheers were louder, congratulations were called and Sidney smiled proudly.

"Mr. Stringer will ensure the correctness and pay a small bonus to each of you when you go home. It should benefit you and your family and should not be invested in alcohol.” 

Each of the workers walked past Sidney, shook hands, and thanked him. Finally, Fred Robinson and James Stringer stopped in front of Sidney.

"Thank you, Mr. Parker," said Fred, shaking the hand. "And I wish Miss Heywood and you all the best."

"I think I have to apologize to you, Mr. Parker. I mistreated you and I'm sorry.” James sounded contrite, but Sidney shook his head.

"It is not necessary, Mr. Stringer.You were a friend to Charlotte and wanted to protect her, I respect that. You do a good job, you just shouldn't be tempted by Tom to want more than is possible."

James nodded, held out his hand to Sidney, who took it and squeezed it tightly.

It was a silent agreement, a confirmation of respect for one another.

After handing over the money for the worker drink and the bonus to Mr. Stringer, Sidney went home to do a few things for Charlotte and his new life.

Georgiana had asked to move to Trafalger House for a while, so he had written to Mary from Willingden, who of course agreed, and he wanted her belongings to be in her temporary new home when she returned.So he spent the evening preparing, going to bed early so that he could leave for London early the next morning to speak to his attorney and work through Alison's list. 

—- ~ —- 

It was Saturday afternoon when Sidney saw Willingden in front of him.

The weather was sunny and clear, but cold, and since he had been in the saddle for hours, he was freezing.

He had hurried as much as he could to get back to Charlotte as soon as possible.He had missed her terribly, his horse was loaded with several packages, which is why they often had to take breaks, which had made him impatient.

When he was finally able to get off in the yard of the Heywood's house, he sighed in relief.He longed for a drink, a cigar and his fiancee.

Timmy, the groom, took the reins from his hand with a smile to take care of his horse and the parcels, so Sidney could walk to the door in relief. 

He knocked, was let in, and met Mr. Heywood in the hallway.

"Mr. Parker, you're back earlier than expected.You must have had a hell of four days.”

Sidney nodded and returned Charlotte's father's laugh, but he looked around.

"Yes, I hurried. Isn't Charlotte here?"

Grinning, Mr. Heywood shook his head."No, I'm afraid she‘s not. They all went to decorate the church for Christmas Eve. But they will surely be back soon."

Sidney couldn't hide his disappointment, all he wanted was to see Charlotte.

"Come on, let's have a whiskey while we wait.It's terribly cold outside and you must be frozen.”

Mr. Heywood laughed and went into his study, Sidney grimaced but followed slowly.He was really cold and a drink sounded good. 

Two hours later, Charlotte entered the house with Alison, Georgiana and her mother. It was already dark now, her mother immediately disappeared into the kitchen to see if all her children had had anything to eat, while Alison and Georgiana went to the salon to continue working on their straw stars.

Tomorrow, she thought as she hung her coat on the fire.He would be back tomorrow.

Since Sidney had left she had felt strangely lonely, out of place in her actual home, as if she just didn't belong there anymore.And so it was, she belonged to Sidney, her home was with him.

Lost in thoughts, she walked slowly to her father's study when she heard a chuckle from it.

What ... that was ...

She hurried through the door, stopped in surprise, and let her eyes wander from one man to another.

They were sitting in a cloud of smoke, a bottle of presumably whiskey was lying empty on the floor and her father was lying more than he was sitting on one of the armchairs.

Sidney sat across from him, no longer upright, but more than her father, and was now trying to get up.

"Sidney," she murmured as she took a big step towards him as he swayed slightly on his legs.

"God, Charlotte, you look beautiful, like an angel, with your wild curls and red cheeks." Sidney was annoyed that he spoke slightly indistinctly, but his eyes shone with pure love.He gratefully took her hand to stabilize himself, but once he got up it got better.

"Papa," Charlotte said in frustration."Did you make him drunk?"

Mr. Heywood giggled, he could not sit up and gave up his unsuccessful attempt."I tried, but he can take more than I can." He slurred, and Charlotte rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Please forgive me. He offered me a drink while we were waiting for your return and because it was so cold outside. But it took you too long."

Charlotte came closer so Sidney could lean on her.He didn't need it, they both knew that, but feeling her body against his was far too tempting.She found him incredibly cute, as vulnerable and honest as only drunk people were.

"I missed you terribly, my love," he whispered in her ear, but quickly withdrew as Mrs. Heywood entered the room.

"Georg, what's going on here?" She called and looked around."Oh, you smoked ... and drank." She looked at both men reproachfully and Sidney bowed his head in shame.

"Don't scream, Hetty. I had to really welcome my new son here. Now just leave me here until tomorrow while Charlotte accompanies Sidney to the inn so he doesn't fall into the river.”

Demonstratively, Mr. Heywood sank into the armchair while Sidney looked up in disgust.

"I'm not falling into the river, I can walk straight ahead ...," he started to protest, but was interrupted again by Mrs. Heywood.

"She cannot accompany him to the inn, it is already dark. It is inappropriate."

"Hetty, they're getting married in four days, so what's going to happen," muttered Mr. Heywood, waving his hand."Come on, go on."

Charlotte kissed her father on the cheek, grabbed Sidney's arm and pulled him behind her.He just managed to mumble an apology to her mother before he let himself follow her. They still heard Mrs. Heywood whine softly, but Charlotte quickly got their coats and they left the house.

Sidney stumbled, reached for Charlotte, and pulled her around the next corner of the house to protect them from prying eyes.He had to be close to her, his whole body longed for her, so he slipped his hands under her coat, which was still open, and griped her hips.

With a low growl, he pushed her against the wall, searched her mouth and kissed her deeply.

There were so many incredible sensations at once that Charlotte couldn't stop the moan that came from her lips.

His hot hands on her body, his demanding mouth and his searching tongue that slid between her lips made all thoughts disappear from her head and she clung to him.

She had one hand buried in his hair, the other shoved under his coat. Slowly her fingers slid to his back and under his vest, only to feel his heat through his linen shirt.

Her touch burned, the alcohol in Sidney's blood made him lose control and his body reacted. He grew hard, slowly slid his hands over her dress, gripped her ribs, and lifted her higher. He wanted her to feel him, he wanted to show her what she was doing to him and pressed his hips firmly into hers.

Charlotte gasped, she felt him, something hard pressed against the place between her legs that hurt strangely and it felt incredibly good. What did he do to her?

His kiss was passionate, he almost devoured her with his lips , but she gave it back as best she could.When he moved his hips, pressed them even harder against her, she threw her head back and groaned loudly.This gave Sidney the opportunity to let his hot lips slide over her neck, he sucked gently at her pulse point and slid his tongue deeper to lick the gentle swelling of her breast.

Her whimpering and the pull of her fingers on his hair brought him to his senses.

Breathing heavily, he hid his face on the back of her neck, hugged her, and whispered an apology.

"Forgive me, Charlotte. I'm so longing for you, for your nearness, I've lost control." 

Charlotte pulled him closer with both arms, wrapped them around his large body and held him tight.

"Do not apologize. I may not know what it all means and what will happen to my or your body, but I want it just like you."

It sounded shy, Sidney's heart skipped a few times and he raised his head to look at her.

"I love you so much, Charlotte.Only a few more days and I will be yours with everything I am, and then I will love and adore you and your body."

The honesty in his voice made Charlotte cry, she wrapped her hands around his face and kissed him gently. 

Reluctantly, they broke away from each other, Sidney closed Charlotte's coat to keep her from freezing and led her back to the front door.

"Go in, it's terribly cold. I find the way back on my own."

She wanted to protest, but Sidney stopped her with a kiss. "Good night, my love. I'll see you for breakfast."

"Good night, Sidney. I love you." 

Charlotte watched him walk slowly over the bridge, he turned to wave to her, then she went inside.

Just a few more days.


	19. For the rest of our lives

"Are you sure that the tie is tied correctly? It feels different ...".

Crowe moaned theatrically as Lord Babington checked the knot on Sidney's tie again. He had a amiable grin on his face, pretended to look closely, and then patted his friend's shoulders reassuringly.

"Everything is perfect, Sidney. You should calm down."

The nervousness of the otherwise stoic Sidney Parker made him share an amused look with Crowe, and they both burst out laughing when their friend frustratedly fell into an armchair and hid his face in his hands.

"I don't think I've ever been so nervous ...," he murmured quietly, glaring at his still laughing friends.

"Did you eat something? Or better, did you sleep at all?” Asked Crowe, who also sat down in an armchair and reached for three glasses.

"No, I didn't eat anything and I slept badly," Sidney replied tensely as he put his head back with his eyes closed."I was swimming in the freezing creek this morning, but it didn't helped my head."

Babington looked at him sympathetically while Crowe shook his head.

"Here my friend, take a sip," he said, handing him a glass of whiskey.

Sidney eyed the liquid skeptically, maybe having a whiskey on an empty stomach on his wedding day at nine o'clock was a bad idea, but it could calm his nerves. They clinked glasses, Sidney and Babington just took a sip as Crowe emptied the glass all at once.

"If you are drunk before church at my wedding, I will never forgive you," growled Sidney, staring at him until Crowe, with a low growl, put down the bottle and glass.

"Why are you so nervous? After all, she already saw you in all your glory and ran away, maybe she won't do it again." Crowe laughed at his joke, and Babington couldn't hold back either.

"God, I should never have told you about that," Sidney groaned, burying his head in his hands again.

"Come on, you two have been waiting so long, you have no reason to be nervous." Babington tried to calm him down, but he still remembered his own wedding day and smiled knowingly.

Sighing, Sidney straightened and sipped his glass again before swirling the amber liquid around.

"I'm terrified that something will go wrong, that Tom will do something stupid, or that I will stand at the altar and suddenly wake up to see that Eliza will approach me instead of Charlotte."

Babington snorted before placing a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Everything will be fine. I assure you that as soon as you see her, as soon as Charlotte comes through the door, everything will be fine."

"The way here was so difficult, so painful, and the past few weeks have been like a dream, i just want to be worthy of her." Sidney put his glas away, he didn't want the alcohol to cloud his senses.

"Just imagine how nervous she must be." Crowe laughed, and got another glare from Sidney.Defensively, he raised his hands in front of him like a protective shield, but didn't stop laughing."I just mean, she must be afraid of the night, after all she saw your body, which is certainly scary for an innocent woman."

Sidney actually blushed, which made his friends laugh even more, but his stomach cramped at the thought.

Was she really afraid to be alone with him?He didn't hope so, but he wasn't sure either.He was somewhat unsure about the wedding night himself, after all, it had been a long time since he had last been with a woman.It was weeks before he visited Sanditon when he first saw her, so it was really a long time. 

To distract himself from these thoughts, he got up and went to the small table.

"Babington, would you do me a favor?"

Lord Babington moved closer, looked over his shoulder, and saw a little velvet box in Sidney's hand.

"What's this?"

Sidney cleared his throat slightly embarrassed.

“I found and bought it in London. It is a gift to Charlotte and it would be nice if she wore it today.”

"You want me to take it to the Heywood House?"

With a nod, Sidney handed him the box and with a smile his friend set out to bring a present to his bride. 

—- ~ —- 

"Oh Charlotte, you look beautiful."

Mrs. Heywood and Alison had helped her get dressed. 

She hadn't slept very well because she was so nervous.When she woke up at dawn, she had sat on the windowsill to watch the sun rise.

It wasn't long before she saw him, Sidney.He came from the direction of the river, wearing only breeches and a white shirt, and had wet hair.

God, she couldn't understand that he could swim in this weather.After all, there was snow everywhere and it was cold.

She noticed how he stopped and raised his eyes to her window.In order not to be seen, she slid closer to the wall. Maybe he would be able to see her white shirt, but it was unfortunate if the bride and groom saw each other before the wedding.

After a while she leaned forward again and only saw how he crossed the bridge and disappeared between the houses.

To spend christmas with him had been indescribably beautiful.With a small smile she looked at her hand, on which the ring glittered in the early sunshine that he had given her. It was a simple gold ring, but it had a flower made up of several small diamonds and their two initials were engraved on the inside.

_C & S_

It was beautiful, they both cried when he gave it to her and then they kissed without paying attention that her family could see them. 

Now, she thought, it wasn't long before she would meet him at the altar.

A short time later, her mother knocked on the door, a bath was being prepared, and Charlotte was preparing for her wedding.

Her mother and Alison had insisted on sewing her dress themselves, and Sidney had brought the fabric from London exactly as they asked. 

It was a beautiful dress made of flowing muslin, which was covered with a hint of lace and had a seductive butmeasured neckline.

There were so many layers of fabric that Charlotte felt like a princess.

Alison braided her hair, loosely tucked it into a beautiful hairstyle and completed the whole thing with a woven lace ribbon.

When Charlotte was finally able to look at herself in the largest mirror the Heywood family owned, her breath caught.

"Oh mom, it's beautiful. You must have sewed it for hours."

"You deserve it, darling.Your Mr. Parker has selected the best fabrics and you look really beautiful." 

They hugged each other carefully and Charlotte kissed her mother on the cheek.

A soft knock on the door interrupted them and when Esther stuck her head into the room, Charlotte laughed.

"You look great, Charlotte. I'm so happy for you."

Esther had offered to come here early in the morning to help with the preparations.

Slowly she came closer and handed Charlotte a velvet box.

"Here, this is for you. It is a gift from Sidney and he said he would be happy if you wore it today.” 

Charlotte took the box in surprise, she hadn't expected it and immediately her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh ...," she murmured softly as she went to the windowsill to sit down. Carefully, she opened the box, found a folded sheet of paper, and gasped as she took it out to reveal the objects underneath. 

There were earrings and a necklace made of real lavender flowers encased in glass.The purple flowers shone brightly, the jewelry was beautiful, and her sister Alison hardly dared to touch the necklace to put it around her neck.

The pendant landed directly over her cleavage, emphasizing her breasts even more and Charlotte found herself beautiful. 

With trembling fingers, she unfolded the sheet of paper and read what Sidney had written to her. 

_Dearest Charlotte,_

_I saw this jewelry in an admittedly very classy shop in London, shortly after our first walk on the beach together in our summer._

_The scent of lavender was one of the first things I noticed about you._

_I never thought at the time that we would ever be where we are today, but I immediately thought of you when I saw it and had to buy it._

_Today I give it to you on our wedding day._

_I love you, Charlotte, and I'll be waiting for you at the altar._

_Forever Yours, Sidney_

Stunned, Charlotte reached for one of the earrings.She couldn't believe that he had had this gift for so long.

Esther, who had been watching her, smiled - and when her mother, Georgiana and Alison left the room to wait for her downstairs, she leaned closer.

"Are you nervous about tonight?"

Charlotte blushed and couldn't answer. She had thought about it so many times, but since she hardly knew what to expect, she was a little afraid. Not because of Sidney, but because of what was expected of her.

"I know I was nervous back then, but it was completely unnecessary." Esther grinned and Charlotte smiled back at her.

"A little bit yes. I have no experience of these things ...".

"You don't have to be afraid. He'll be gentle because he loves you deeply, ”Esther reassured her, reaching for her hand. "Just trust him."

Charlotte nodded gratefully, the two women hugged each other briefly, and Charlotte stowed Sidney's letter and the velvet box in her luggage that a carriage would later take to her new home. 

Then she took a deep breath to go downstairs. The church of Willingen was on a small hill and Sideny's carriage was waiting in front of the house to take her there.

Her father waited outside, took her hand and looked at her with tears in his eyes.

"You look beautiful, my little girl."

Charlotte kissed his cheek, she cried herself, but with pure happiness.

"Thank you, papa," she whispered softly and her father opened the door to the carriage.

"Are you ready?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. "He's a good man, I don't think we should keep him waiting."

Smiling, Charlotte lifted her skirts with one hand so that she could get into the carriage.

"I'm ready." 

—- ~ —- 

Rigid with tension, Sidney stood in front of the altar and hadn't moved once in the last 5 minutes.His eyes were on the door, and even though he knew his friends and family were laughing at him, he couldn't change it.

He wouldn't calm down until she was here, and he would stare at the door for so long. 

Babington, who was standing next to him, kept putting his hand on his shoulder to assure him that everything would be fine.

"I'm sure she'll be here soon, I just heard the carriage."

Sidney didn't answer, his heart was racing and suddenly he heard the sound of the heavy, old door handle. 

The wooden door opened and when his eyes found Charlotte's, he relaxed and his breathing became calm.

She was here, she came down the aisle towards him and soon this beautiful creature would be his wife.

Mr. Heywood kissed his daughter on the cheek before placing her hand on her future husband's.Sidney had to force himself to give a short nod to his father-in-law, it was really difficult for him to take his eyes off Charlotte.

Throughout the ceremony he held her hand, his voice trembled as he spoke his vows and he couldn't help kissing her hand as he pushed the ring back on her finger.

Charlotte looked back at him all the time, her eyes full of tears,, but she looked incredibly happy. 

They kissed in front of the church doors while their families and friends cheered. It was a gentle, tender kiss that reflected the deep love between the two. 

—- ~ —- 

After dinner, when the small wedding party gathered in the beautifully decorated garden of the Heywood family, with a small wooden stage set up as a dance floor, Tom stepped forward with a bright smile.

"My dear friends, dear family, I was not asked to do so, but I still want to say a toast to the newlyweds."

Crowe moaned playfully, making everyone present who knew him and Tom laugh, but Tom went on steadfastly.Sidney and Charlotte stood close to each other, not really surprised, but a little worried.

“Today is one of the most beautiful ever for the Parker family.Not only does my beloved brother Sidney marry the woman he loves with all his heart, but we also get a sister who has charmed us with her warmth, kindness and spirit from the very start.Now I ask all of you to raise your glass to toast Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Parker.”

Everyone cheered, and while Charlotte laughed brightly, Sidney took a relieved breath.

What his brother said came straight from his heart, and he was grateful to him for it.With furrowed eyebrows, he released his young wife and went to his brother to hug him.

"Thank you, brother," he whispered, and Tom hugged him tight. 

To everyone's surprise, Sidney stopped there, turned to the guests, and cleared his throat quietly.

Charlotte's heart started racing when she saw her husband standing there wondering what he was up to.

Before his courage left him, he closed his eyes briefly to say what he wanted to say. 

"Erm, ... I want ...," Sidney looked very nervous, took a deep breath, and smiled almost shyly."Although it is very difficult for me, since I am more of a brooding breed of man, I would like to say something."

He swallowed, smiled nervously again - his hands didn't seem to stay still and played with his coat - but then he straightened up and looked Charlotte straight in the eye.

"Before I met you for the first time, I was ... lost." He shrugged, a small crooked smile on his lips."I was cold ..., distant, ... lonely, and tried desperately not to let anyone get close to me. But you didn't care."

Charlotte laughed, her eyes shining with unshed tears, but she looked incredibly proud.

She would never have expected Sidney to talk about his feelings for her in front of all these people, and it meant a lot to her.

"You challenged me, made me angry, and for the first time in ... in years, I felt alive again.I fell in love with you without wanting it, and when I finally understood it, I lost you.”

The tears in Charlotte's eyes began to fall, to her surprise she saw his eyes sparkle, his smile grew sad, his voice croaky, but he continued to speak without taking his intense eyes away from her.

"It almost killed me, I didn't manage to rebuild the walls that you tore down bit by bit, and the thought of how much I hurt you ...".

Sidney shook his head slightly and sighed, the thought of how much he had hurt her will weigh on him all his life. Charlotte seemed to feel his pain, came closer and took his nervous hand. He clung to her, smiled gratefully, and spoke quietly.

"A little late, but finally I started to fight for you. And even though I knew I would never deserve you, you forgave me.” Sidney swallowed hard when his emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

"I love you, Charlotte, with everything I am. You are ... you are my counterpart and I will be grateful for your love for the rest of my life."

Charlotte could not stand the tears in his eyes, she pressed her body against his, rose to her toes and pulled his head against her neck. Immediately she felt his strong arms surrounding her, his warmth and the fast beating of his heart.

"I love you Charlotte," Sidney whispered in her hair before gently kissing the soft skin under her ear."I love you."

Charlotte gently lifted his head, gripped his cheeks with her little hands, and wiped away his tears with her thumbs. Smiling she noticed that he was doing the same to her, they looked at each other, overwhelmed by the happiness of the day.

"I love you, Sidney.Thank you for ... thank you.” It was a big gesture that he had said these words in front of all their friends, and Charlotte knew how hard it must have been for him.

As he leaned closer, Sidney's eyes went dark, intense, and his kiss was so tender and sweet that Charlotte could hardly stand upright. 

They only vaguely heard everyone clapping around them, then Tom called for music. It was only when the dance started that they broke apart.Smiling, Sidney led his wife into the middle of the dance floor, pulled her close and held her fingers firmly in his as they danced.

It was a wonderful day, time was going too fast, but not fast enough. 

But then it was time.

"Sidney, Charlotte, your carriage is waiting." It was Babington who came up to them and smiled.

Charlotte got a little nervous, but tried not to show it. She said goodbye to everyone, saw Sidney do the same and her sister Kate hugged him tightly and kissed him on the cheek.

It was so cute to see it, Sidney beamed,then offered his hand to help her into the carriage.

"Are you ready?"

She bit her lip as the carriage drove off. They were on their way to their new life, their life together, and with a happy laugh Charlotte buried her face on her husband's chest.

"Yes I am ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, all of the following - I think another 4 chapters - have specific content for adults, hence the rating E.  
> If you don't want to read what happens when two people make love, you should stop here. 
> 
> I hope everyone else enjoys reading and that you like it.


	20. To feel you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really, really long, but I didn't want to split it up because it included the wedding night.  
> As I said, it definitely has adult content, so definitely NSFW.  
> I’m a little nervous to Post this, so i hope you enjoy it ...

"Are you nervous?"

His soft, dark voice behind her gave goose bumps all over her body.Her inside had been churned up since they entered the house, and Charlotte felt like a fire was burning inside her.

"Maybe ... maybe a little?" She said uncertainly, just looked over her shoulder for a moment to see him leaning against the door frame and had to look away again.

He had taken off his coat and shoes, leaned against the frame barefoot with his arms crossed behind him, and tilted his head slightly to the side as he looked at her with dark, burning eyes.

Her heart fluttered, the heat got worse and she closed her eyes.

God, he looked so incredibly beautiful, he was a gentleman, an influential, respected man and she had no idea what to do.

Would he like her body at all?

Charlotte heard him slowly coming closer, the air changed, the tension almost palpable and when she felt his warmth behind her she breathed in shuddering.

"Don't be afraid, please Charlotte," Sidney whispered softly as he leaned in so that his lips almost touched her ear.

With a slightly proud smile, he saw her shiver, her fingers reached for the window sill to hold on, and Sidney pressed his body closer.

She was so beautiful, he wanted nothing more than to undress her and put her in bed, but he forced himself to move slowly.

So he raised his arms and without a word began to remove the needles from her hair. Slowly and carefully, he loosened one curl after another, watched her shimmering hair fall over her shoulders, and couldn't resist bending down to kiss the soft skin under her ear.

Charlotte gasped as his soft lips touched her, his hands in her hair were incredibly gentle, and she whimpered with relief when her hair was free and her husband slowly pulled his fingertips over her scalp.

Sidney's fingers slid down from her head to the back of her neck, gently sliding her hair over her right shoulder, baring her left side and leaning his head on her shoulder.He gently wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him until she leaned fully against his chest.

Charlotte had never felt as safe and secure as at this moment, she was at home in her husband's arms, that's where she belonged.

"You looked beautiful today, my love. The most beautiful bride ever,” Sidney murmured breathlessly against her neck, his fingers sliding gently over her arms, then they slid onto the soft fabric of her dress and lay on her stomach.

His hands were so big that he covered her completely, his thumbs slid over her ribs, and despite the dress, her skin burned when he touched her.

How about if he touched her bare skin?

"You too, Sidney, I still can't believe that such a handsome man should be mine."

She sounded so stunned that Sidney laughed softly before he started pulling his stubble over her skin.There was a little whimper from her which got louder as his hands slowly began to move up over her body.He paused under her breasts, hesitated for a moment and then slid to her sides to continue up.

"I am yours from the first moment ... until my end."

With his mouth open, Sidney kissed the back of her neck, ran his lips over her neckline, while his fingers found the tiny buttons on her wedding dress.

Slowly he began to loosen the many buttons, sliding his fingertips over her back, which was covered by a thin, soft shirt, while his lips kept sucking gently on the soft skin under her ear or gently sliding over her neck.

The deeper he got, the more his fingers began to tremble, his desire was almost unbearable, and he sighed in relief when he stopped at her lower back.

He hesitantly pushed the heavy fabric apart, but stopped before her sleeves slid over her shoulders.

"Charlotte ...," he breathed, his voice was little more than a hoarse growl, and she knew it should be a question.

She shivered, her heart was racing, but she moved her shoulders so that her dress sank to the floor.

Sidney gasped.She stood in front of him only in a thin, white shirt and silk stockings, the stays must have been worked into the dress and her shape was clearly visible under the almost translucent fabric.

Even though he only saw her back, his body reacted in a way that almost made him lose control.Slowly, he allowed his fingers to clasp her waist, run his hands over her curves, and enjoyed her soft moan.

It was the first time that he was allowed to touch her soft body without her rigid stays and the thick layers of her clothes. His hands trembled with desire as he slid over her hips to her ribs, he would love to wrap her breasts that were finally free of the annoying bars, but he forced himself to wait.

Slowly he leaned forward, inhaled her and heard her take a deep breath as he gently licked his tongue over the soft skin of her neck.

His hot breath hit her skin through the thin fabric of her shirt and Charlotte reached back, gripping his leg so as not to fall.The feeling of his tongue on her was indescribable, as was his slowly wandering hands on her almost naked body.

Hot kisses fell on her neck, to her ear and then over her cheek, Charlotte turned her head to the side to give him better access and whimpered again when Sidney's mouth reached hers.

She turned slightly in his arms, their eyes met for a moment, but Sidney couldn't hold back and grabbed her lips longingly with his.

His kiss was more passionate and deeper than anyone they had shared so far. His tongue was demanding, licked her lower lip and slipped into her mouth to challenge hers. They stroked their tongues and enjoyed each other's taste, and when Charlotte sucked on Sidney's lip, as he had done before, she heard him growl.

Lost in his wife, Sidney's hands closed around the fabric of her shirt as if he wanted to tear the garment off of her, while his strong arms pressed her against his hard body.The kiss left them both breathless, but neither of them withdrew.

Charlotte groaned loudly in Sidney's mouth when she suddenly felt his hand very low on her lower back.His palm gently wrapped her buttock over the thin shirt, lifted her up a little, and pressed her hips against his.

There it was again, that incredibly hard part of him that she had been thinking about since the moment he was so drunk and pressed her against her parents' wall.

The overwhelming desire to see him and explore his body made Charlotte tremble, her fingers buried in his curls slowly sliding over the back of his neck to his throat to undo his tie.

Sidney felt her little hands after loosening his tie and sliding them over his chest to open the buttons on his vest. He had been afraid to push himself into her, but he wanted her to know what she was doing to him.He had never been so aroused in his whole life, never had his desire been so overwhelming, and he had never wanted to touch a woman so much.

Distracted by her task, Charlotte broke the kiss, she breathed heavily, felt Sidney's racing heartbeat under her fingers and knew that he was looking at her.

She swallowed as she slipped his nice vest over his shoulders, looked up at his eyes, and breathed in, startled.

His eyes glowed black, watching her with an intensity that made the strangest parts of her body tingle, but his eyes also made her brave. It seemed he was going to challenge her, and trembling, but determinedly she pushed his black braces over his arms.

He stood still when she took them off, he shivered when her hands grabbed his shirt and slowly pulled it out of his waistband, his muscles tightened and this time he trembled. 

"Ahhh ...".

Sidney groaned softly as Charlotte's fingers slipped under his shirt and lay hot on the soft skin of his back.Slowly, she run her fingers up over his sides, was fascinated by how good he felt, and pushed the bright white shirt up further.

Admiringly, her eyes wandered over his stomach and chest, slowly exposing them, which made his heart stutter. She found it difficult to pull the shirt over his head since she was so small, so Sidney grabbed the cloth and removed the shirt in a quick motion. 

Charlotte could hardly breathe, he was beautiful.

His skin looked soft and velvety, she bit her lip as she put her hands directly on his broad chest and then closed her eyes. It was indescribable to touch him. The picture of him walking naked out of the waves had followed her, and now she was allowed to touch his body. 

"Sidney ...," Charlotte breathed his name as her eyes opened again."You are so incredibly beautiful."

She explored him gently and slowly, sliding over his hot skin, feeling the fine hair on his chest in her palms and went deeper.His abs twitched, hard and firm under her fingertips, and she could feel them flutter as her index finger dipped into his navel.

From there a thicker hairline went down, disappeared under his waistband and as she traced the line, Sidney groaned, suffocated.

All the while he had allowed her to touch and look at him without moving his hands. He was caught looking at her.

The shirt huddled against her curves, her legs, her hips and especially her breasts. He could see tiny, dark nipples pushing easily through the fabric and was about to lose control.

The urge to touch, see and taste her became overwhelming. His hands, which he had clenched into fists on his sides, gently wrapped around her waist so that he could pull her closer to his body. Their eyes met, and as Sidney leaned forward to kiss her with tender passion, his hands went up.

Hesitating so as not to scare her, he moved his hands up to under her arms so that his thumbs could lightly touch her round, full breasts.

Charlotte shivered, his thumbs drew soft circles on the swelling of her breasts and she completely forgot to explore him further. All she could do was hold on to him, bend towards him, and moan softly into his mouth.

It seemed to drive him crazy because his kiss became harder as his fingers moved to the bow on her shirt.Slowly he opened the knot and pulled back to see the fabric fall apart. 

The sight of her was so seductive that he had to close his eyes briefly.

"God, ... Charlotte," he whispered, lifting his eyes back to her face, knowing that he couldn't hold back much longer."Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

She didn't know, but could see his eyes go black with emotion.

"No ...," Charlotte breathed with a smile, heard him gasp and pulled the soft curls on the back of his neck. 

She was so adorable virgin, but at the expression of pure desire and admiration in her eyes, his reluctance disappeared.

With a suppressed sigh, he sank to his knees, grabbed her legs, and slowly let his hands slide up over her stockings.

Charlotte swayed, surprised by his sudden movement and unexpected position.

Looking for a hold, her hands gripped his hair more tightly, she pulled only slightly, yet he growled again and his face almost touched the fabric of her shirt.His heavy breaths moved the thin material just above her navel as his hands went higher and higher.

Panting, she felt how he found the soft skin on her thighs and the bows that held her stumps.He loosened them slowly, rolled her silk stockings down, and ran his fingers over the sensitive skin.

Charlotte felt she could no longer stand up straight.His touch in those places made her burn, she wanted more, though she didn't know what it was going to be.

Sidney lovingly raised her feet, releasing her stockings one by one, then straightening up on his knees to embrace her middle with his arms.

For a moment he pressed his face against her shirt, at the level of her belly, and took a deep breath.Her scent was overwhelming, full of desire he kissed her on the fabric of her shirt directly on her navel and heard her hiss softly.

"Sidney ...".

He looked up at her, but she had closed her eyes, opened her lips slightly and he was completely lost.

Without any effort, he got up, grabbed her lips in a burning kiss, and let his hands go over her back to her shoulders.

There he took hold of the fabric but did not pull yet, but released her mouth and searched her eyes. 

"May I?"

His voice barely worked, it was just a hoarse croak, but it made her body shiver.

Charlotte swallowed, knowing what he meant, a little unsure of how he would find her body, but nodded slightly embarrassed.

Slowly and gently, Sidney pulled on her shirt, slipped it over her shoulders, and groaned as it fell to a heap on the floor.

His wife stood in front of him naked and beautiful, lit by the evening sun, trembling and with red cheeks.

It was almost too much.

His breath was jerky as he glanced over her and absorbed every little thing.

There was another birthmark just below her right collarbone, her breasts were big and full, but beautifully round with small, dark nipples that stretched hard against him.

Her belly was slim, the skin white, almost translucent, and her hips a little rounder.Sidney swallowed hard as his gaze went deeper, towards the soft, dark and, to his surprise, short, curly hair between her legs.

Groaning and with trembling fingers, he lightly touched her waist, her bare skin hot and velvety, while his eyes slid back to hers. 

Charlotte had watched him, could see how he seemed to like her body, and found that his admiring eyes made her react in a way she didn't know.

Her breasts ached, her nipples grew hard as if to challenge him to touch her, and it seemed to be burning between her legs.

When he touched her, she staggered, overwhelmed by the sensations, and when their eyes met, she saw nothing but pure love in his eyes.

"Charlotte, you are ... you are so beautiful," he murmured breathlessly, covering her face with both hands and kissing her gently but only briefly.

She sighed when Sidney suddenly picked her up, one arm behind her back, the other under her knees, and slowly carried her to his - or rather, their - bed. 

Incredibly tender, he put her on the pillows and sheets while kneeling on the mattress.But Charlotte held him tight, her fingers tight around his neck, and pulled him down with her.

They both groaned as his bare chest touched hers, full skin contact sent sparks through their bodies and Charlotte unconsciously arched up to feel more of him.

Their lips met, sinking in a slow, passionate kiss, while Charlotte's hands hungrily slid over his back to the waistband of his pants.

Sidney's senses were completely focused on his wife, there was nothing else, just her.He felt her breasts against his skin and could not stand it any longer.

He lifted himself up a little with one arm while his other hand began to slide from her hair to her neck.

She shivered under his fingers, which gently slid over her collarbone before moving further down.Slowly, infinitely slowly, his fingertips reached the swelling of her breast, Charlotte whimpered, her hand, which was in his hair, fell on the mattress and Sidney couldn't resist watching her.

As his fingers traced the curve of her breast, he looked at her. The small crease between her eyebrows deepened, her lips opened and Sidney smiled slightly.She looked so adorable.

Then his eyes slid to his fingers and his smile disappeared. His desire took control, but her deep moan showed him that she enjoyed it.

His hot, big palm completely encircled her breast and stroked it gently as his head slowly lowered.

Panting, Charlotte's eyes opened as she felt his lips on her.As light as a feather he kissed the soft skin on her chest, his hand felt incredible on her and when she felt his finger, which stroked her nipple very gently, she gasped.

She hadn't known she could experience such feelings, but she wasn't prepared for what followed.

Slowly his mouth slid ever deeper, moist and warm, his lips slid over the flesh of her breast, it let it rise up to him, but when his soft lips closed around her hard nipple, she called his name softly.

"Sindey ...". 

Sidney groaned, her tiny nipple was so hard, he gently sucked it into his mouth and pressed the tip of his tongue against it.Charlotte's reaction made him more and more greedy, wanting to absorb every sound, every whimper of her.

Her nails dug hard on the back of his neck as he opened his mouth and licked slow, wet circles around her nipple with his tongue.Sidney growled, deep and rough, sucking on her full breast, sliding his open mouth to the other side, trying to put as much of her in his mouth as possible.

This time he sucked her nipple harder, Charlotte moaned loudly and tried to push against his hard body.

What he did to her made her body burn, especially between her legs, and she had no idea what it meant.

"This feels so good, dear, do you know how many times I've dreamed of this?" muttered Sidney softly as he slowly rubbed his lips over her nipple, his heavy breaths tingling her skin, her nipple getting harder andCharlotte could only mumble incoherently when she felt his tongue again. 

To his delight, Sidney saw her hips rise, she was searching for him, but his body was next to hers.He gently pushed his still clothed leg between hers, he was sure that she would feel him hard on her thigh and only slightly spread her.

Charlotte didn't resist, wishing the hard spot on him would press against the aching flesh between her legs, but her breath caught as his hand moved down her ribs and belly.

"I want to feel you, Charlotte," Sidney breathed tonelessly, lifting his head and looking for her eyes.She looked at him, slightly blurred, but with enough confidence in him that he kissed her lips tenderly.

His fingers gently slid over her hips, over the side of her leg to her knee, from where he stroked up the inside of her thigh.

Her soft skin twitched under his touch, Charlotte's eyes closed, her head fell back, and Sidney started to stroke her breast with his mouth again.

Then he reached the point where her legs met.So slowly that it was almost torture, he put his flat hand on her most intimate part and buried his fingertips into the soft hair.He felt how hot she was, tried to calm down a little and looked down as he gently ran his index finger over her still closed folds.

Charlotte's whole body trembled, she shivered, but unconsciously opened her legs a little further for him, which made Sidney's cock even harder. 

He felt her moisture, she was wet - for him.

Sidney couldn't hold back, he didn't want to. His finger slid into her slit, followed by a second, gently caressing the sensitive, soft skin and was pleased to hear Charlotte whimper his name.The sound of it was incredibly arousing, sensual and seductive, slowly he circled the little pearl that contracted under his fingers and smiled as Charlotte pressed her face against his shoulder.

Her moan was loud and out of control, Sidney tried to see her face, but she was hiding on the back of his neck. So his gaze slid back over her bare, beautiful body to his fingers in her most intimate place.

For a moment he removed his hand from her center, slid on her thigh, and gently pushed her leg further to the side.

Charlotte wailed as his fingers left her, the feelings he triggered in her overwhelmed her.She knew that her cheeks were burning with shame because she was completely exposed to him, but also with desire and arousal.

It was exhilarating how he touched her, so she didn't resist when he spread her leg to the side.Slowly his fingers slid back over her thigh to the place where it throbbed so painfully, but this time he gently pressed against her entrance.

"Do you feel how wet you are, Charlotte?" Sidney growled muffled, his mouth on her breast again and his voice vibrated warmly through her.She couldn't answer, just whimpered as he gently circled her opening with two fingers, spreading her wetness in her slit and gently pressing against her now pulsating nub.

"You're so wet," he murmured again, completely fascinated, and looked down again."Just for me." 

Shivering with lust, Sidney watched his finger dip into her opening.Only to the first joint, he didn't want to hurt her under any circumstances.

When Charlotte called his name and her head fell back on the bed, he looked at her. Her mouth was slightly open, she looked at him with a blurry look and her hand tightened in his hair.

"Oh ...," she breathed softly as Sidney's finger slowly slid further into her, the feeling of having part of him inside was indescribable and when he brushed against her inner walls, she pulled his head towards her,to moan into his mouth.

Sidney's own hips pressed against her leg, it made him wild when she used him to suppress her noises and he kissed her hard and hungry.

He moved his finger cautiously, her wetness made it easy, and as she broke away from him to moan again, he knew she liked it.

"Dear, can you take another one?" He whispered, pressing a second finger against her opening."It's so nice to feel you like this."

Again she could only whimper, her back arched, so Sidney shoved his second finger into her and moved them both together.

Charlotte moved unconsciously with his movements, her inside contracted into a hot ball and when Sidney managed to press his thumb on her aching pearl, she exploded.

Fascinated, Sidney watched his innocent wife fell apart under his fingers, she came undone loudly, clung desperately to him and to the overwhelming desire inside him he felt a great sense of pride.

Proud that this incredible woman was his, proud that she trusted him so much, and proud that he could make her experience such feelings.

Her walls tugged at his fingers, so Sidney stopped his movements, but stayed inside her. He kissed her face, neck and breasts gently and tenderly until her breathing calmed and her body stopped trembling.

She blushed when her eyes met his, opened her mouth but didn't know what to say.Sidney seemed to feel it, kissed her lips lovingly, and then looked at her with an expression that made her heart skip a beat.

"I love you."

He sounded so sincere, so overwhelmed with emotion, that Charlotte closed her eyes and pressed herself against him.With a sigh, Sindey put his torso on hers, grabbed her lips and kissed her deeply.

It wasn't until he pulled his fingers out of her that Charlotte raised his head with her hands to look at him.

"What did you do to me?" She asked shyly, noticing his proud smile."My whole inside has exploded?"

“That's how it should be when a man loves his wife, Charlotte.I swore to worship you with my body.To see that I can give you something like this ... to see you like this ... ". 

Timidly, Charlotte's fingers stroked his back until she met his pants again.He was still clothed, but she was completely naked.She longed to look at him, so she gathered all the courage she had.

"May ..., may I see you like this, too?" She asked quietly."Naked, I mean."

She blushed again, which was incredibly adorable, but Sidney's body shivered.He swallowed before nodding slightly.

"Of course," he replied in a rough voice."If you want to."

"Y ... yes." She whispered, cleared her throat and tried again."Yes." 

Breathing heavily, Sidney sat up, stood in front of the bed and couldn't help but admire her naked form.But Charlotte's eyes were on his body, she was sitting on the mattress, her legs under her and sliding close to the edge.

Her eyes burned into his skin and he hesitantly reached for the buttons on his pants.He was so hard that his cock pressed clearly through the fabric, he saw how Charlotte's eyes got stuck to the bulge and swallowed hard.She bit her lip, she breathed as hard as he did, which made her breasts stand out.

"Would you like to ... do you want to do this?" The uncertain croak in his voice gave goose bumps to Charlotte's body and her breasts started to pull painfully again.

Nodding, she looked briefly into his eyes, which glowed black and intense, then straightened up a little to reach for the buttons on his pants. 

When her fingers accidentally ran across the hard bulge, the object beneath it twitched and Charlotte gasped in fascination.She did it again, this time more deliberately, running her fingers carefully over the hard spot and heard Sidney groan deeply.

She knew it was his cock, after all she had a whole bunch of brothers, but she had never seen this part of the male body exactly, certainly not as hard and apparently huge as Sidney was now.

Slowly she opened one button at a time, his pants loosened and finally slipped over his hips.Her fingers trembled as she pushed the heavy black fabric down and held her breath when she finally saw him.

Sidney had to hold on to the bedpost, it was a pain to feel her hands so close.Breathless, he watched her eyes widen as his pants fell to the floor and he smiled as she hastily reached for him as he pulled back slightly to throw away the cloth.

Charlotte put her hands around his legs and feared he would turn away. 

"Sidney ...," she murmured softly, looking up at him and he saw the fascination and surprise in her eyes."You're ... big," she whispered with red cheeks. Though she had no direct comparison, yet she instinctively knew that its length and girth were enormous.

He was hard, so hard, stood up straight, his tip red and wet, while the darker skin of his cock looked velvety.Dark veins ran along its length and stretched the almost transparent skin.

Unable to speak, Sidney just looked at her.

Slowly her fingers slid over his leg to the small hill on his hip, he shivered, goose bumps ran over his body and Charlotte watched his cock twitch.

She wanted to touch him so much, ran her hand down over the dark hair like before, but this time she went much deeper.

Her fingertip gently slid to the base of his dick, this time Sidney whimpered until she finally touched him.His eyes closed, he had to tense every muscle so as not to lose control when her narrow hand closed around his cock and gently slid up to its tip. 

"You ... you have to tell me if I do something wrong." Charlotte's shy voice broke through the fog in his brain, but her hand which held him made it difficult for him to concentrate.

He groaned, half a growl, raised one leg to support his weight on the bed and to find a hold.

"That ... that's ...," he didn't know what to say, it was beautiful.

Charlotte looked up, saw the lost expression on his face, and smiled. With her thumb, she circled his red, sensitive tip, felt his moisture as she closed her fingers around him.

His strength seemed to leave him, he swayed, completely lost in her touch.

Slowly she pushed her closed hand back down, slid its entire length and traced the thick veins with her fingers.Her other hand caressed his leg, then went back to lie on his bare buttocks.

"Charlotte ...". 

The proud feeling inside her, when he reacted to her touch made Charlotte's heart race, his moans grew louder the more she stroked his cock until he seemed to get even bigger.

It was too much, her touch indescribable, and before he lost control he wrapped her little hand in his own.

"Charlotte, you are killing me," he muttered hoarsely, completely breathless and his eyes met hers.They seemed to be burning into her soul, her body ached for him and slowly she ran her hand from his buttocks over his muscular belly and ribs.

"Please, I want ..., I want to be inside you, make you mine and give myself to you." Sidney swallowed, his desire overwhelming.

Charlotte nodded shyly, but was reluctant to let him go when he leaned down and kissed her hungrily.

Sidney gently pushed her down onto the bed, watched her shiver on her back, and knelt at the end of the mattress.

Charlotte was suddenly nervous, how was he supposed to fit her, as big as he was?He was a lot thicker than his two fingers, and she had felt the stretch there already. 

All thoughts disappeared from her head as Sidney leaned forward and lowered his mouth to her.

He started on her left ankle, placed sweet kisses on her skin, switched to her other leg at the level of her knee, and slowly moved up over her thigh.He pushed his broad upper body further and further between her legs, spreading her further and further, which was shameful and arousing at the same time.

Charlotte gasped as she felt his tongue paint soft patterns on the soft skin of her inner thigh, closer and closer to her center.

Her hips rose unconsciously, her smell was intoxicating and Sidney couldn't help but press his nose into the soft curls. At the same time, he also ran the fingers of his left hand over her leg until he reached the warmth of her folds.

She was still wet, she moaned when his fingers touched her, and the temptation was too great for Sidney.

He gently kissed her fragrant curls, her thigh and finally her folds.He tasted her on his lips - sweet and absolutely intoxicating - and opened his mouth. 

Overwhelmed by what he did, the gentle kisses he put on her body, Charlotte was unable to think clearly.She only felt the touch of her husband, the heat inside, but when she felt his lips part and gently sip her folds, her breath caught.

The moan from her mouth was loud, but she screamed softly as his tongue licked hot and wet through her slit.

"Sidney ...".

Charlotte gasped, straightened up slightly, and met his sparkling eyes when he looked up, and noticed the breathtaking smile on his face.

She tasted like heaven, Sidney would have liked to continue, but his desire threatened to overwhelm him.His cock pulsed and hurt, he had to feel her on him, so he slowly crawled up her body.

With an open mouth, he kissed her belly, ribs, and then sucked on her breasts until she couldn't stand it and pulled him up.

They looked at each other as Sidney carefully placed his weight on her, feeling him so close was incredible and Charlotte dug her fingers into his hair.

"I love you, Sidney," she whispered softly, kissed his lips tenderly, and then smiled shyly."Your fingers make me burn, your lips, your mouth ...".She hesitated, uncertain whether it was as nice for him as it was for her.

"Do you like that?To touch me?” Her voice was so quiet, so nervous.

Sidney covered her face with his hands, leaned his forehead against hers and breathed shakily.

"You have no idea ...," he murmured breathlessly, searching for the right words."It's beautiful, Charlotte.Your soft, warm body, your velvety skin, your smell ... your taste. To give you pleasure with my fingers, my lips - with my whole body - is indescribable.I've never felt that way ... ".

To show her what he meant, he moved his hips slightly, pressed his hard cock against her middle, and gasped when her moisture hit him.

Charlotte also whimpered, closed her eyes and lifted her body towards him.

"I've never been so hard - just for you ...," Sidney breathed before catching her mouth in a hungry, eager kiss. 

Again he moved cautiously against her, his hand sliding over her breasts, her ribs up to her waist, slid under her and gripped her butt.Instinctively, Charlotte spread her legs even further, Sidney moved, pulled away from her mouth when his tip touched her opening, and searched for her eyes.

"I want you ...," he whispered breathlessly, and moved slowly and hesitantly as Charlotte bored her nails lightly into his shoulder.

"Oh ... oh Sidney."

He gently and slowly entered her, Charlotte felt his thick cock stretch her, the feeling new but not uncomfortable.

Her breath quickened the deeper he came, and Sidney stopped, afraid of hurting her.

"Charlotte ... you're so tight, I don't want to hurt you." He kissed her face tenderly, but Charlotte shook her head.

"You don't hurt me," she murmured, grabbing his butt and pressed him further.She winced, a brief, sharp pain flooded her, but was quickly covered by the incredible feeling of him - Sidney - deep inside her.

After Charlotte relaxed again, Sidney pushed completely into her with a single movement, she moaned enthusiastically, just as he had hoped, lifted her hips and pulled on his hair.

She was incredibly tight, the feeling indescribable, he kissed her again, caressed her lips with his tongue and breathed heavily.

"We're one, Sidney," whimpered Charlotte, overwhelmed, but then couldn't speak when he started to move.

Sidney slowly and gently pulled back, then carefully pushed himself into her heat again and looked at her all the time.

Again and again, deep and demanding, he moved inside her, Charlotte's hips rose against his thrusts, she groaned his name, clung to him and brought tears to his eyes.

She was his wife, was lying under him, in their bed while their bodies moved together.

"Sidney," she screamed loudly, her inside contracted and her walls closed around his pulsating, sensitive cock.

With her eyes closed, she bent back as he thrusted into her faster and harder, his own moans getting louder, but their eyes met when Charlotte fell apart.

She came undone, intense and long-lasting, her whole body trembled, she felt his hard length inside of her and suddenly something hot shot against her walls.

Sidney fell himself, he came hard, thrust into her powerfully and poured trembling and pulsating into her warmth.

The way he said her name, a rough, hoarse growl, made Charlotte shiver again, waves of pure joy rushed through her, leaving her completely breathless and weak. 

Sindey collapsed weakly, buried his head in his wife's hair, and tried to breathe again.She held him tight, stroked his trembling body and wrapped her legs around him.

He could have stayed like this forever, but he knew he was too heavy for her.

Without letting go of her or pulling back from her inside, he rolled to his side, pulled her warm boneless body close to him and wrapped her in his arms.

"We are one, Charlotte," Sidney whispered, his face directly in front of her, his eyes shining and his smile as open and happy as never before.

Charlotte smiled too, kissed his lips tenderly and shoved her fingers back into his hair."I belong to you ...," she mumbled sleepily before burying her face on his neck."And you belong to me."

Wrapped tightly around each other, illuminated by the evening sun, they fell asleep, naked, happy and one.


	21. To learn each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many thanks for your loving and kind comments.   
> It's nice that you like my story, thank you all for reading.

Charlotte awoke with an absolute feeling of secureness.

Her head rested on Sidney's warm chest, just below his chin, her hand buried on the back of his neck while his arms held her.

He lay slightly on his side, facing her body, one hand on her lower back, the other holding her leg, which she had pushed over his.

When Charlotte opened her eyes, she saw that the sun was just rising.The soft light that fell through the windows of her new bedroom illuminated his naked body and made his skin shimmer with a velvety glow.

He was still asleep, his chest rose and fell with calm breaths and Charlotte allowed herself to look at him closely.

His beautiful face looked completely relaxed - unlike the last time she saw him sleeping - he looked younger and his lips twisted slightly as if he were smiling.The stubble on his cheeks was thicker, he looked rougher, and Charlotte had to admit that she liked it. She also liked the sight of his tangled, dark curls that she knew it were her hands that had disheveled them so much.

She wanted to run her fingers over his stubble to trace the sharp line of his jaw, but she didn't want him to wake up. So she let her eyes wander further, over his throat to his broad chest and strong shoulders.

Gently, she put her lips on his soft skin, it was just too tempting.

Sidney shivered, his hand on her leg pulling her closer, but he didn't wake up.

Slowly, Charlotte's gaze slid down over his ribs to his clearly visible abdominal muscles.Her fingertips tingled at the sight of the dark hair going down there in a line, and this time she held out her hand carefully.

She touched him only slightly, but his body reacted and his muscles twitched. Slowly, her fingers slid down over his hair, dipped briefly into his navel, and then stopped uncertainly.

She had reached the edge of the sheets, his lower body was covered, but she also wanted to look at that part of him. So she moved her leg slightly, felt his fingers release her, and pulled the blanket down.Bit by bit, she exposed him, first the dark hair grew thicker, then she saw his cock and finally his thighs were free of the blanket.

He was softer than yesterday when she saw him, but still big and still harder than when he climbed out of the cold water in Sanditon.

She looked at him curiously, his strong legs, the small hills on his hips, but again and again her eyes moved back to his center.

She couldn't help it, her hand moved by itself and her fingertips dipped into the soft, dark curls.

Sidney tried not to moan, although it was insanely difficult.

Her soft, warm lips on his chest had woken him up.He enjoyed the feeling of her naked body against his, wanted to caress her, but he also wanted to give her the opportunity to look at him without hesitation.When she slowly moved her leg down to pull the blanket off him, he let go of her, her curiosity about his body made his heart race, and he hoped she wouldn't hear it.

He could literally feel her looking at him, which slowly made him hard, and then he felt her gentle fingers.

Innocently at first on his stomach, they now slid deeper and his arousal grew.

Reluctantly and slowly, Charlotte first put her hand on his thigh, but as his cock became harder and bigger, she touched the velvety skin of his length.

This time Sidney groaned, it was impossible to stop the noise and Charlotte looked up.

She blushed when she noticed he was watching her, but the look in his eyes made her shiver.Again his eyes were almost black, his lips were slightly open, and without breaking eye contact, she enclosed his now completely hard and erect length with her hand.

"Charlotte ...," he murmured breathlessly, his hand sliding over her back to her hair and gently pulling her head towards him to kiss her hungry and deeply.

She whimpered when his lips met hers, received his searching tongue with desire, but just kept holding him.

Her tiny hand on him drove him crazy, with both hands he grabbed her sweet, bare bottom and slowly pulled her onto his body.

Charlotte gasped in surprise in his mouth, released him, and leaned her hands left and right of his head on the mattress to look at him.

The sensations that shot through her when she was lying on top of his strong body were indescribable.His hands slid from her butt to her thighs to spread them so that she was straddling him, causing her to groan deeply.She felt him hard against her, pressed herself down on him, but when Sidney dipped between her legs with one hand, she lowered her head to suppress her noises on his neck.

His fingers slid gently into her slit from behind, he could feel how wet she was and slowly pushed two of his fingers into her entrance.

"Charlotte, am I hurting you?" He asked slightly hoarsely, raising her head with his other hand so that she looked at him. "Are you sore?"

Her eyes were only half open, she bit her lip and shook her head.She was so indescribably seductive, her naked little body on top of him and Sidney's tongue licked her lower lip before she pushed her tongue into his mouth.

As he slowly moved his fingers inside her and searched for her delicate pearl with his thumb, he reached for her breast with his other hand. Her nipple was hard, he rolled it between his fingertips and broke the kiss to suck her other nipple into his mouth.

Moaning, Charlotte sat upright on him, put her hands on his chest and closed her eyes to focus on her husband's touch. It was almost too much. 

"Sidney ...," she murmured again and again, she whimpered as his fingers disappeared from her inside, but then she felt his strong hands on her hips.

He lifted her so that the tip of his cock slid between her folds and groaned in relief as he slowly entered her damp warmth.

Their eyes met as Charlotte sank onto his length, it was exhilarating how much he filled her and the sight of her took his breath away.

"You feel so incredibly good, Charlotte," Sidney whispered, running his hands hungrily over her body.

"Oh Sidney." Charlotte barely knew what to do, but instinctively moved her hips to ride him and groaned suffocated.

To help her, Sidney gripped her hips, raised and lowered her on his hard cock, but let her set the pace and enjoyed looking at her.As she moved faster, he grabbed her breast with one hand, lifted it to his face, and sucked hard on her nipple.

Charlotte screamed softly, dropped onto him and breathed uncontrollably, her whole body trembled.With quick, hard thrusts Sidney continued to penetrate her until they both climaxed and fell over the edge. 

For a long time she just lay on top of him, while Sidney's fingers painted gentle patterns on her back.

"I love you," Sidney whispered, kissed her head and hugged her tightly.

Happily, Charlotte finally lifted her head out of his neck and kissed his mouth gently.

"I love you too, Sidney." When she looked at him, she blushed, which made her look all the more charming.

"Is ... is that ... allowed?" She asked hesitantly."I mean, all I knew about the things that happen in themarriage bed is that they happen at night and in the dark, but ...".

She broke off uncertainly, how could she tell him what she thought?

But Sidney seemed to know, sat up without difficulty, took her body with him and pulled her tightly onto his lap.He was still inside her, she could feel him stiffen again and her breath quickened.

“What happens between the two of us is nobody's business. I don't care what is said. I am yours and you are mine and whenever you want me I will be there. I will not only make love to you in this bed, but wherever we like it, I will sleep next to you every night and I will take you on all my business trips as long as you want it. I want to share my life with you and I hope you want the same."

Charlotte gently wrapped his face, felt his thick stubble in her palms and kissed him passionately.Tears stung her eyes as she breathlessly leaned her forehead against his, she felt him deep and hard inside of her, and spoke while her lips still touched his.

"I wouldn't want anything different, Sidney.And whenever you want me, I will take you in ... ". 

She groaned as he laid her on her back, shoved her fingers into his hair and wrapped her legs around him. 

—- ~ —- 

Every day she learned one more detail about her husband, and she enjoyed every second of it.

She learned that he loved to be pressed against her in the morning with tired eyes and tangled hair, she learned that he liked to only have breakfast with her in shirt and pants and she learned that his dark eyes or the sound of his deep voice was enough to make her want him.

She also learned that Sidney was loving and caring, that he liked to carry her in his arms, and that he loved to watch her. When she bathed, it was he who washed her hair, he undressed her every night and enjoyed learning her clothes to help her. 

In the first weeks of their marriage, they avoided other people as much as possible, they walked for hours, sat in the living room in front of the fireplace, read books to each other or just spoke quietly.

It wasn't until the day the Theater opened that they couldn't hide from the other residents of the town, and Charlotte prepared for the evening with the utmost care.

It would be her first appearance as Mrs. Sidney Parker and she wanted to be beautiful for him.

She knew she had succeeded when she came down the stairs where Sidney was waiting for her in the hallway.His eyes shone with admiration, he had to swallow hard and bowed slightly to her.

"You look beautiful, Mrs. Parker," he whispered, kissing her lips tenderly.

"You look good too. I will never get used to the fact that my husband is so outrageously handsome.”

Laughing, he kissed her again, wrapped her arm around his and led her outside where their carriage was waiting. 

—-~—- 

"Look who actually left the house." Georgiana had arrived with Mary and Tom, she laughed and seemed to be comfortable."We thought you two wouldn't leave your bed at all."

"Georgiana," Sidney scolded, but the expression on his face betrayed him, while Charlotte blushed deeply.

"I'm glad to have moved in with Mary and Tom. The house is so lively and full of laughter, it's really nice there.”

Sidney knew Georgiana didn't mean anything bad and he was glad that she seemed to have found a place where she was happy.

"I'm glad that you like it there."

Before Charlotte could say anything, they heard Lady Denham behind them and both winced slightly.

"Mr. Parker, Mrs. Parker, what a surprise to see you both here. I would have congratulated you two on your wedding earlier, but you two were obviously hidin.”

Sidney bowed tightly without letting go of Charlotte and thanked politely.Then Lady Denham turns to Charlotte.

“So you did find a husband in Sanditon. What a surprise. Unfortunately, he's not that rich anymore, but his good looks will surely comfort you.”

Charlotte gasped, blushed with anger, and stared at the older lady.

"I found the love of my life in Sanditon, Lady Denham, everything else doesn't matter at all."

"Yes, yes, calm down, girl. I'm just teasing you. You chose the best Parker brother, and I wish you both every happiness.” Lady Denham laughed, turned to Tom and Sidney and Charlotte both sighed in relief.

Just as Sidney pressed Charlotte's hand to his lips, they heard Lady Susan laughing brightly.

"Oh what a joy to see you both like this."

She hugged both of them, held Charlotte's hands in hers, and leaned closer.

"I told you I have a sense of love and I knew the moment he asked you to dance at Mrs. Maudslys Ball that he hopelessly succumbed to you."

Charlotte beamed with joy, the two women talked about the wedding, while Sidney was content to stand half a step behind his wife and put his hand on her back.

But suddenly he stiffened, the person he saw was the last one he wanted to see again and her voice made his inside freeze.

"Sidney, this small, sandy town is becoming more and more popular for a short escape from beautiful London." Eliza Campion's voice was loud, she probably intended to alert the people around her of her familiarity with this man, but Lady Susan immediately put an end to it.

"Mrs. Campion, it's nice to see you here, but I think it's inappropriate to call a newly married man by his first name while you don't even greet his wife.” 

There was silence for a moment, then Eliza laughed shrilly.

"Oh, of course, please forgive me." Her face was freezing cold, but she forced herself to be polite."Mrs.Parker, Mr. Parker, congratulations. Now we should all admire this wonderful building and hope for a successful evening.”

Without waiting for an answer, she nodded stiffly and turned.

"Are you okay?" Sidney's low voice in her ear made a shiver run down her back and Charlotte leaned closer to his warm body.She was grateful for his hand on her back, which assured her that he belonged to her and took a deep breath.

"Yes ..., yes, I'm fine." She turned to him, smiled reassuringly at him but her breath caught as he leaned forward to kiss her lips gently.

It was absolutely inappropriate in public, she heard Lady Susan chuckle and Lady Denham's indignant snort, but Sidney didn't care.

"Sidney," hissed Tom, reaching for his brother's arm. "Please control yourself."

With a forced smile, Sidney looked up and growled softly.

"I will kiss my wife whenever I want, and I'm sure I won't ask you for permission." 

Lady Susan laughed, God, she loved being in Sanditon and decided to finally build her vacation home here.

"Mr. Parker, I think I would like to build a House here, can you show me some suitable places tomorrow?"

With a happy wink at Charlotte and Sidney, she led Tom away, whose head was bright red, and involved him in a conversation.

"Thank you, Sidney," Charlotte said softly and clutched his hand.

"For what?" Frowning Sidney looked at her, holding her closer to himself than appropriate, but didn't care again.

"For loving me," she replied with a smile. "And for being next to me and not leaving me alone with this horde."

Sidney smiled softly, kissed her again before leading her to their seats.

"I won't let go of your hand once, my love."

And he didn't. He held her tight all evening, carried her out of their carriage to their bedroom late at night, and slowly and carefully undressed her before placing her in bed. She fell asleep with her head on his naked chest. 

—- ~ —- 

Two days later, Sidney came into their bedroom with a letter in his hand, where Charlotte was sitting on the windowsill, watching the sunset.

"What's that?" She asked as he leaned against the wall and held the letter in front of him.

"This is a letter from the Captain of the _Violet_.She will leave the port in three days and I wrote to him and asked if he would have room for two more passengers.” 

Charlotte got up, looked at him questioningly and Sidney smiled.

"That is his answer. He writes that he would vacate his cabin for this trip and that it would be an honor for him to take the new Mrs. Parker across the sea.”

"What?" Charlotte put her hands over her mouth in disbelief, but she couldn't hide a laugh. 

Sidney sighed, his face serious, and he grabbed her shoulders.

"It is not the journey that I would have liked to take with you. The _Violet_ is a merchant ship, its destination is Spain and Italy and we will only be traveling for about a month, but it is at least a small part of the world, something I can afford and something I would like to show you."

Laughing loudly, Charlotte threw herself into his arms, rose to her tiptoes, and hugged him tightly.

"Oh Sidney, that's incredible. I've never been to a port, never been on a ship, and never been to a foreign country. Thank you, thank you, thank you for doing this with me. The _Violet_ is your ship and I am honored to be her passenger.”

Sidney picked her up and slowly spun himself with her in his arms while he kissed her.

"She is our ship, Charlotte.I'll tell you everything I know about our destinations, and I've persuaded Captain Peters to stay in the ports longer so we can explore everything we want.” 

That same evening they lay on the floor in front of the fireplace and looked in the atlas to see which route the ship would take.

A whole month, just both of them. Charlotte knew she would enjoy every second of it. 


	22. In his study

It was late, but Sidney was still sitting in his study.

The one month he had spent traveling with his wife now had to be paid. Arthur hadn't been able to fully assert himself against Tom, which meant there were several minor issues.

Thank God nothing particularly big, but it meant a lot of work.

The time alone with Charlotte had been wonderful.He had enjoyed watching her enthusiasm so much.As they reached the port in Portsmouth where the _Violet_ would be loaded, she had simply stopped with wide eyes for a while to watch hustle and bustle.

When they boarded the ship, the crew greeted them with respect and joy.Apparently the men were really happy to take them on this trip.

Captain Peters had kept his word and cleared the only lockable cabin on the ship to leave to them, and Sidney was grateful for that.

As expected, the sea was a bit rough at this time of year and Sidney felt uncomfortable after a short time.He expected that, but it still annoyed him.

Charlotte didn't mind the rough sea at all and she looked after him lovingly.She never left his side, not even when he emptied his stomach over the rail.

"You have sailed across the sea several times, several times the distance to Antigua, and you are getting so terribly ill?" Charlotte asked surprised when she put Sidney's head in her lap to gently massage his scalp.

Sidney just grunted, closed his eyes, and enjoyed being close to her.

“It's only so bad when the sea is so rough.I hope it gets better the further south we go."

He spoke softly with his eyes closed and Charlotte smiled gently at him.She found it incredibly intimate to see him so vulnerable, and it was a relief for her that he showed himself to her like that.

"How did you make it to Antigua?"

"The first time was terrible. I was half dead when I arrived. At that time there was the withdrawal of alcohol and ..., and opium cigars.I could barely get off the ship myself, but I think that was exactly what saved me. After that I never smoked opium again, and I drank very little in Antigua. Back then Georgiana's father helped me a lot, I will be grateful for it forever.”

Now he looked up, looked into his wife's eyes, and wondered what she would think of him.But she looked at him lovingly, leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"Before you came to Sanditon in the fall, I thought about leaving again. I thought maybe it would help me to leave England. But I hesitated because it was already autumn and because I was afraid of the crossing.And then you stood in front of me in the hallway of Trafalger House ... ".

They shared a long look until the ship rocked with a big wave and Sidney groaned, closed his eyes and curled up slightly.

"I'm glad you didn't go," Charlotte murmured, holding him."And I am very grateful to you for taking this trip with me despite this time of year and your seasickness."

He must have known that he would not be well, but he made this trip with her anyway and Charlotte loved him all the more for it.

When they reached Spain, Charlotte had held onto Sidney's arm in awe as they disembarked.They had sold their loaded wool to reload the ship for Italy.

They stayed in the country for over a week, enjoyed the warm weather and explored the area around the harbor.

Sidney was doing better on the trip from Spain to Italy, so they spent a lot of time on deck to identify the stars in the sky, read aloud to each other or just talked to each other. Charlotte was intrigued by his stories from his previous travels, soaking up every word while sitting on his lap most of the time, leaning against his chest.

In Italy they bought wine and olives, they went for long walks through beautiful vineyards, where Sidney was overwhelmed by his longing for her and loved her hidden between the vines on the ground.

Charlotte was always by his side, listened to him carefully when negotiating with business partners, and checked the _Violet's_ freight lists with him.

One night when they were lying together in their cabin - in the hammock that Sidney had hung up - she told him how nice it was to get to know this side of him. She had been a little surprised that he had willingly taken her with him on all business appointments and discussed all the details of his current trade with her.

They both felt that it should be exactly like that, that they should share all aspects of their lives with each other and while Sidney pulled her half-naked body onto his lap to bury himself in her warm inside, he whispered in her ear that it was exactly the way he had always wanted to live with a wife.

It still hurt him a little that he could show her so little of the world, and only because he linked it to a business, but she sincerely assured him that this trip was more than she'd ever dreamed of.

He was rubbing his eyes wearily now. A while ago he had taken off his vest, shoes and stockings, his shirt was rolled up to his elbows and opened at the top. He was hot, Tom's bookkeeping was a disaster and he still hadn't found all the bills.

"Can't I help you with anything, honey?"

Sidney looked up to see Charlotte leaning against the door frame and watching him.She had a deep wrinkle between her eyebrows and he wondered how long she had been there.

"You don't have to ...," he started, but he stopped when she took two quick steps into the room.

"But I want to," she said firmly, but nervously kneaded her hands.“I could sort the mail, keep lists and file everything you need to make your work easier.You have so many things to do while I'm sitting and reading in the library. I would like to help you." 

Sidney was surprised.Of course, she had previously helped in Tom's office, but now she had an entire household and a small garden to take care of. But he liked the thought of sitting here in his study with her, and he was already thinking about what work she could do.

"We could set up a second desk in front of the window so that you have enough space and we could share this room."

The relieved sigh that escaped her told him that she had been nervous about how he could respond to her suggestion.So he smiled and reached out for her.

"I would love to share my work with you, Charlotte." She smiled brightly as she approached him to take his hand."But not today.Now I just want to feel your warmth."

As if to confirm his words, he pulled her towards him, pushed her between himself and his desk, gripped her hips with his big hands, and leaned forward to press his head against her stomach.

Shivering, Charlotte shoved her fingers into his dark locks. They had stood here in a similar way before, when she hadn't known what the feelings inside meant when he pressed his head against her.Now it was different, the desk against which he pressed her body, stabilized her, she held his head and gently pulled her nails over his scalp.He hummed softly, she knew he loved it when she did that.

It was another of the many things she had learned about him since they were married.The closeness and intimacy between them was indescribable, her life with her husband was just beautiful.

She closed her eyes, concentrating on his hot breath that came through the fabric of her dress and on his hands on her hips.

She wanted him - wanted him as close as possible and knew he wanted the same.

Taking a deep breath, Sidney moved his nose over her dress, he loved her smell.It calmed him down, but it could also make him rock hard in seconds.

Just like now.

Slowly, his hands moved over her tiny body, he effortlessly found the buttons on her dress and began to loosen them.He knew her clothes very well now, he knew the quickest way to undress her and within a few moments he pushed the sleeves of her dress over her arms.He opened her stays just as quickly, took off the tight, stiff corset and heard her breathe a sigh of relief.His nose was still wandering over her, digging into the thin fabric of her shirt, but higher up now, right in the valley between her perfect breasts.

When her impatient fingers pulled at his shirt, he looked up.

Charlotte's breath caught, his dark eyes shone with desire, boring into hers, and she leaned down to kiss him deeply.

They both groaned when their lips met, Sidney sat up in the chair and was almost as tall as she was standing.He sucked on her lower lip, calmed the area with his hot tongue, and then dipped into her mouth.Charlotte eagerly met him with her tongue, challenged him and whimpered softly.

His hands clasped her breasts, but he wanted to feel her soft skin, so he undid the loop and also pressed the linen shirt over her arms so that she was standing bare-chested in front of him.

Almost unwilling, he broke the kiss, but he had to look at her. Sidney knew he would never get enough of the sight of his wife.

Her beautiful, heavy breasts with the shiny tips were right in front of him, while he kept one completely covered, he raised the other with his hand to his mouth to blow hot over her hard nipple.

She shivered and whispered his name, but she groaned loudly as he wrapped his soft lips around her sensitive nipple.

While he first sucked gently - then harder - Charlotte pulled on the soft curls on the back of his neck.She could hardly stand upright, his mouth made her burn from the inside every time.

To reassure her, Sidney gently licked her wet nipple, kissed the pearl with his mouth open, and wandered to the other side to do the same there.

At the same time he pushed her dress and shirt over her hips with one hand, she squirmed so that the heavy fabric fell to the floor.

His breeches hurt, they were too tight.God, how much he loved the sight of his naked wife.

Charlotte gasped, now she was completely exposed to him, but she enjoyed that feeling.She knew he loved looking at her, it seemed like he was memorizing her body and it made her feel incredibly sensual and desirable.

And that's exactly what she was for him.

Slowly, he ran one of his big hands over her breasts, her ribs to her stomach, followed with his eyes, and then got caught on the dark curls between her legs.

Now that she was naked he could smell her, her arousal, her desire for him.

He gently dug his fingertips into the soft hair, her whimper made his cock twitch in his pants and with a single movement he swept all the papers off his desk.Charlotte gasped in surprise, but her breath caught as his hands gripped her hips and he placed her on the desk in front of him.

He looked up, her eyes were big but full of trust and she didn't resist as his hands gently spread her legs to push his torso in between.

Sidney's fingertips slid very gently over her inner thighs, watching her eyes close when he touched her and her mouth opened slightly.

Charlotte desperately tried to hold on somewhere, clutching her fingers around the edge of his desk until his hand rested on her chest and gently pushed her back.She lay back, her shoulders hit his desk as Sidney, with a loud noise, pushed his chair back and sank to his knees in front of her. 

Her smell grew stronger, he gently put his hands on her knees, spread them even further, and lowered his head.

Charlotte trembled when his lips hit her inner thigh, quite high up and she sighed. His lips were open, slid wet over her soft skin until he reached the crease of her leg and kissed her there. Her hips rose with desire, she wanted to feel him where she was burning for him, but he pulled back and put his mouth on her other leg.Now it was his tongue sliding over her twitching skin, with his hands he pulled her closer to the edge, and then she finally felt his nose in her curls.

He started kissing her gently, everywhere, just not there, as she wanted him, with one hand he gently stroked her thigh, the other was warm and with his fingers spread out on her stomach.

"Please Sidney ...," whined Charlotte breathlessly, he teased her and she knew that he liked it when she asked him to touch her.

He hummed, blew her hot folds, and smiled as her hips rose to find him.She was beautiful, slowly he came closer and put his lips directly on her red, hard pearl.

Charlotte groaned - he had touched her there with his mouth a few times before, but only briefly because they were too impatient.Now he was moving slowly, far too slowly, but the feeling was indescribable.

Sidney gently pulled her pearl into his mouth and pressed his tongue against it, but then raised his head again. She was wet and glittering, with his thumb he dipped into her wetness and spread the moisture on her folds. Her sweet taste was on his tongue and lips, he couldn't hold back any longer.

Her hips rose again, Charlotte whimpered and finally he licked his tongue through her slit. Again and again, before he circled around her pearl, licked and sucked on her folds and played at her entrance.

Her seductive moan drove him on. As he stuck his tongue into her opening, she called out his name aloud, and grabbed his head with one hand.

Charlotte forgot everything and felt only her husband.What he did to her made her body burn, the hot ball inside grew larger and threatened to overwhelm her.

"Sidney." Charlotte screamed as his mouth moved back to her aching pearl, sucking it hard into his mouth while two of his long fingers entered her. He curled them against her walls, gently thrust them into her until Charlotte's entire body began to tremble and reached her climax.

Her uncontrolled moans was his reward, after a last kiss on her folds he put his head on her stomach, wrapped his arms around her and waited for her to slowly calm down.Her fingers were buried in his hair, his own body ached with desire - still on his knees, but he simply ignored it and held her tight.

Only when she pulled his curls did he get up, help her sit up, and look into her eyes.

"I love you, Charlotte."

"Like I love you," she whispered, before devouring his mouth hungrily, pressing against him and pulling him closer with her legs.

They sank in a passionate kiss for long moments, sipping each other and stroking their tongues until they were completely breathless.Impatiently Charlotte pulled at his shirt again, wanting to feel his bare skin against hers and brushed it over his head.Her fingers hungrily ran across his broad, muscular back to the waistband of his pants.

She felt his hard length, pressed against her, rocked against him, but before she could reach for the buttons on his pants, he put his hands on her butt and lifted her up. Slowly and carefully he carried her up the stairs to their bedroom, gently laid her on the bed and took off his pants.

They looked at each other as he climbed over her, Charlotte received him with her legs apart and when he entered her, buried his entire length in her damp warmth, they both sighed in relief.

He loved her slowly, with long and deep strokes, his lips never left her mouth, while his fingers clasped hers over her head.

As usual, they slept closely, with tangled arms and legs, without falling apart in their sleep. 

—- ~ — 

They spent the entire following day in Sidney's study, laughing, picking up the papers scattered on the floor, sorting them, and Sidney took the time to explain the full range of his business to her.

She listened enthusiastically, asked meaningful questions and he had to kiss her more than once because he found her so adorable.

"I didn't know that you invest in so many different areas.It's pretty exciting.“

Her voice was full of admiration as she looked over her notes.

“It used to be a lot more, I sold a lot of contacts.But I made some new contacts over the summer and we can build it all up again.”

"We?" Charlotte raised an eyebrow with a shy smile.Sidney leaned over to kiss her gently and whispered softly on her lips.

"Yes, both of us. Together."

The next day, he had his former desk from Trafalger House brought to his home, placed it at right angles in his study, to spend the days there with his wife.Charlotte got excited and looked forward to working with Sidney there.

They received many surprised looks, especially from Tom and Lady Denham, but successfully ignored them.


	23. Stormy weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found the end to be longer than expected, so I split it in two.  
> I hope you enjoy it ...

Charlotte felt terribly uncomfortable.

She had already woken up this morning and felt bad, which only worsened over the course of the morning.

Sidney had traveled to London three days ago to oversee the unloading and sale of _Violet's_ cargo again.Charlotte actually wanted to accompany him as usual, in their six months of marriage they had never spent a single night apart.Wherever Sidney had to go to do business for Sanditon or themself, Charlotte was by his side.

But this time Mary had gotten sick and Charlotte had offered to take care of the children. When Sidney had said goodbye, she had cried, he had clung to her and buried his face in her hair to hide his own shimmering eyes.

"I'll be back as soon as possible, five days at the most, I promise," he had said before stepping into the carriage and Charlotte had stood in the open door for a long time.

To distract herself, she now got dressed and went to visit Mary.Mary had recovered very quickly, so that she mostly took care of the children herself, but of course was still grateful for Charlotte's help.

As soon as she arrived at Trafalger House, Jenny and Alicia greeted her, but they were on their way to the classroom.Mary immediately noticed that something was wrong and gripped her arm in concern.

"Is something wrong, Charlotte?I hope I didn't infect you."

Shaking her head, Charlotte sat on an armchair and sighed.

"I don't know, Mary, I just feel uncomfortable. I pray Sidney will be back soon, I have never slept as badly as now that he's gone." 

Mary smiled, the closeness that existed between the two was really amazing.It was often the case that they argued heatedly, they were both hot tempered, but they rarely quarreled. No matter where they were, they touched a lot, kissed often, even in company, and earned a lot of raised eyebrows for it, but neither cared.

"You look a little pale, my dear.Have you ever had breakfast?"

Charlotte grimaced."I can't eat anything, just the thought of it makes me sick."

She didn't notice the knowing look on Mary's face, but then her sister-in-law bent over and grabbed her hands.

"Dear Charlotte, I know exactly how you feel.I felt the same way four times, but it will wear off soon."

Charlotte looked at her for a moment, confused, until she understood what Mary was saying.

"Do you really think ...?"

Was it possible that she was pregnant?

Of course it was possible and now that she was thinking about it it was only logical.The changes in her body had grown stronger in the past few days and Charlotte carefully placed her hand on her stomach.

"I'm sure Charlotte. I can see the signs very clearly.” Mary saw the joy in Charlotte's face and hugged her tightly.

"Do you think ..., do you think Sidney will be happy?" They had enjoyed their lives as a couple, how would it be with a child?

"He'll be overwhelmed with happiness, Charlotte."

Charlotte knew that this sentence was absolutely true and now she couldn't expect him to return much less than before. 

—- ~ —- 

Her heart started racing when she heard the front door.

It was late in the evening, four days after Sidney left, and she had somehow known that he would be home today.He always came a day earlier than promised.She had bathed and was sitting on the windowsill in a nightgown when she heard his footsteps outside their bedroom door. 

He didn't say a word when he opened the door and entered the room. His searching eyes found her immediately, he took long steps to her, lifted her from the windowsill into his arms and hugged her with a relieved sigh.

Feeling his warm, strong body against hers, Charlotte trembled with happiness, wrapping her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck and hiding her face on his throat. Taking a deep breath, she picked up his smell, dug her fingers into his hair, and whispered his name softly.

"Sidney."

With one hand on her butt and the other between her shoulder blades, Sidney went to the bed, sat with her on his lap on the mattress and pulled back a little to be able to kiss her.

It was a tender and sensual kiss that showed how much they had missed each other. 

"I will never travel without you again, Charlotte.I hardly slept and I felt terribly lonely.” Sidney whispered the words on her lips, he hummed as she sucked his lower lip into her mouth and searched her tongue with his own.

"I missed you, Sweatheart," Charlotte said softly in a choked voice, looking at him. "But I don't know if I can go with you anytime soon."

Sidney’s eyebrows rose. "How so?What is wrong?"

Immediately he started to search her with his eyes, looking for signs that she was sick or something else was wrong and when Charlotte stayed silent and just watched him, he looked up at her questioningly.

Before he left he had noticed that her breasts had become more sensitive - even the touch of the tip of his tongue had been enough to make her tremble, but he had said nothing.Now he wondered if his suspicions might be true, and the nervous expression on her face confirmed that.

"You mean ..., can it be that you ...?" The words got stuck in his throat when he looked into Charlotte's tear-wet eyes.

Charlotte saw hope in his eyes, felt angry with herself for being so nervous and doubtful of his reaction, and nodded with a small smile.

"Yes, I carry your child."

Sidney couldn't stop his own tears.He had known since the afternoon on the river that he had spent with her and his nieces and his nephew that he wanted to have children himself. Children of Charlotte and him.

That this dream was now coming true suddenly made his bones soft.

"You ... you make me a father?" He breathed hoarsely, and when Charlotte nodded again, he closed his eyes for a moment. 

The next moment he moved, quickly pulling Charlotte's nightgown over her head and laying her on her back on the bed. He hovered over her, his head level with her stomach and his lips gently on her skin, just above her navel.

"Hello in there. I promise I'll take care of you,” he whispered softly, putting gentle kisses all over her body and made love with her - gentle and tender.

Again and again he stopped motionless in her warm inside, for fear of hurting her or the child, his thrusts were careful until Charlotte turned him on his back, straddled him and rode him slowly.

In the following weeks he kept his word, took care of her and his child and hardly let Charlotte out of his eyes. 

—- ~ —- 

"Come on, Charlotte. Just a short walk, please."

Georgiana held out her bonnet, but Charlotte hesitated.She had come to Trafalger House with Sidney since Mary had invited them over for tea, but Tom had begged Sidney until they went to the pier where Tom wanted to show his latest idea.

"I don't know, Georgiana, it looks really stormy outside."

It was mid-September now, Charlotte's stomach was already visibly swollen, and she knew Sidney wouldn't like it if she walked in this weather without him.

Not that she wasn't able to, but Sidney was a little protective.

"As Tom says, there are no gales in Sanditon," said Georgiana, looking at her questioningly. "Did Sidney forbid you to go anywhere without his companion?"

"Of course not, don't be ridiculous, Georgiana." It was true, he didn't, and Charlotte didn't want her friend to think she couldn't make her own decisions.

"All right, let's go.But only up to the cliffs, it really looks like it will rain soon.” 

It wasn't about getting wet, but she was no longer just responsible for herself, but for her child too.But still a little fresh air sounded good, so she resolutely took her bonnet and left the house with Georgiana.

The wind was stronger than it looked from inside, they both had to hold onto their bonnets, but Georgiana dragged her relentlessly down the street.After a while, when the houses stayed behind, she looked at Charlotte ashamedly.

"How did you know you were in love with him?"

Charlotte was a little confused by the question, but answered anyway.

"He made me angry like no one else, and yet I always wanted to be around him." A slight smile crossed her face, then she shrugged. "I think I just knew it."

When Georgiana didn't answer but kept walking, Charlotte cleared her throat.

"Is it about the new pharmacist?"

Georgiana looked up in surprise and blushed.The pharmacist's name was Malcom Finnigen and he looked very handsome. He was about the same age as Sidney, maybe a little younger, and seemed completely fascinated by her.Every time she went past his pharmacy - lately out of sheer intent - he came outside to speak to her.

The man knew nothing about her at all, just what she had told him and it was a nice feeling to be considered a person without a large fortune.

She liked him, even if she didn't really want to admit it.

"I don't know ... do you think ... do you think Sidney would agree to Mr. Finnigen's courtship?"

Charlotte stopped when it thundered loudly and a violent gale tore at her coat.

"We should really turn back," she said, noticing Georgiana's angry look.She sighed and held her coat protectively over her round belly.

"Yes, if you speak to Sidney and Mr. Finnigen comes to him, I'm sure he'll agree.We could have had this conversation inside a house with a warm cup of tea without going for a walk in a autumn storm and I really want to go back now.”

With every word her voice had grown louder, the first raindrops started to fall and she hoped Sindey hadn't returned with Tom yet.

As quickly as she could, she walked back towards Trafalger House, but found that Georgiana had dragged her along the cliff path much further than she ever wanted to go.

In her defense, Georgiana helped her walk, it was getting dark now, the thunderstorm seemed to be right above them and the path was slippery. 

"What do you mean, the two went for a walk?"

Mary was not intimidated by Sidney's angry voice, but she looked out of the window worried.

"I checked on the kids and Georgiana just left a note that they would take a few steps.I'm sure they'll be right back.”

Tom and Sidney had come back with the first drops of rain, but the two young women weren't here yet.

Another thunder sounded and Sidney's blood went cold.

What was she thinking of going outside in this weather? The mere thought that something might happen to her or their child made all rational thoughts disappear from his mind.What was left was overwhelming anger or debilitating worry, and Sidney chose anger. 

With a petrified face and without a word, he turned.With quick steps he went through the hall to find his wife when she stumbled through the front door, wet and shivering.

"Sidney ...," she said quietly, saw the look on his face and sighed.She was about to reassure him, assure him that she was fine, but he didn't let her speak.

"Have you lost your mind?" He hissed as his eyes glowed."How can you be so careless and go outside in this weather?Didn't you think about what could happen to you or the child? I didn't think you were that irresponsible ... ".

"Don't you dare call me irresponsible." Charlotte knew Sidney was at least partially right, but she still couldn't help her temper boiling over.She had not been irresponsible, and she would not be insulted as such.

"I am very well able to make my own decisions," she shouted as Sidney took a step closer.

"Apparently not, otherwise you'd better think about it than get caught in a storm in your condition."

He was right, and that annoyed Charlotte the most.But he had no right to reprimand her, especially since it wasn't her idea.When she spoke again, in a mixture of frustration and anger, she didn't think about the meaning of her words.But she regretted them as soon as they left her lips.

"You have no right to insult me.I can do what I want - I don't need you to take care of me."

Sidney backed away as if she'd hit him and his face went blank.

"You ...," his voice trembled with anger."You do not need me?"

"Sidney, I ...".Charlotte could see that she had hurt him and wanted to reach for him, but he turned away.

"Mary, could I ask for a warm bath for my wife?She trembles and is obviously cold,” his voice sounded tense, his whole body was torn to tear."I'll walk home and get dry clothes for her."

Mary nodded, Sidney walked past Charlotte without looking at her and went outside in the pouring rain.

Charlotte stood silent, confused by what had just happened.It was their first real argument and she was angry that he just left her here like a child. 

Only when she undressed with Mary's help did she notice how icy cold her skin was, her swollen belly was red from the cold rain, and the realization that this walk might have harmed her baby made her boneless.

Her anger vanished, was replaced by shame and sobbing softly, she sank into the warm water.

"Sidney is only worried about you and your child. He was half rigid with fear when I had to tell him that you went outside."

She nodded absently, barely noticing Mary leaving the room, and hiding her face in her hands.

What had she done? Now she understood that Sidney's anger was only his way of dealing with his debilitating fear. The fear that she had caused him and she was ashamed of her words.

A short time later, Sidney came back completely soaked, a package from his coat under his arm, but he stopped in the hall of Trafalger House..

"She's in your old room, Sidney.I think you should go upstairs."

Mary watched him stare at the stairs for a long moment before taking a deep breath and taking two steps at a time.Upstairs he was stopped by Georgiana, who was running after him.

"Sindey, wait," she called, reaching for his arm."It wasn't her fault.I practically forced her to take this walk, she didn't want to go at all.”

His tense posture did not change, he swallowed hard and visibly tried to calm down.

"Don't worry, Georgiana.No one has ever persuaded Charlotte to do something she didn't really want to do.I hope you warmed up?"

Georgiana nodded, feeling guilty, but understood that she shouldn't get involved. 

Sidney quietly opened the door to his former room and found Charlotte naked in the warm water.He didn't look at her again, put his package on the bed and rolled it apart.

Charlotte watched her husband spread what appeared to be dry, warm clothes for her before reaching for a towel so she could dry off.He hesitated before turning to look at her, but didn't give her his hand to help her get up.

His anger hadn't evaporated, the words she had said to him had hurt him and he didn't know how to deal with it.

Inside, the desire to wrap her up and carry her home, where she was safe, was at odds with his anger, which wanted him to run away and get drunk.The most overwhelming feeling, however, was his desire to push her against the next wall and prove to her that she needed him very much, just as he needed her, that she belonged to him, as he belonged to her, and to show her how scared he was about her.

But he didn't do any of it, just looked stubbornly past her when she got out of the tub, let go of the towel as she wrapped herself in it, and then silently helped her get dressed. 

"Please Sidney, at least look at me," whispered Charlotte, but he turned away from her to pull his wet coat over his wet shirt."I'm sorry for what I said, you just made me angry."

Sidney nodded, his voice barely audible when he answered.

"Not here."

He knew he would lose control no matter what feeling inside he gave in and he didn't want to be in his brother's house at that point.

So he opened the door with his jaw clenched and waited for Charlotte to slowly and uncertainly go outside.

She thanked Mary who was waiting in the hallway and saw her sister-in-law reassuringly squeezing her husband's arm.

Their carriage was waiting outside the door, Sidney must have sent a note when he got her clothes and was now helping her get in.

When her hand touched his, it was as if the skin contact triggered something in him and his desire for her won his inner struggle.As soon as the door was closed behind them, he slipped from his seat, knelt in front of his wife on the floor of the carriage, and roughly reached into her hair to pull her head to his and kiss her wildly. 

Charlotte was surprised but relieved that he no longer ignored her and suddenly she felt an urge to be close to him.

She returned his kiss, slid off the bench to sit on his lap, and clung to him. Her dress got wet again because he was soaked, but she didn't care.

With a hoarse groan, Sidney put his hands on her butt, pulled her tight against himself and Charlotte whimpered when she felt his rock hard cock. He seemed huge, she moved on him, causing Sidney to growl.

Just as he was pulling on her skirts, the carriage stopped, indicating that they were home.Frustrated, he helped Charlotte to get up, opened the door of the carriage, and hurriedly followed his wife as she ran quickly to their front door.

It was completely dark now, and even outside the door he tore his coat from his shoulders and opened the buttons on his pants - he had the feeling that if he didn't feel her soothing warmth immediately, he wouldn't be able to breathe.

Charlotte heard his footsteps behind her, but gasped in surprise when his strong arms grabbed her as soon as they entered their home. 

He grabbed her, pushed her back against the front door, and pulled her skirts up.Charlotte groaned as his hot fingers clasped her thighs, he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist.

He entered her with one hard push, Charlotte screamed softly, but she was wet and ready for him.As if it wasn't enough for his hard cock to move demanding inside her, he also grabbed her lips with his and slipped his tongue into her mouth.

All his anger - his overwhelming fear, turned into desire and he took her hard and deep.

Moaning, Charlotte moved against him, pulling on his hair and fighting with his tongue.His deep thrusts drove her to an incredible climax and she screamed his name loudly as he growled hers hoarse. 

No sooner had he poured himself into her than his strength left him.Pure fear returned, he buried his face on her neck and let his tears fall.When his legs threatened to give way under him, he held her with his hands, turned at the door to lean against it, and slid to the floor with her in his lap.

The desperation with which he held her let Charlotte see what he had been through and she kept whispering the same words into his damp curls.

"I love you, Sidney, please forgive me." 

After a long moment, Sidney raised his head to look at her with red and swollen eyes.

"You can't do this to me, Charlotte," he whispered, suffocated.His hand slid between their bodys to gently lay on her swollen belly."I've never been so scared in my life, do you have any idea what would happen to me if I lost you and our child?"

Charlotte gently gripped his cheeks and kissed the tears from his eyes. "You won't lose us, I'm so sorry.I was careful and immediately turned around when it started to thunder.I didn't want to scare you, you have to believe me."

Now she only whispered with her lips on his, she kissed him tenderly and gently, apologized in this way and felt how he melted completely in her arms. 

When they parted breathlessly, Sidney leaned his forehead against hers.

"Forgive me, Charlotte," he murmured, his fingers in her hair."I didn't mean to scold you, I ... I'm really bad at dealing with my fears."

"I will give you no more reason, I promise." Charlotte was serious, she had never intended to worry him and that afternoon had shown her again how much she meant to him.

With a soft hum, Sidney got up, lifted her weight and carried her carefully up the stairs into their bedroom.

They were both exhausted, emotionally and physically, and this time it was Charlotte who undressed him, lead him to the bed, and pressed him onto the mattress.Only then did she take off her clothes, removed the blanket from Sidney's body, and start kissing every inch of his skin and stroking him with her lips.

As she circled the tip of his hard cock with her tongue, she heard him gasp her name in a way that almost instantly undid her, but when she straddeld him and took him in her damp warmth, all she saw in his eyes was unconditional love. 

—- ~ —- 

After that day, they felt almost closer to each other than before, if that was possible.

The joy Sidney felt when he documented her growing belly with knots in a string made Charlotte laugh, and he told her that it was something his mother had done every time she got pregnant.

During this time Sidney told her a lot about his mother, funny and sad stories, they talked about their childhood and what they wanted for their own children.

"Have you thought of a name yet?" Asked Charlotte one afternoon as they sat together in an armchair by the fireplace.

Sidney nodded with his head on her shoulder, kissed the soft skin under her ear and then answered her quietly.

"If it becomes a girl, I would like to call her after my mother - Annabell."

Charlotte turned her head, met his eyes and smiled fondly.She leaned forward and kissed him gently.

"I would like that," she murmured, finding the thought really nice."What if it becomes a boy?Do you want to name him after your father?"

Sidney’s brow furrowed and he shook his head.

"No," was his only answer and Charlotte was not surprised.Sidney had told her that the relationship between his father and him had always been difficult, even if he loved him very much.Again she kissed him, snuggled closer to him, which was not easy with her now really big belly.

"Then I would name him after your grandfather.I think the name is very nice and you said that he was a very good person.”

Taking a deep breath, his arms tightened around her body, his head buried back on her neck, and Charlotte heard him whisper softly that he loved her.

The next morning Charlotte woke up and heard her husband's deep voice.

He had slid down on the bed, leaning his elbows against the mattresses and resting his chin lightly on her waist.

He sang a lullaby softly as his hand gently stroked her swollen belly and followed the movement of an arm or foot under her abdominal wall.

She immediately felt tears in her eyes, tears of pure happiness. 

Sidney Parker, the formerly brooding, repellent and cold Sidney Parker sang softly - in a dark, sleepy and beautiful voice - a song for his unborn child while his naked body was illuminated by the rising sun.

The love she felt for him was absolutely overwhelming and without moving she closed her eyes to enjoy that perfect moment.


	24. The gift of our love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... the last one.  
> I'm a little sad ;))

"I really think you should come downstairs," said Tom not for the first time.

He was standing on the landing in Sidney's house and looked more than uncomfortable."Every time Mary had to go through this, I got drunk senselessly and didn't wake up until it was all over. You should come down with me and we can get drunk together."

He looked expectantly at Sidney and winced as another agonizing groan came from the room where Mary had disappeared earlier.

"I won't go away from here," growled Sidney, his hands clenched into fists."And I definitely don't want to drink anything either." He was sitting on the floor in front of his bedroom, his back against the door and his face was snow white.

At dawn, Charlotte's groans had woken him.Her face contorted with pain, she pressed against him and asked if he would help her get dressed.They still slept naked every night, wanting to feel each other and when Sidney put his hands on her swollen belly, as he had done countless times in the past few months, he felt the baby's movement and contractions of her labor pains.

Gently and lovingly, he had dressed her in a simple, white nightgown, had helped her sit upright and comfortably on the pillows, and had only run downstairs in his shirt and pants to send a message to the midwife and Mary.

When he heard Charlotte moan softly, he had run back upstairs to kneel down by the bed and gently massage her belly.It had calmed her, her breathing had slowed down, but then several women had rushed into their bedroom at the same time, and the midwife had finally kicked him out after a short but heated discussion.

"Men have not lost anything at birth, we do not need you in this room and even if you are known for not dealing with decency, you will leave this room immediately for the benefit of your wife."

Charlotte, who was lying there with her eyes closed and trying to breathe calmly, did not seem to notice the argument and when Mary gently but firmly pushed her brother-in-law to the door, he left the room reluctantly.But only across the threshold, not a step further.

At first he had put his hands and forehead against the cool wood, but after Charlotte started screaming in pain, he slid to the floor.

He was sitting there now, listening distractedly as his brother snorted. 

"I knew you were stubborn, but now you are ridiculous. You didn't even dress properly, I think you should just leave the women alone."

"She is my wife, Tom, she is giving birth to our child and I will not go further from her than I have to.If I were allowed to, I would sit next to her and hold her hand, but ... "

"Oh Sidney, please, she doesn't need you now, so you should calm down and have a drink."

Sidney glared at his older brother and said nothing.After a long moment, Tom turned and went downstairs.

Sidney knew he didn't mean it badly, but he couldn't move away from that door. 

He had to be here.

He listened carefully to the noise from the room and heard Charlotte's weak voice.

"Mary, it hurts so much.Where's Sidney?Why isn't he here anymore?” Charlotte sounded exhausted and Mary frowned in concern.It was late morning now, but the child hadn't moved very far.

"You have to focus on yourself and your child now, Charlotte.When James was born, it took Tom two days to sleep off his intoxication, so ... ".

Another birth contraction from Charlotte interrupted Mary and she put her hand comfortingly on the expectant mother's shoulder.

But as soon as the pain was over, Charlotte shook her head wildly."Sidney wouldn't do that, I know he wouldn't leave me alone now."

The midwife, an elderly woman named Ruth, smiled good-naturedly."He didn't want to go either, Mrs. Parker, but it's really not appropriate to have a man with you at birth." She was a nice woman, had helped many women give birth to their children, but had never had to expel a husband from the room.

But it just wouldn't be right ... would it?

"I don't care what's right," Charlotte hissed and writhed again, the contractions coming faster and faster, and her body ached.

Just as she was about to shout his name, the door opened.

Sidney had listened to the women's conversation and when he was certain that Charlotte wanted him there as much as he wanted to be there, he got up.

Before one of the women could say anything, he took quick steps to the bed and dropped to his knees next to his wife.

"I am here, Charlotte," he whispered, suffocated.He could see that she was exhausted and in pain, but as soon as she saw him, she smiled in tears.She reached for his face, pulled him closer and pressed her forehead against his cheek.

"Sidney ...," she whispered crying as his hands lay on her body.

He cautiously put a hand on her swollen belly, felt how hard it was, and slid his other arm behind her to support her.

"Tell me what I can do. Please let me help you."

Relieved to hear only his dark, soothing voice, Charlotte closed her eyes and leaned more against his strong, warm body.

"Can you massage my belly like before? Your hands are so warm, it calmed me and the baby so much this morning." 

Ignoring the looks of Mary or the midwife, Sidney slipped his hand under the covers, pulled Charlotte's nightgown up, and put his big hand on her bare skin.He began to stroke her gently, pressed lightly with his fingers and massaged the particularly hard areas.When her stomach contracted with another birth contraction, he pressed lightly against his child from the outside to help him get outside.

Charlotte buried her face against his chest, she listened to his heartbeat and tried to breathe in the same rhythm.Now that Sidney was here she felt a lot safer, he held her and calmed her down with his voice, his smell and his warmth. 

"I've heard the two of them don't care about decency, but I didn't expect that." The midwife watched with fascination as Sidney helped Charlotte and shook her head with a smile.She made no further attempt to send Mr. Parker out of the room, and Mary watched her brother-in-law with tears in her eyes.

He was a good man, she thought, really a good man. She could never have imagined Tom in such a situation and almost laughed at the thought.She loved her husband, but what Sidney and Charlotte shared was beyond simple love.

Many long and exhausting hours later, only Sidney's voice prevented Charlotte from indulging in exhaustion.He had held her the whole time, his knees ached, as did his back, but it didn't matter.He tirelessly stroked and massaged her belly, with the other hand he brushed back her damp curls and held her head to his chest.

"Dear. Can you hear me, Charlotte? You soon made it."

The midwife had said that it would not be long, but that Charlotte was now facing the hardest part. The press contractions.

"You have to help me, Sindey.I can't do it alone ... ," Her voice was barely audible, she had fisted her hand in his shirt and closed her eyes.Sidney laughed lightly, she was really exhausted.

"I'm here, my love. You press and I push against your belly from above, all right?"

Sidney gently raised her head a little so he could look into her eyes. She looked at him in confidence and he couldn't help but kiss her lips gently.

"Thank you for being here." The pain was overwhelming and Charlotte had never been so tired. But Sidney gave her strength, his gaze fixed on her and holding her eyes as a final contraction broke over her.

"I'll never be anywhere else than with you, Charlotte."

They looked at each other until Charlotte buried her head on his neck and screamed.

The midwife's hand went over Sidneys to push harder and after a terrible moment Charlotte's cry mingled with with that of their baby. 

Completely exhausted, Charlotte went limp in Sidney's arms after giving birth to a beautiful boy.Without letting go of her, Sidney watched the midwife examine the screaming pink bundle, wrap him in white sheets, and take him back to his mother.

Since Charlotte was too weak to hold him alone, Sidney put his arm around hers to hug both of them.

"I love you Charlotte, I love you both so much," he whispered again and again in a tearful voice.It was a miracle to hold his wife and son in his arms, and the emotions overwhelmed him.

Without worrying about anything, he put an arm under Charlotte's knees, got up, and sat on the bed.He gently lifted Charlotte into his lap, leaned against the headboard, and let her tired body rest against his.

Charlotte held her son, the feeling of pure happiness flowed through her and when she heard the little one start smacking, she helped him find her breast.

As he drank, she looked up to see her husband crying with pride and happiness.

"I love you Sidney."

He kissed her head gently, held her close and felt her slowly fall asleep.

Mary had gone downstairs to inform Tom and to send the message to Arthur, Diana and Georgiana as well.She would also write a letter to Charlotte's parents to report the birth of their grandchild.

"She needs to be bathed, Mr. Parker, maybe you should rest a little while we prepare your wife?" Ruth had stood next to the bed, she spoke softly, because she could see that he too was very exhausted.

But Sidney shook his head.

“Can you ask for warm water in the kitchen, please?I will bathe and dress my wife myself, but I sincerely thank you for your help.”

Ruth nodded slightly ashamed, but said nothing. This birth was the strangest she had ever attended.She packed her things and went to the door, but Sidney's voice stopped her.

"Can you tell me what things to take care of with our child? Can I bathe him too?"

Shaking her head in amusement, Ruth pointed to a few things on the table by the window.

"Mr. Parker, I have to say, you really surprise me. Expectant fathers are usually drunk and do not ask to know how to take care of a newborn.”

She laughed but told him what he had to do and Sidney listened attentively. 

A short time later, a large tub of warm water was prepared in their bedroom, and when Sidney was finally alone with Charlotte and his son, he breathed a sigh of relief. He gently dropped Charlotte on the mattress, pulled his body out from under her and covered her with a blanket. Then he carefully took the sleeping boy out of her arms and looked at him reverent.

"Hello little Nathaniel, welcome to this world. I am your father and you can be sure that I will always be there for you and will love you unconditionally,” he whispered hoarsely.He felt an overwhelming feeling of pride, love and responsibility.When the little boy's eyes opened, Sidney started to cry again.

He was a father now, and he loved Charlotte all the more that she had made him so.

He gently and carefully bathed his son, paying attention to everything the midwife had told him, and then wrapped little Nathaniel in a soft, warm cloth. He carefully put him in the cradle next to their bed before turning to Charlotte.

She didn't sleep, but watched him with shining eyes.

"You will be an incredible father, Sidney," she whispered with love and brushed away his tears as he leaned over her.

"Like you an incredible mother," he replied with a smile, helped her to sit up and undressed her.Then he lifted her up and carried her to the tub to bathe her gently and carefully. 

After he dressed her again, Anni, their maid, came in and cleaned the bed. Sidney thanked her, carried Charlotte back into the fresh sheets, lifted Nathaniel out of the cradle to put him in her arms, and then sat behind her back.

In this position they were found by Mary half an hour later, all three asleep, wrapped up and happy. 

—- ~ —- 

A month after the birth, Charlotte woke up in the middle of the night and was alone in bed.

She knew she had fallen asleep in Sidney's arms, little Nathaniel on his broad chest, but now they were both gone.

She got up quickly, looked around and was about to leave the room when she saw the figure in the armchair by the window.

Sidney sat bare-chested and in pants in the comfortable armchair, holding his son, who had his head on his chest. They were both sleeping, illuminated by the moon, the picture was beautiful and Charlotte knew she would never forget it. 

Again she thanked heaven that this man was hers.He was so pleased to take care of Nathaniel and her that Charlotte's heart overflowed with love every time.

Now she leaned over him, gently took her sleeping son out of his arms and kissed his little head. She cuddled him tenderly, put him in the cradle and carefully covered him. The little boy slept a lot, he was a lovely child and Charlotte knew that he would be satisfied for a few more hours. 

Slowly she went back to the chair Sidney was sleeping on and looked at him. His bare skin made her inside tingle, slowly she raised a hand and let her fingertips slide over his abs.

He had stopped making love with her a few weeks before Nathaniel was born.He had said he didn't want to hurt her and the child, and Charlotte had agreed.Still, he'd kept her naked in his arms every night, just like he did now, except Charlotte was always wearing a nightgown.

She longed for his body, for his closeness and touch, but she was also a little unsure.

The more her fingers touched him, the more she wanted him, tenderly she put her lips on his and kissed him gently.

Sidney woke up when Charlotte kissed him.He enjoyed her touch, felt her hand on his stomach and sighed.He tenderly returned her kiss, raised his hand to slide his fingers into her curls, and groaned softly as she pulled his lower lip into her mouth.

His hands slid over her body to her hips, he gently pulled on her and his heart skipped a beat as she straddled his lap.

Charlotte groaned, she could already feel him hard and her inside started to burn.She forgot her insecurity when Sidney deepened their kiss, his tongue slid between her lips and played passionately with hers as he straightened up slightly to pull her closer.He was insanely hard, his desire for her almost overwhelmed him, but he controlled himself.

He gently reached for the hem of her nightgown and slowly pulled it over her head.

Charlotte didn't refuse, nor did she cover herself when she was sitting naked on top of him, but her cheeks turned deep red and she looked uncertainly in his eyes.

"I'm afraid I don't look like I did before I was pregnant," she murmured ashamed, although she knew he knew what she looked like.

He was still helping her bathe, undressed her every night, and watched her as she breastfeed Nathaniel. 

But now it was different, his eyes went over her in admiration. 

Her breasts were larger and heavier, her nipples were slightly cracked and darker from breastfeeding.Her belly and hips were fuller, otherwise her body hadn't changed and Sindey wrapped her face to look straight into her eyes.

"You will always be beautiful for me, Charlotte.You are beautiful, you are sensual and you are incredibly seductive and I love you."

His face had come closer to her as he spoke until he whispered the last words on her lips.They kissed passionately, Charlotte's fingers buried in his curls as Sidney’s hands started to wander down her neck.

He gently wrapped her heavy breasts, heard her whimper and groaned himself as she moved against his hard cock.

"I want you, Charlotte," he gasped hoarsely, putting a hand on her butt and sliding his fingers from behind to her folds.

"Oh ... Sidney ....".Charlotte groaned loudly, his fingers slid into her slit and she was already completely lost.

"Are you sure you are ready?I don't want to hurt you, my love."

Contrary to his words, Sindey could not remove his fingers from her warmth.She was wet, two of his fingers entered her effortlessly, and Charlotte's loud groan proved that she was ready.

"Please Sidney," she whimpered, stroking his hot skin and moving on him again."I missed you, I missed you inside of me ...".

Without another word, Sidney got up, Charlotte's legs wrapped around his waist and his lips grabbed hers hungrily.

Tenderly, he lay her in their bed, knelt over her and began to move his mouth, tongue and lips over her beautiful body.

Moaning, Charlotte writhed beneath him, burning wherever he touched her.When he reached her breasts, he kissed her carefully with his mouth open.He gently took her hard nipple between his lips but didn't suck.He just sipped at her, licked wet circles with his tongue and was happy about every whimper and every moan of his wife.

She pulled his curls, held his head there, and indulged in the feeling of his hot tongue.What he did to her was incredibly sensual.

He took his time, slowly sliding deeper, kissed her stomach, sucked on the skin of her hips, and shoved his nose into her fragrant curls.

He longed for her taste, couldn't resist and when Charlotte spread her legs for him without hesitation, his tongue slid into her wet slit.

Gently yet demanding, he sucked her pearl into his mouth, heard Charlotte groan his name loudly, and entered her again with his fingers.

She came undone after only a few moments, trembled uncontrollably and reached her climax with a scream. 

Sidney could hardly think clearly, his pants were too tight on his hard cock and the desire to be inside her was overwhelming.

When she pulled on him, he straightened up, took off his pants and settled between her inviting legs with a relieved sigh.

"You are so seductive, Charlotte. Do you know how crazy you make me?"

She looked at him with wet eyes, wrapped her arms and legs around him and pulled him closer.

"I want to feel you inside of me Sidney, please - let me feel you inside of me."

Her whispered request aroused him even more, he moved so that the tip of his cock could slide into her entrance and moaned when he felt her moisture.

"I love you," Sidney murmured softly on her lips, cautiously entered her and hissed as Charlotte put her hands on his butt to pull him deeper into her damp warmth.

"I love you, Sidney," she replied breathlessly, bending her hips against his when he was completely inside of her and enjoying the feeling of his thick, already pulsating cock inside her. 

They stopped motionless for a moment, kissed deeply and passionately before Sidney began to move slowly.

With each of his deep, long thrusts, Charlotte groaned, reached for his hand, intertwined her fingers with his, and felt the hot ball build up inside her.

"Charlotte," Sidney breathed, thrusting harder into her and shoving a hand under her hips to lift her up slightly. 

Together they reached the climax, they fell together, and when Sidney's hot seed shot against Charlotte's walls, they both shouted the other's name.

—- ~ —-

They fell asleep tightly wrapped around each other, Charlotte half on top of Sindey, who held her firmly to his body with both arms as he gently pressed his lips into her hair.

Charlotte's little hand was on his chest, just above his heart and they both knew that they would be happy together as long as they lived.

They belonged together - they were each other's counterparts.

~ The End ~ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a pleasure to write this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it.  
> All of your comments have been very encouraging and I am very grateful to all of you.  
> I've written a few more stories, but they're not finished yet. So maybe we'll see us again ...


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